Australian Survivor Recaps

2x03: The Tribal Shuffle

2010-05-20T08:07:00.000-07:00

In which I try out a new recapping style to compensate for how boring they managed to make a tribal switch episode.

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1. This post was originally posted on my newest blog, but I'm cross-posting here for the sake of completion. And also to see whether putting up a new post will fix the stupid "two-posts-per-page" fuckup with Blogspot.

2. Previously: Amber wanted food so badly that she decided to see if she could whine and whine for as long as it took for the producers to have pity on The Poor Celebrities and give them some. The rest of Mofo shared her sentiments, but not necessarily her methods. Hornebags, for example, decided to try and conjure up some actual melons as opposed to the synthetic ones she's stuffed into her bikini. Imogen was hearing voices in her head, and those voices were telling her to do different things than the voices in her loins were. At Cockula, jaunty island music announced the transition from "rats" to bitches. The least bitchy member of the tribe also happened to be the hottest tribe member, as well as the one most likely to not wind up impersonating a sun-dried tomato at the end of this. The Leech learned that the jungle actually does have items you could use to help you avoid, you know, dying a grisly and entertaining death. Turns out cavemen weren't magic after all. Who knew? Cockula had a lovely bunch of coconuts, but they also had nuts in their minds, and so wound up winning fruit but losing Immunity. Mofo almost wished they weren't suddenly so good at not sucking, because they wanted to vote out Hornebags. Gee, I wonder if the fact that nobody likes Hornebags is going to be relevant this week. At Cockula, the two main contenders for First Off The Sinking Ship were the Token Piece Of Eye-Candy and the Strong Smart Guy Who Could Win Almost Any Challenge Single-Handed. Unsurprisingly, because they're "celebrities" and not strategists, they voted off the guy who made them all look merely incompetent at things involving survival skills, rather than the one who made them look like a bunch of dumb horny frat boys. Ten vaguely human-shaped organisms are left. Who will be voted out... TONIGHT?

3. I'm not sure why Hornebags thinks storing the fruit from the last reward anywhere else (as opposed to the bag they came in) was supposed to be a safeguard against getting them attacked by fruit flies. I would have thought the bag was at least offering a layer of protection. But then again, if I actually were able to spend enough time to find any sense in one of Hornebags' pointless arguments, the world would probably implode on itself, so.

4. Hey, editors? Don't need the concept of "Oldfart is climbing a tree" to be shown with a shot from directly below, giving the impression we can see up his shorts. Just... ew. Oldfart confessionals, shorts safely below the bottom of the frame, that Cockula doesn't need a leader to be successful. No wonder he works in New South Wales state politics. Back out in the jungle, Oldfart shakes the tree so hard a coconut falls out and conks ManNan on the head. I suspect it's not the first time ManNan's head has had physical contact with a nut, but that may just be projecting. ManNan, Gab, and the Leech all laugh at his total inability to move out of the way of flying nuts.

5. Gab tells us that Cockula is "a really strong tribe" and is "capable of winning all the challenges". Aside from that one they just lost, I guess. She knows that "each person on the team" has got something they're good at, but she's still trying to find hers. I know, I know! Her special talent is being far less irritating than anyone else on her godforsaken tribe! It's certainly not chopping coconuts, from what we see. Or perhaps it's the ability to publicly embarrass people for "having a slash" on a beach in front of some cameras. Nah, it can't be that. The Leech is already doing a fine job of making a laughingstock of himself. Also, GROSS.

6. I know how the yawning lizard feels.

7. Hornebags provides a confessional, trying to explain where in her decision making process she made the leap from "everyone hates me" to "time for naked sunbathing!" She strips off and sits inside a small pond. It's wrong of me to hope that pond has flesh-eating bacteria in it, right? Okay, I won't. Much. It certainly does look pretty stagnant, though. More blabbering about how the act of getting nude on camera is a spiritual thing and not just some excuse to get more screentime, and WHATEVER. If I wasn't already gay enough as it was, that would have just pushed me over the borderline. (Bor-derliiine!)

8. You know what the best thing about not doing full recaps for this show is? I don't feel obliged to recap the treemail. Or the bit where the tribes can't figure out what the challenge is going to entail, even when it's pointed out so blatantly in the clue that I'm surprised there aren't little flashing neon lights wired into the plank of wood with the message on it. But anyway, the challenge is that one where you put something on one side of a seesaw and stomp on the other side to catapult it into the basket on top of you. Dicko calls it "The Basket Stomp", which is officially the least imaginative name since The Baby-Sitters Club was popular. Mofo have decided to come in war paint as a show of tribal unity. Which is convenient, because the Cowboys and Injuns (as Dicko put it) are about to be shuffled.

9. Also convenient? Justin and Gab both managing to avoid elimination in the first two episodes so they can choose their new tribes. It's one of those "choose someone of the other sex" deals, but this time Justin and Gab will do all the choosing, as opposed to each person picked choosing the next one. I like the other way better, but not by much. Justin does the smart thing and gives himself an out if his new tribe (let's call them MoFaux) loses, by picking Hornebags first. Long story short, MoFaux has Justin, Hornebags, ManNan, Amber, and Oldfart, while Shockula has the other losers. By which I mean Gab, the Leech, Nicolle, Wayne, and Imogen. Boy, it's hard to choose which tribe I dislike least. In theory, Shockula's only crime is having the two men, but then ManNan and Amber are stuck on a tribe with three irritating twats, so it sort of balances out. They are fairly evenly matched skillwise, though, which is a vast improvement on how it could have gone. Imagine how different this would be had some of these people been separated differently. Go ahead. It's not going to wind up looking this even on paper if Oldfart and the Leech switched positions, is it? And we came that close to this being another blowout. I think the onomatopoeia I'm looking for is "Phew".

10. The challenge itself is so dull that the most interesting aspects are Dicko deciding to re-welcome everyone to The Basket Stomp, as though they'd all been concussed after a nasty crash at the Whistler Sliding Centre (which, by the way, will now be remembered as part of the most awkwardly uncomfortable Amazing Race prize holiday ever, but more on that when I get around to writing about TAR16), and the fact that Dicko barely manages to avoid tacking "and it could all be yours, if The Price... Is... Right!" on to the end of his revealing the reward to be a full-on outdoor kitchen set-up. (I have now made Price Is Right mentions in two recaps for this and one for The Mole. Apparently, I really miss the little yodelling mountain climber and his dog.) Mofaux wins it.

11. Gab explains that while they were waiting for the new tribe members to arrive at Shockula (it looks like they didn't go straight there from the challenge, for whatever reason), Wayne and the Leech were busy trying to convince her to boot Imogen. Funny how they were treating her like crap just yesterday, and are now including her as part of the decision-making process because they no longer have an unassailable majority. Imogen tells us that she was able to hear everything they were saying, because the shoreline of Vanuatu is not exactly soundproof, and knew the men were going to try and get all the information they needed out of them before voting them out. Trying to get information to help them last longer than you in a game only winnable by getting rid of everyone else? Those rat bastards!

12. At MoFaux, Oldfart explains that either he or ManNan is likely to be voted out if the tribe loses, so there's got to be some serious magic juju to keep them both around. Luckily, Hornebags has found some freaky painted tchotchke, which she thinks is responsible for helping them find food and whatnot. ManNan thinks she's trying to pull a fast one on him, but soon discovers that she really is that batshit insane. Oldfart does too, contrasting her background in "paganism" with his conservative lifestyle. Conservative enough to self-describe as "metrosexual". Eh.

13. Hornebags wants the camp realigned in accordance with feng shui, but the only thing well-placed is the commercial break.

14. Risotto is a romantic meal, at any time of night and even with Oldfart as your chef-slash-waiter. Elton is jealous, realising that Oldfart's pretty much bought his way to safety by cooking them a decent meal, and making him the sole odd one out. Crap. The creepy idol thingy agrees with him and me, in that he's screwed (and not in any of the fun ways).

15. Wayne claims that the tribal shuffle has "brought a whole lot of new dynamics" to the tribe. Is 'dynamics' a new euphemism for 'boobs'? Unfortunately for him, the women are busy being self-sufficient and not at all like the 1950's Stepford Wife he and the rest of Cockula were trying to turn Gab into before the shuffle. Don't they know they can't make toothbrushes by chopping down palm fronds? He and the Leech are in denial about having the capacity to do anything to change their fate at this point.

16. Oh, look. Hornebags is naked again. Amber is discussing strategy with her, and God bless the editors for finding a confessional where she uses the word 'confronting'. That's almost too easy a target, really. Amber is aware that Hornebags and Justin are tight, as are ManNan and Oldfart, which leaves Amber as the least tight person on MoFaux. Not exactly the person I would have suspected, to be totally honest.

17. It's not so much fun not recapping the treemail when there isn't any to recap.

18. When they walk up to the challenge, it's a big jail set-up, which will be good practice for when the winner gets arrested for tax evasion or animal cruelty. Or whatever else they get imprisoned for. The challenge is pretty much the same as the one they used for the Outcasts in Survivor: Pearl Islands. One person runs down a path to grab the tribe flag before coming back. They dig under the gate to get into the cell and untie someone, and both of them dig into the next cell to untie someone else. All three of them use whatever they can grab to build a pole and grab a hanging key, which unlocks the next cell. Finally, they use the same pole to grab another key, unlocking the two people chained up inside like so many movie characters, and escaping out the front door. This is, of course, so much tougher than escaping from an actual Australian prison. And about sixteen or seventeen times less humane. They don't even get Foxtel here! They'd be lucky just to get GO! First tribe out wins. I don't know why neither tribe uses the pole from their tribe flag to help them grab the keys, but it'd be both longer (meaning making the pole takes less time) and more secure (meaning it's less likely to break and cause you to lose even more time) than the sticks on the ground are. Something for MoFaux to ponder over as they wait for Tribal Council, since Shockula wins.

19. Monkey!

20. Hornebags correctly blames herself for losing, calling it "a really big drag". Takes one to know one, I suppose. (Yes, I realise that makes approximately zero sense. I don't care.) She takes the time to check with the group whether they'll hold her responsible for making them lose the challenge, and stupidly decides to point out exactly where she screwed the team over. It's good to know she was at least paying attention to something in the challenge. She claims she'll be able to suck it up and deal if they blame her for the loss. Well, good.

21. Oldfart is only too happy to point out that a supposedly self-sufficient woman failed to, as he puts it, "bring home the bacon". He says the tribe's losing the challenge doesn't affect who gets voted out, but whether Hornebags can keep her numbers majority after losing the challenge does. So, in essence, he's saying he would apparently still be trying to vote for her even if they won the challenge. I can just imagine Hornebags retrieving treemail the next morning and wondering why the hell there are slips of paper with her name written in giant, television-friendly letters. Actually, given the intelligence of these people, it could be any of them.

22. During the commercial break, Hornebags moved back three steps so she could walk up the same path she was walking along during Oldfart's confessional. Because she just isn't getting enough screentime this week, between the fruit argument and the nude stagnant swamp bath and the losing the challenge. She thinks Oldfart is "totally, unexpectedly awesome". Well then. If Hornebags says she likes him, I suppose I have to add him to The List. I wonder who I can get rid of from the list, though. There's just so many hateable people on it at this point.

23. ManNan is indeed "rockin' it".

24. Quoth the Hornebags: "Unless I'm an absolute idiot and the, the biggest... um, like, most naive idiot in the world, I am 500% sure that Amber, Justin and I are locked in solid, and we've made our choice." Oh, my. OH, MY. Could they at least make me work for decent snark? This is like taking candy from a baby. And by "a baby", I mean "the editors". They're probably expecting me to lift their shirts and give them a raspberry for this.

25. Amber skates everywhere around the hole in the ice that is saying the words "I'm the swing vote", but unfortunately for Hornebags (let's be honest, it will be Hornebags), she's competent enough to avoid falling in. Barely. She must have been getting lessons from Imogen before the tribe shuffle. Oldfart tells her Hornebags has "lost her right to be here". Yes, really. Meanwhile, Justin and ManNan helped them win the challe... oh, wait.

26. Tribal Council is just as dreary and boring as it was under the old recapping style. But Amber does provide a very interesting answer about how she didn't expect the politicking to be such a major part of her time in this game, and didn't bother spending much time before the show trying to figure out how she should approach it. Apparently, she was hoping this would be Survivor: Kadina Edition. I knew I liked her. And Dicko has to ruin all my enjoyment of this whole scene by claiming the shuffle ruined the awesome little society Justin's set up for himself. Because, as we all know, when there are a bunch of women and only one man, the man is the centre of attention. It's exactly why we saw Charlie all the time and rarely saw his Angels. Meanwhile, Hornebags thinks "[her] tribe's safety and warmth was more important than [her] twenty-year-old pack of tarot cards". Yeah, let's see if she still feels that way in ten minutes.

27. To cut a long, boring and montage-filled story short, Dicko brings back the votes and Oldfart gets the first two, before Fiona gets the rest. Hey, this is actually tense! But it's Hornebags and Oldfart, so it doesn't really matter. I'm happy either way. The last vote is for Hornebags, and that'll do her. I wonder if her tarot cards would have seen this coming, had she looked at them. Rather than point this out, Dicko decides to go with a kiddie-friendly round of "Ding, Dong, The Witch Is Gone". Her final words are filled with an obscene amount of fake cheer and genuine bitterness. Ding, dong, the wicked witch is dead!

2x02: Episode 2

2009-10-18T16:29:00.000-07:00

In which Hornebags is both a witch and a bitch, in which Dicko treats his job as both hoasting and roasting, and in which ManNan is both out of the loop and a key part of Ben's unanimous boot. Sigh.

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Previously on Missing Link? Me Too: Eleven people who count as celebrities in some upside-down parallel universe were "marooned on two islands, with nothing but the clothes on their backs and a few personal items". Except they're actually on different sides of the same island, despite what the map in the credits says. Remember when both of the American tribes had to walk to their camps that season? These are the same beaches. But whatever. Nine of them were divided into the men's tribe, Cockula, and the women's tribe, Mofo, at least until producers decided that there weren't quite enough boobs on the men's team and that the women needed help from a man. Nicolle and the Peroxidevil seemed unable to grasp the concept that you can actually use logs and stuff to sleep on in the absence of things like tents and commonsense. Imogen sucked at pretty much everything, but only the Reward Challenge fuck-up is dwelled on. When Cockula won the reward, Hornebags impaled a puzzle piece out of anger. Dicko talks in the present tense as we are reminded that the reward was not basic camping equipment. Gab mud-wrestled in her bikini, and it helped lure Ben over to Cockula. Gab confessionaled that he could save their lives, while he chose to focus on how much of a prize he is (and he really is). Imogen and Hornebags apparently had a non-important argument at Tribal Council, but the Peroxidevil clicked her heels three times and said "there's no place like the hotel", so she got to quit instead. Now, eleven people remain. Which of them will get a second chance to reclaim their fame... TONIGHT?

Credits! Fear the knife-wielding conservative politician! Fear the CGI flames! Fear the straw hat! (Incidentally, editors, thanks for the spoilery sight of ManNan in a Mofo buff.)

Mofo. Day 4. The tribe has apparently been given a blanket of some sort at some time, and they're sleeping under it. Just in case you thought they were using it to catch fish or something. Which sadly wouldn't be out of the question with this particular group of twits in charge. Imogen wakes up. She confessionals about how she's finding the game to be taking a toll on her both "physically and emotionally". She's perfectly fine mentally, apparently. Her body is telling her to quit, but her head wants her to keep going. I must have missed the memo where it was confirmed that your head is no longer considered part of your body. Did it come around at about the same time as Pluto was demoted? Back at the Mofo hut, Hornebags (busy tending to the fire, as all witches do) asks her if she's "about to vomit". Only at the sight of Hornebags still trying to make nice around camp. Nicolle confessionals that Imogen is "having a tough time", and thinks Imogen "needs some food" because she wasn't able to effectively throw up. Someone should tell these women that the anorexia sort of takes care of itself when you don't eat the food to begin with. Imogen is scared that the game is going to ruin their physical health. Starvation will do that, I've heard. Justin tells us that he's also "extremely weak", and we know. Thus why he wasn’t put on the tribe with all the professional sportspeople, even in spite of his man bits. Oh, he means because he hasn't eaten in a few days. Well, there's that too, I suppose. Amber whines about wanting food, and asks what she has "to do around here to eat", and yet the crew manage to avoid telling her that perhaps searching for food might help. Can you believe it's been four days now and they still haven't managed to find the secret all-you-can-eat buffet right behind the bushes? She wants to "smash a couple of bloody coconuts", and I can suggest a couple of blood-filled shells they can start with if she wants. Kyle Sandilands, for one, though I suspect his body has successfully managed to turn gravy into a passable facsimile for blood.

Imogen lies down and resumes not dry-heaving.

A speedy flight over Vanuatu's blue, blue water takes us to Cockula, where Gab is busy completing the postcard image by getting a tan on the beach. Meanwhile, the men (and by "men", I mean "the Leech") do something resembling actual work. ManNan confessionals (I KNOW!) that Cockula is probably much more successful than Mofo at the moment, because he doesn't think Mofo have managed to get any food. I get a kick out of his official claim to fame being "Former Wallaby". He must have gone to the same plastic surgeon as Michael Jackson, for that much of a change. (Too soon?) ManNan also says that Ben has "a wealth of experience on the land", which apparently amounts to "getting coconuts out of a tree by using a giant piece of bamboo to whack them out like pinatas". The Leech compares Ben's arrival at Cockula to going back to school and learning about something you never thought existed. Except I'm fairly certain maths and geography always were subjects.

Ben opens a coconut with a machete, and the boys eat, drink, and are merry. Wayne points out that having Ben around to treat like a slave is much nicer than when they were struggling to provide for themselves with only Gab to order around. Obviously not in so many words, given Ben's around and they're trying to court his friendship, but the basic point is the same. Gab is busy trying to make toothbrushes out of reeds, and decides in a confessional that "life has improved for our tribe... a-hundred-fold". Well, yes, every group of people stranded on an island needs its own Professor, Ginger.

The Leech tells us that he thinks, "Ben's a threat" because Ben actually knows what he's supposed to be doing out here, and so the guys need to weigh up the pros and cons of him staying or going. And, frankly, I can't see a single reason to get rid of him. He's strong enough to help you win challenges, he's resourceful enough to help you survive, and he's hot enough that you may not even need to know how to make fire. Ben tells us he sees himself as a threat to everyone else, but thinks they're not going to get rid of him at the first available chance. He is all cute and shirtless throughout this episode, and I wholeheartedly approve.

A moaning voice means it's time to go back to Mofo, even though it doesn't belong to a contestant. Justin and Amber sunbake, and Amber takes the chance to whine some more about being hungry. Now get to it, slave boy, and grab her some food! Justin promises he will go and look for food eventually. It's not like he'll have anything else to do over the next 22 days.

Aside from the challenges, that is. Nicolle has the treemail, and confessionals that she read it and doesn't think the challenge is going to be physical, because the women are so outskilled at anything requiring muscles. Well, yes, just like they deliberately avoided physical challenges last week. The message reads:

To improve the slumber of your little society
Comes a challenge with a lot of variety
Winning this will be quite a thrill
But it's important how little you spill
If you're really careful when you tread
You'll have sweet dreams tucked up in bed

Worst. Treemail. Ever. And I recapped every single one last season.

As the news that they're not going to play for any food settles in, Amber and Imogen whine about it. They try and figure out what the challenge is going to entail, but pretty much only reiterate that they'll be playing for a bed of some kind and will need to be careful about not spilling something. Justin confessionals that Mofo "don't stand a hope", if the challenge is going to be physical, because Cockula "are well-fed, strong, and physical, and the girls just can't do it". Imogen also says that Mofo will "be in serious trouble" if they keep losing. It occurs to me that what they really need to do here is come up with some twist to replace Justin and Hornebags with NoMind and Craig, who would totally have still been famous enough to qualify as a "celebrity". You know it'd work.

Volcano go boom-boom.

Challenge beach, where an painstakingly built and therefore ridiculously stupid obstacle course it waiting. The tribes walk in, and we see two matching cage-like things, as well as two piles of coconuts, and two empty glass milk bottles. Dicko welcomes the tribes, and makes the Leech do the bit where he would normally tell the tribe that the Peroxidevil got voted out last week if he was Probst. Dicko asks Hornebags whether it's "daunting" to have to go up against Cockula, and she thinks it isn't, if only for the reason that Mofo have "a bigger heart". Oldfart, visible for the first time in this entire episode, looks at her with the sort of glare you'd give to someone deciding to jump over a barbed wire fence with no clothes on.

Dicko decides to remind us that this challenge, which he calls "the Coconut Juice Challenge", is for reward. Just in case you thought they were going to get to the Immunity Challenge eight minutes and 21 seconds into the episode. He also points out that Mofo "really need[s] to win this", because otherwise Kadina will lose its place as Worst Performing Tribe On An Australian Version Of Survivor. Anyway, one person at a time will crack open a tribe-coloured coconut, and pour the juice into another coconut shell. Then, they will take that shell and walk over a "shaky plank", through a "box maze" (the same thing the American version usually call a "toughnut"), and across a see-saw. When you've done that, you pour whatever juice you have left into the bottle on your table at the end of the course, and run back so the next person can go. The first tribe to fill their bottle up to the marked line and bring it back wins. Simple. Dicko reveals the reward, which this week is in two parts. There's a "fabulous" bundle of fruits, which Dicko thinks Mofo will like, plus the outdoor bed mentioned in the treemail, which really looks to just be a couple of bolts of fabric stretched out over a wooden frame. Dicko really gets his Price Is Right on when explaining the bed, but I'm not going to bother recapping it because his appearing on this show is already embarrassing enough for him. Which is probably a good thing, because I don't remember any game on that show involving coconuts.

Commercials. Because this is such a logical place to put them.

We return with Gab walking her way over to the sidelines, because she's sitting out. Dicko gives us the Catchphrase Of Oh My God, Are You Seriously Still Trying To Get That To Take Off, Because That Stupid Catchphrase Is Even Worse Than "Fetch"? and they're off. Justin and "Big Ben" are the first people to play. Justin gets his coconut open quickly, and manages to steal some of the juice for himself while he's at it. As you do. The shaky plank, as it turns out, is nothing more than a balance beam that's swinging from a couple of ropes like a bridge rather than being anchored to the ground. Neither guy has any trouble with it, but then Ben's bulky frame has trouble getting through the tiny box maze, and he falls behind. Justin has no issues at all with the see-saw, and neither does Ben. Dicko reminds us that Justin is "getting all his juice in the bottle", as though it's some surprise that he'd try to win the challenge. Ben only has a few drops left, apparently, but it still goes in his bottle. Hornebags and ManNan are next. ManNan smashes his coconut open so much that not only does he not get any juice in his shell, but he also manages to get the shell he just broke open to fly halfway across the beach. It might have been the same reason Ben hardly had any juice. These two both fail to even make it to the shaky plank before spilling. In fact, ManNan spills so much that it's even visible for me to see on the little, middle-finger-sized video I'm watching. We get a shot of ManNan entering the box maze, and it's here I realise that they've literally just spray painted part of the bamboo to look the right colour. They didn't even bother to colour the whole bamboo thing, though, which makes it look even more low-budget than Australian Survivor ever did. Surprisingly, he manages to get more juice in the bottle than Hornebags does.

Randomly awesome music plays as Hornebags runs back so Imogen can start smashing. Imogen's up against the Leech, and somehow she manages to both lose the lead and be "gaining on [the Leech]" at the same time. The Leech runs like a girl. So does Imogen. Only one of them is to be expected. Wayne also manages to lose a lot of juice when he cracks open the coconut, which really seems to be the big issue here, because they haven't been losing much juice on the actual course. Nicolle, on the other hand, does not appear to lose any at all, and this may just be her first contribution to the game. Wayne doesn't get much, but Nicolle appears to get a whole lot. Ben's playing again for Cockula, even though Oldfart is yet to have a turn, and once again spills a lot of his juice early on. Justin gets a fair bit of juice into the bottle. Ben... does not. The Leech is in the box maze as Imogen smashes her coconut open. As Oldfart finally gets onto the course, Dicko tells us that even with Mofo consistently managing to get to the end with a fair bit of juice left in their shells, Cockula is ahead, and we're definitely missing a huge chunk of this challenge here, because only, like, one of the members of Cockula have appeared to make any significant contribution. Justin and ManNan are back again, and ManNan fills the bottle up. Cockula wins. How, I have no idea. They celebrate, complete with ManNan aiming the juice bottle at everyone like they just won a Grand Prix, and with the Leech impersonating Jesus or something. Blasphemy! Crucify him!

Dicko reminds Mofo that they're going home empty-handed again, and Hornebags feels the need to give a motivatory speech about how they can find their own food and hold each other's hands and whatnot. Because, you know, they've done such a good job of finding their own food up until this point. Shut up, Hornebags. Dicko asks Cockula if, since they're so good at not sucking at challenges, they'd like to share their food with Mofo.

FUCK. THAT. SHIT.

This is EXACTLY why Australian Survivor didn't take off. There's no fun if everybody shares in everything. I want to see people engaged in gladiatorial combat just to win a grape, not this Montessori school crap. Anyway, moving on past the bit where they act like communists and make me want to take my little TARDIS to mid-2006 Vanuatu so I can get them to write their own names on The List, and the bit where Hornebags is noticeably not cheering at the concept of free food, and the bit where ManNan goes to kiss Imogen, shall we? Good. Dicko tells the "love-fest-ing" to end, and... It’s your own goddamn fault, Dicko, so don't try to put the blame on them. Twit. Everyone is sent back to their camps.

Cockula. A bird flies off of a tree branch, trying to desert the communist undertones of this show. Someone has apparently already delivered the bed to their camp by the time they arrive, which I find somewhat hard to believe. The Leech provides some motivational claptrap, then confessionals that he "felt sorry for" Mofo, but that he didn't want to win as a result of everybody dying. Because, you know, hoping for people to die is my little niche, and if wants to hope for people to die, he can take his spot right at the top of my List.

Oldfart decides that it's a good idea to whine that Hornebags is trying to play the game all the time, just because she wasn't immediately forthcoming with the hugs and smooches when Cockula gave up some of their reward. ManNan, the Leech, and Wayne all agree that she's Not Very Nice. And... I didn't see Craig kissing Joel when Tipara gave Kadina those phone calls, and you'd think I'd remember that if it happened, so... shut up, Oldfart. The mystery isn't why Hornebags didn't act like you were the saviours of all mankind, it's why everyone else DID.

Speaking of the Mofo tribe as an annoying collective unit, they arrive back at camp, with Justin lugging their bag of fruity goodness. Nicolle confessionals at sunset that "the gorgeous boys gave [Mofo] half their fruit anyway, so [Mofo] won!" Okay, firstly, you didn't win. You still lost the challenge. It's just that Cockula aren't thinking with their heads at the moment. Either of them. Secondly, Gab's gorgeous, yes, but it'd be pushing it to call her a boy. Thirdly, has she even seen the boys over on Cockula? Ben's gorgeous, ManNan is sort of passable, I suppose, but the rest of them make Pauline Hanson look like a beauty queen. When the tribe wants to see what fruit they were given, Hornebags decides to tell the others that she's fully sated but everyone can eat some of it if they want, as though somebody cares what she thinks. Imogen confessionals that the fruit was "better than... God". Heh. Someone tries to share the fruit with Hornebags, who says she's "fine on the stuff [she] found on the beach", and that she doesn't "care if [she's coming] across hardcore", and that the tribe doesn't "need favours". The only thing that's hardcore at the moment is how much I want this season to be over already. And it's only the second episode. And I took a six-month sabbatical in between recapping these two episodes. Hornebags rants that the guys sharing came off as patronising -- and she's right, it sort of did, the way Dicko handled it -- but that it's better for them to make Cockula think they're really struggling. Right. And saying you're doing perfectly fine as you pass up free food given because they think you guys are struggling helps you communciate this... how? Shut up, Hornebags.

Nicolle decides to shut her up by saying the food "tastes fan-damn-tastic". Hornebags claims that they should remember that they can still do it on their own, "with style, grace, and good humour". Well, she's 0 for 3 at the moment, then. Drums play slowly as Hornebags walks off, having successfully ruined the moment. Nicolle confessionals that Hornebags has "very strong views" about the ability of the girls to do this themselves. Really? I hadn't noticed. Amber confessionals that it's probably a good idea to "enjoy a nice gesture by someone else, and tone down the 'girl power' at times." I have no idea who she is or why she's here, but damn it, I like her. So, in other words, she's exactly like the other Amber who's been on this show, except I like her.

A snake slithers through some leaves. Imogen reminds Amber that she now has proof Hornebags is an obnoxious little turd. Imogen confessionals that she "is trying to convince everybody to vote for [Hornebags]", mostly because she thinks that Hornebags will try and get everyone to vote for her. Of course, there's also the reason that she sucks at challenges and will probably get booted if they keep losing anyway, but she doesn't seem to think this is worthy of reminding us about.

Commercials. Musical Rhetorical Question Of The Week: Is it wrong for anyone to say they like I Hate The Music?

Still Mofo. Still Day 4. Jungle-y music accompanies a flying bird. Hornebags shakes some limes or something out of a tree, and Nicolle squeals in delight. Hornebags confessionals that the tribe doesn't need Ben to win them food. Hornebags confessionals that the only problem they have with getting food is that nothing edible in the surrounding area is ripe yet. Well, she could always perform some magic on it to make it ripen up. (...What's that? It's not working? Guess she's not a very good witch, then.) She tells us that because of this, they're going to look a bit further afield. Which is where they find a few paw-paws. Mmmm, paw-paw. They also find some taro root or something. Nicolle confessionals that they "won't be starving or anything".

A spider hangs from its web, made invisible by the camera. As we and Imogen both knew would happen, Hornebags is trying to work Nicolle over, saying that the key to success in this game is a positive attitude. Which is exactly why Hornebags is on the tribe that's won every challenge so far, I guess. Hornebags asks Nicolle if she knows who she's going to get rid of if they lose, and Nicolle automatically goes into a long, possibly-rehearsed spiel, ticking off all the reasons why Imogen needs to go home. Essentially: Imogen is sick. That is all.

Cockula. The boys are busy chopping up the bed. Gab provides a confessional telling us that the guys were chopping up the bed. It sounds as if she doesn't exactly want to lose the one item of luxury she didn't help the tribe earn. The Leech tries to claim that they're doing it to "extend [their] condominium", and anyone who actually uses the full word 'condominium' automatically makes it on the list for sounding like an obsequious twatwaffle. Wayne wonders if they can use the tent-y covering around the bed as mosquito netting on their original shelter. The Leech confessionals that Cockula were "rapt" with the reward, but soon realised that having six people on a massive oversized bed is a little gay or something, and so decided to get rid of it so they could sleep in their even smaller shelter. Because that's not the least bit gay. ManNan confessionals (TWICE IN ONE EPISODE!) that "it's just boys and our toys", and that the machetes they have ae better toys than the bed would be. Gab tries to find something to do, and Wayne tells her to empty the bedding out of their existing shelter. Lesson: Women are only good at doing things inside the house, no matter how shabbily constructed it is. Thanks, Wayne. Oh, and: Shut up.

He does not, confessionaling that Gab's gotta do more work, or she's going to get voted out. He asks Gab what she thinks, apparently about the shelter, but then responds to her passive-agressive rebuttal by telling her he thinks she should be voted off, because Ben is more important to the tribe. This is said while she's still emptying out the bedding, and he's basically sitting in a tree doing fuckall. Gab confessionals that it was the Leech's idea regarding voting Ben out first, simply because he's the new member of the team, but that "there's different ways to look at it", now that Wayne's come out and said that he will probably vote for Gab over Ben, everybody's fair game. Sounds like fun.

The sun sets over the singular island, and the moon also rises over the same singular island. Convenient, that.

Dolphins swim in the sea the following morning. Yes, dolphins. Turns out they really did Free Willy. Amber asks Hornebags what dolphins eat, and she replies, "fish," like it's the stupidest question she's ever been asked. Amber wants to know what the dolphins are doing, and soon realises they're playing when one of them decides to jump up and say "Help me! I'm being gay-bashed by sharks!" Hornebags says she saw the pod of dolphins and knew it was going to be a good day. Apparently, her tarot cards told her today was going to be the Apocalypse or something.

Hornebags and Amber return to camp, where Justin is cooking. We have to endure hearing Hornebags blabber on about how delicious it looks and how good it's going to taste before we find out that he's pretty much boiling some coconut and some taro.

Hornebags takes the chance, with Imogen and Justin suddenly out of earshot (even though it appears to be the same scene as the previous one), to try and convince Amber and Nicolle that if they can win today's challenge, they can get the four of them to the merge, even though (1) she has no idea when the merge will be, (2) she isn't taking into account whether they will lose any more challenges before the merge, and (3) Imogen is still a part of their tribe. Amber tries to point out Imogen's existence, and Hornebags tells her that Imogen is both "more divisive than integrative", and banned from whining about how she's weak solely because she's ten years younger than anyone else on the tribe. Hornebags claims that she doesn't "want to be horrible or hardcore, [she's] just being honest". Yeah, well, I'm just being honest when I say that you've made The List and are steadily climbing up it like the Human Fly. Also, it's only taken us two episodes to get to someone using the "I'm not being an arsehole, this is how I really am!" excuse. Feh. Justin listens in from behind a bush or something, as she makes her final case that they've played this game too hard to not get to the merge and at least have a chance of winning. Tell that to the members of Kadina, most of whom also played hard enough to justify getting past the merge and doing well in the game, and still didn't. Because these people? Have done less than jack shit to deserve to win at the moment. Craig? Deserved to win. NoMind? Deserved to win. Caren? Deserved to win. Deb? Deserved to win. Tim? Boring, but deserved to win. Lucindork? Deserved to not get voted out unanimously in the first episode. Hornebags? Shook limes out of a tree. Amber correctly confessionals that most of the tension in their tribe -- oh, okay, all of it -- is between Imogen and Hornebags. Justin tells us that Hornebags "is on a mission", and that his mother is a much wiser woman than he is.

Commercials. I almost don't want to know why I just heard my sister yelling the words, "Get your toenails out of my nose!"

Challenge clearing, where a bunch of baskets or something are positioned randomly. Cockula marches in. Mofo marches in. I sit in front of my computer, happy that I don't have to recap another horrendous treemail message. Dicko does his little welcoming bit, reminding everyone that this is an Immunity Challenge. He asks Mofo if they were happy with the "handout" they got from Cockula. Everyone else says the fruit was "gratefully received", but Hornebags brags that they were able to find more food on their own. Way to make your tribe look weak! Dicko asks if they felt like they "were accepting charity", and Hornebags complains some more. As soon as she finishes ranting, Amber graciously thanks Cockula for the fruit. Gab immediately says that they're welcome,

Dicko reminds everyone that it's still an Immunity Challenge, in case they'd forgotten at some point in the past twenty-three seconds, and takes the Immunity Whatsit back from Cockula. Dicko asks Cockula if they're confident, and Oldfart tries to claim his tribe is "never overconfident". Has he even been watching the same show? Dicko snarks on him for how boring and irrelevant what he says is, and the girls laugh.

Amazing Fact For The Day: Dicko is entirely ill-suited for hosting this show, and is the latest in a long line of hosting decisions made because Seven just wanted to find someone who they erroneously thought was popular and stick them into any vacancy they have, regardless of whether it makes sense. (See also: Tom Williams, Kochie, Dan MacPherson, Grant Denyer)

Oh, fine. Dicko's Amazing Fact For The Day is that there are 105 different languages spoken in Vanuatu. However, there's one language, Bislama, which makes it possible to communicate anywhere in the country. Dicko calls it a "highly amusing and at times downright absurd corruption of the English language". So I guess we know what his opinion about Bislama is. Maybe it's because he's British that he thinks fucking with the English language is stupid. And moving on. He provides the example "NUMBA WAN PIKININI BLONG IM QUEEN", and asks the players whether they can work out who it's referring to. Oldfart, royalist as he undoubtedly is, is the first person to realise it's supposed to mean Prince Charles. I note that he doesn't tell us what the Bislama for "Princess Di" is. Probably "NUMBA WAN ZOMBI BLONG IM TUNIL" or something. (Oh, yes. You heard me. Di was unfathomably awesome in a way that only a few people ever have been, but it was twelve years ago, people. It's time to move on.)

And why is Dicko taking the time to tell us this, I hear you ask? Because it's part of the challenge. Essentially, they're playing Memory. Out in the clearing, there are twenty-four covered tables. On twelve are common items, on the other twelve are plaques showing the Bislama words for the twelve items, written by hand because this show's budget got all used up cancelling the celebrities' appearances at toilet cubicle openings. One person uncovers two of the tables. If they match, they score a point, and both items are out of play. If not, they both get covered up again. Either way, the other tribe gets to send someone out for their turn. The first tribe to five points wins. Which is kind of stupid, given there are twelve pairs, but whatever. Couldn't they have gotten rid of a pair and made it first to six? Or added a pair and made it first to seven? The way they're doing it, you could get a winner with over half of the items still unmatched. Cockula has to sit someone out (except Dicko says they'll have to "stand someone down", which doesn't sound nearly as intriguing or fun), and since it can't be Gab, they choose ManNan. Or, rather, the Leech chooses ManNan.

Survivors ready? ...Go? I'm really not sure how to answer that when they're not actually, you know, going anywhere. The good thing about this challenge is that Dicko doesn't give us the COOMG,AYSSTTGTTTO,BTSCIEWT"F"?, but he does tell us that Mofo can't even win a coin toss. Even Kadina won one of them!

Gab goes first for Cockula. She finds a mirror and a saucepan. Amber grabs some boardies, and the right translation - "CLOS BLONG SWIM". One point for Mofo. The Leech has fishing line and a towel. Dicko reminds us that these two don't exactly match. Justin has a mug and the words "BASKET BLONG TITI", and if you haven't figured out what's hiding under one of these covers and the hilarity the producers expect if and when it's found, I can't help you. Ben finds a toy helicopter, that most common of household items, and Dicko asks if he was in Black Hawk Down. Heh. His other selection is a saw, which he can use to decapitate his kidnappers when his helicopter is shot down over Baghdad. (Also, doesn't he get a point for finding two choppers?) Imogen finds "GLASS BLONG LOOK LOOK", and Nicolle is the first person to work out that it's supposed to go with the mirror. She finds it again, and they get another point. Oldfart has "STRING BLONG FISH", by far the least amusing translation out there, which seems oddly apt. He finds the fishing line, and Cockula finally has a point. Nicolle has "STICK BLONG FAIA", and your guess is as good as mine. Amber thinks it might be the toy helicopter. It's not. Wayne has some matches, and now that "STICK BLONG FAIA" makes sense, which is good, because it's right. We're tired up, two each. Hornebags has the bra, and I'm sure the producers really wanted one of the guys to find. She finds the matching label, gesturing to her own boobs as she reads the "TITI" bit, and goes to find the bra so she can burn it in a show of feminism later. Gab finds a sign reading "GRASS BLONG PIGIN", and Dicko has to correct her pronunciation, because otherwise the pigeon part of the name isn't funny. Or something. She also finds the non-subtitled name for the saucepan. Amber has said saucepan, and finds the sign again. We still do not get it subtitled. The Leech finds some feathers, but tries to match it with an empty basket. Because that sometimes works. Justin goes right up the back for the "GRASS BLONG PIGIN" slate, and the feathers as well. So Mofo wins what will undoubtedly be called a "tight contest" in next week's previews. Dicko claims that the idol has "been a long time coming". Yes, because five days is an eternity and a fortnight. He reminds Cockula that they're going to go to a weenie roast tonight. (Unless Mofo would like to share their Immunity, of course.)

Mofo, Day 5. Somehow, despite bringing their tribe flag with them to the challenge, it is missing when the tribe returns home with the Immunity Whatsit. Nicolle confessionals that it was "such a buzz" to know what it feels like to not lose. Imogen seems to think that winning the challenge proves the importance of "mind over matter" somehow, and damned if I can figure out what it is, because they weren't dealing with advanced Descartes-level philosophy, they were making pairs out of tangible items. Hmmm. Amber wonders "whether [Cockula] actually thought we had a chance of winning". I think as soon as they realised it was a thinking challenge they were done for. Because really? Wayne, ManNan, the Leech? Don't seem big on the brains-y-ness. Imogen confessionals that she wants to go to Tribal Council tonight, just so she can get rid of Hornebags, and thinks that both Amber and Nicolle agree.

You know who really is going to have to vote someone out? Cockula. They arrive back on their beach, and Oldfart points out that the Leech in all his motivational pseudo-glory told the rest of the tribe that they're "3 for 1", which manages to be both impressive and impossible at the same time. The Leech confessionals that just yesterday, "there was no paranoia, no concern," and now that they're going to have to do the bit with the voting people out, everyone's out for the jugular. The Leech and Wayne agree that they were going to lose at some point, but didn't know when. And now we know. And it sucks, because it means that not only do we not rid ourselves of Hornebags, but it also means that the boys club is almost certainly going to gang up on either Ben or Gab, and they're the only two people on this tribe I can really tolerate at the moment. The Leech confessionals once more, because nobody else can have a moment to shine on this tribe, this time about how it's "not a good feeling" to have to try and improve your chances of winning money.

Commercials. Oooh, Murder, She Wrote's back on afternoon TV! A whole new generation of old people can be bored out of their minds!

We are still at Cockula when we return. Gab wades out into the water, where three of the boys are frolicking in an entirely non-homoerotic manner. Or so they'd like you to think. Wayne confessionals that "the game has started", now that they've lost a challenge. Apparently, he thought the five days they've spent with no food until today were just part of the audition phase. Ben is out in a deeper patch of water (read: more than three metres away from the shore), alone. Wayne tells us while scratching his neck that even though Ben is strong and smart and helpful, the tribe has a pact to get rid of him because he's the new guy. Which reminds me: Have we ever actually seen Ben be included in anything the tribe has done, except tell them how to find food? Over with the main group, the Leech tries to enforce the pact they've made, because he totally wants to ogle Gab some more, but winds up wondering aloud whether "it's the morally right decision" to vote Ben out. For the love of criminy. This is SURVIVOR. Throw whatever morals you're pretending to have at the door, so we can move on with the fun bit of the game. Morals ruined Australian Survivor. I do NOT want them ruining another season. Gah. Wayne tells everyone that they all come into the game with different skills. These include such things as Ben's survival expertise, ManNan's brawn, Gab's flirtatiousness, Oldfart's and the Leech's shared ability to be a grandstanding fool, Wayne's... Wayne's... huh. I can't think of a single skill Wayne has that would help them in this situation, or that we've seen. It sounds as though Wayne wants to back out of the pact, and I'd totally be with him on that if he wasn't so damn annoying. Still, if it's going to keep Ben around for another episode, then I'm all for it, even if it keeps Wayne around. I'd really much rather get rid of the Leech anyway.

Wayne is now trying to see if the Leech is okay with getting rid of Gab, and he's very non-committal about it. Wayne points out that those two are pretty much "the only considerations" that make sense, even though Wayne has done absolutely nothing of any value in the past five days and, as any Survivor fan knows, the first people to get booted are usually the old people -- which would mean either he or Oldfart would be the likely candidates. So, probably, the only people who should really feel safe tonight, if indeed there is anyone who should, are ManNan and the Leech. They sort of work out that they're going to keep Gab around mainly for the eye-candy. I think. Then the Leech does the whole butt-spank-y thing that all professional athletes do at some point. Because that's not gay at all. The Leech confessionals that booting Ben will "weaken [the] team", while struggling to come up with the right words to say that it'd be worth voting out Gab just to keep the tribe "at its strongest". See, "she's probably can't do the most amount of work around the place". Because SHE'S A GIRL. She uses a "BASKET BLONG TITI", therefore she is useless. Fuck off, Leech. You've just made The List.

The music cuts out entirely. While Ben is cooking, ManNan comes up to the shelter, where Gab is, and she asks him if "everyone" is voting for Ben. Right on cue, Ben walks past all shirtless and delicious and muscular and I'll be in my bunk. ManNan shakes his head to signal that Ben probably isn't going to get all the votes -- which'll be true, because Ben's not Lucindork or the Peroxidevil -- unless "someone is lying" to him. The impression I get from this whole thing is that, even though they have both realised there's a clear misogynistic thing going on here, neither he nor Gab seem to think he's a part of it, at least not to the extent that the Leech and Wayne are. I think I like him. He's certainly in the top half of this tribe, as far as likability goes. Gab presses ManNan, wanting to know whether he thinks Ben is more necessary in this game than she is, and... asking if you're really, truly more important than someone isn't exactly the smartest way to win this game, Gab. It's just lucky she's asking this question to a guy whose picture would be next to "meathead" in the dictionary, if dictionaries actually had pictures. (I would like to see what picture they would come up with for "dignity". I bet it wouldn't be any of these people.) Gab confessionals that she's getting paranoid because the boys' club is so tight-lipped about what they're going to be doing.

Very pretty, very slow sunset, and we are on our way into Tribal Council. Fires burn all around the place, as we cut rather unfortunately from a skull looking like it's being burned to Gab looking like she's being burned. The tribe finally sits down, after about eight or nine seconds more of this pointless filler time, again with their lit torches and without the stupid ritual. Thanks, show! Dicko welcomes them, and gets straight into Question Time. Wayne, is Survivor harder than you and your boob-admiring brain thought it would be? Wayne argues that, basically, they were so arrogant going into the challenge that they didn't think they were going to lose, and were running around like headless chooks trying to figure out who to get rid of, because they'd all gotten so close. Dicko interrupts to get a jab in at his non-answer, pointing out that the question was about whether the survival aspect of Survivor was hard, not the politics. Gab, is Cockula "a boys' club", or are they giving her all the stuff that the whole Women's Liberation Movement earned her entire gender. Gab very wisely lies and says she's feeling perfectly welcome and equal as part of Cockula, and even proclaims herself to be "a boy". So, she's gone to the same gender-tester as Caster Semenya, then. Dicko asks the Leech who "the leader" is. The Leech thinks that since everyone is in charge of a different aspect of camp life, such as Gab's "making toothbrushes" (important, manly role, that), there is no clear leader, and that nobody is talking over each other trying to assert their point. The implied "except for me, because I am the Supreme And Benevolent Overlord of Cockula, and what I say goes" is omitted. Oldfart, does everyone else avoiding the question make you proud to be a politician? Oldfart claims to have "passed on what little knowledge [he has] of numbers and politics and democracy", and it really must have been little to have worked with Pauline for all those years. Dicko asks him to "shatter a preconceived idea about politicians", by answering the question "Who is the weakest link?" with a simple answer. He can not and does not, causing Dicko to raise his arms in the air in mock surprise.

It's time to vote. Oldfart is first to "exercise [his] democratic right". A skull is almost burned to a crisp. Oldfart begins writing a name down, and we cut to a pensive-looking Gab. The Leech is next, and for some reason, Dicko feels the need to call everyone out individually to vote. The Leech votes. ManNan votes. Ben votes. Gab votes, pulling her short shorts down low enough to actually make a decent attempt at covering her arse, because Wayne had been surreptitiously trying to pull them up during Question Time. Gab votes for Ben, solely because he is the newest member of the tribe. Logical reasoning. Get rid of the strongest player on the tribe and make yourselves even more likely to come back here, all because he hasn't been on the tribe since the moment they left the Yacht Of You're Screwed. Ben looks sad. Wayne votes.

Dicko goes to "count the votes". Or, as is more likely to be the case, "rearrange the votes for maximum dramatic impact". Gab and Ben are both stony-faced.

Commercials. I find it ironic that pretty much the only commercials they have after midnight are those for phone sex lines and those for erectile dysfunction treatments.

There are so many skulls in this Tribal Council, it's ridiculous. Dicko returns with the votes, and reminds Cockula that their decision is final, just in case someone thought they could veto their own boot with "Wait! That was a practice!" He begins reading the votes. Benny. Wayne. Ben. Big Ben. Ben. And so Ben is gone, but at least he got to vote for someone who deserved it while he was still here. And after all that, Gab didn't get a single vote! Ben and his giant eyebrows are somewhat surprised to get voted off, but he manages to show enough restraint to not throttle the tribe for their stupidity. With the same Pan Pipe Tiki Orgasm music from last week playing, he is snuffed. Damn. Dicko feels the need to point out that Mofo have a clear leader (which: WHO?!), and that "the good times may be coming to an end", before sending them off.

Next week: Amber tells Hornebags that she's a social disgrace, earning her Immunity from ever appearing on The List. Hornebags wipes her nose with the palm of her hand in response. Amber tells someone to "shut it down, or there will be trouble". Possibly whoever designed Windows Vista. Hornebags bathes naked in a stagnant puddle, and later dons war paint to celebrate being "clean". Dicko claims that switching the tribes up will be "the biggest shock yet". Wayne once again claims another false start. ManNan also baths in what appears to be a similar stagnant puddle, but remembers to keep his board shorts on. Shame. Amber does not like something. Oh, and someone gets voted out.

Ben enjoyed working with Cockula and passing on his knowledge and skills. Well, that's nice. He could not possibly sound more bored or stilted while providing his interview if he was an actual sock puppet. His charity is non-existent. Is it possible he was playing for himself, rather than for a charity? If so, I hope he enjoys his money. (What? I can totally be a nice person. Really. WHY ARE YOU GIVING ME THAT LOOK?)

2x01: The Premiere And Marooning

2009-10-12T00:59:00.001-07:00

In which we learn that the word "Celebrity" has officially lost all meaning.

====================

I assume at least someone is reading this as their first experience into my little recapping hobby, so I'll explain something ahead of time: I kinda have a history of people I mock (and or reference) in these recaps dying in unfortunate circumstances. And, yeah, of course I'm interested in using this power or whatever it is for the greater good. So, Kyle Sandilands, it might be time to lay off the Coke a little. I hear it can cause heart attacks in high amounts.

Previously on Like Survivor, But Australian (Or, "Channel Nine Did Not Learn Its Lesson, So Here Comes The Apprentice Australia"): Well, a whole season, technically, but on another network and several years before this. That season, in short? Irish jig theme, Mother Nature, Imaginary love, bad Telstra, Joel's unseen big one, Katie and Sciona's sadly less-unseen arses, Moby Dick, a teddy bear, a whole bunch of death threats, and one that came true. Oh, and kangaroos.

We open on a burst of lava, which I take it is supposed to represent volcanoes or something. Is it to early to hope that, sight unseen, at least one of the contestants accidentally falls into the crater? And does my saying that mean it's suddenly going to happen for real? Sorry in advance to the family of the future victim, whoever you may be. (Unless it's one of the many people on this show I don't like, in which case this apology is entirely hollow.) The music here sounds much more epic and ominous than it was at the same point last time, which is to say: it sounds slightly epic and ominous. Last time, you may remember, it sounded like we were going to an Irish circus.

Cutting through the smoke to a helicopter shot of the volcano, we suddenly zoom in to see one Ian "Dicko" Dickson standing on the edge. Don't do it, Dicko! You have so much to live for! Like... well, not working with Marcia and Ricki-Lee, but... I'll get back to you when I do find a reason. Dicko tells us that he's "standing on the rim of Mount Yasur", which has apparently changed its pronunciation to 'Yasoor' after Jeff Probst and the contestants on that other Survivor show kept calling it 'Yasser' for an entire season. The rotting corpse of Arafat is also pleased. Dicko mentions the frequent eruptions, but for some reason chooses to simplify the concept of "lava" into "hot, molten rock". Is it really that hard to understand what lava is? According to Dicko, "the locals believe this to be the final resting place for spirits of the dead". This is accompanied by shots of locals (and I'm so glad he didn't call them "natives", because my Lord, how annoying that is) who are all very much alive. He says that Vanuatu "is a nation with a living history of tribalism, sorcery, and voodoo". I would think it'd be difficult to find any current nation without a living history, but what do I know? I'm only the recapper. And it's not like we're going to see any of the sorcery and voodoo, because we're too busy admiring the stock footage of how amazingly beautiful Vanuatu is. And it really is, at least by these shots, which makes me wonder why we never saw any of this scenery the last time Survivor was here. Oh, right. Voodoo! Sorcery! CANNIBALS!

Of course, our fun has to be ruined sooner or later, and Dicko takes the time to tell us that "twelve Australian celebrities are about to be marooned". Really? These are celebrities? Even by the admittedly-low Australian standards, this is a crappy assortment of people. As you'll see when Dicko introduces us to them:

"Amongst the girls", all standing around on a boat, we have cover girl and serial celebreality pest Imogen Bailey, accompanied by shots of a couple of her men's mag covers; professional dancer and amateur quitter (spoiler!) Kym Johnson, shown with a shot of her and Tom Williams in THAT Dancing With The Stars routine, reminding us that as bad as Dicko is going to be as host, it could always be worse; white witch and apparent sometime Playboy model Fiona Horne, who I'm sure is about to get a letter of thank you from all the other races for not calling herself a black witch or a Hispanic witch or an Asian witch or an Islander witch or any combination thereof; "royal bridesmaid" Amber Petty, complete with giant shot of Crown Princess Mary of Denmark, who is totally wondering when Amber is going to quit mooching off her fame; and Nicolle "Quit Calling Me Rob" Dickson, who you may or may not remember from Home and Away, but whom I certainly don't, because I was only two years old when her character died, and she's done practically nothing since. I suppose watching Home and Away at any point might also have helped me recognise her, at least a little.

And yes, that is two Dicksons. Last time around, one was more than enough, thank you. Please eliminate at least one of them. (Though, unlike last time, not from life. Yet.)

"Among the guys", also on the boat, are Ironman champion Guy Leech (and what an appropriate surname); token champion-in-an-obscure-sport motorcyclist Wayne Gardner; One Nation Party co-founder David Oldfield, who is presumably also happy Fiona self-identifies as a white witch; and former Wallabies vice-captain Elton Flatley. What, was the real captain too busy gang-banging some Kiwi chick to show up? (Wait, that's the wrong rugby code, isn't it? Sorry. It's what you get when you live in Melbourne.) In any case, Elton reminds me of my Nan, which is weird, given she's 1) in her eighties, and 2) dead.

Didn't he say twelve celebrities? That's only nine. Well, less, really, but let's go with their definition of "celebrity", because this is going to be a long season and I really don't need another nervous breakdown right now.

Dicko says they all get to give $5000 to a charity of their choice, but the winner get a hundred grand to donate. So, you know, try and win. He adds that "none of them realise how tough it will be", which I'm sure is the case if the rumours about them being told this was a celebrity version of The Mole are to be believed. Turns out there really aren't going to be tents and food. Yet. In any case, we get the stock-standard Probstian "they must learn to adapt" spiel, except in a British accent. It's totally what Jeff Probst does on his days off, anyway. Also? "25 days, 12 celebrities, 1 Survivor".

Credits! Still claiming there are 12 celebrities, but there are only 11 people listed. Hey, is this like The Mole, where the person they forget to introduce is the one to watch out for? By the way, we're missing a Justin and a Gabrielle, neither of whom I actually recognise from their pictures. Not that that should surprise me at this point. (Incidentally, can I put in a request for more shirtless Elton and no shirtless Wayne? Kthx.)

Trees give way to water, and we fly over both to get back to the Yacht Of You're Screwed. As the crew goes about menial stuff like lowering the sail, a bunch of locals head out to the boat in outrigger canoes, much like the last time Survivor was in this country. It may even be the same people, but damned if I'm expected to be observant enough to check. Imogen and Wayne look nervous as the armada approaches. It certainly looks epic, much more so than, say, the "renovated" school bus they used on Australian Survivor. Dicko raises his oar in the air and pretends to know what he's doing here. Imogen looks excited, but is surely wondering where the hell Tom Williams is, what with this being a Seven show and all. At least he's not Kochie. (Die, Kochie, die!) Dicko paddles. The sublebrities clap as fakely as the audience at the Australian Survivor finale. Wayne or someone lowers a ladder for Dicko to climb up when he arrives. Luckily, Dicko isn't a Somali pirate in disguise. As far as I can tell.

At half past a cameraman's shadow, Dicko welcomes everyone to Vanuatu, and to Survivor. A music sting sounds to signify that this should be some sort of surprise to the stars (alliteration, whee!), but we don't get to see any of their reactions. Probably because they gathered it wasn't Celebrity Mole when Chesty McSmarmington didn't show up, and thus were deliriously overjoyed. Not because they weren't on The Mole, because that show totally rocks, so much so that I'm already recapping it; but because they didn't have to put up with Chesty. Dicko tells the sublebs that he's "not going to lie to" them, then lies and says "the next few weeks are going to be really tough". I suspect that for many of these people, the only way this will be tough is that they'll be missing from all envelope-opening ceremonies and thus relegated to their pre-fame levels of recognition. Which, ironically enough, are unchanged from their current fame levels. Dicko informs the players they're going to be thrown from the boat, because when Survivor is on a boat it turns into Pirate Master, and nobody wants to relive that fiasco, then feels the need to point out that they won't actually be physically thrown from it. Shame, really. Although it's probably good news for whoever was supposed to be throwing Wayne. They'll only be getting the clothes they're wearing, one other outfit, and a rain jacket. No food, no water, no cooking equipment, not even a machete. Nice. Of course, you know and I know that they'll be showered with lavish rewards throughout the game, so it's not as much of a big deal as they're probably expecting us to think.

In addition to the clothing, they will get to keep their one luxury item with them (again, a nice change from the recent US versions). Pointing out that the choice of luxury items is going to be revealing about their personality and their understanding of the game, Dicko asks Amber what she's decided to bring. Apparently, mascara is helpful in a situation like this. Sigh. Elton is taking a football. Hee, he's totally the Naomi! Of course, Dicko thinks this is a wonderful idea. Good to know he's got Probst's overt sexism downpat. Figures. The Windchimes of Whimsy and Wonderment tinkle in the background as Fiona tells us she decided to bring Tarot cards. I suppose she figures she can use them as kindling. Unfortunately for her, they can use the ensuing fire to burn her at the stake if they want. Hint hint. She appears to be thinking like a blonde in this situation, pointing out the usefulness of the cards to help read fortunes. My Lord, she has no idea about this, does she?

It's time to split the nine players into two tribes somehow, so Dicko has the bright idea to divide them by gender. Imogen gasps in surprise that they'll be using the same twist the US version did when it was here. I'd consider it more surprising if an Aussie reality show didn't steal a twist from its American version at this point.

When Oldfield refuses to cross the floor, he and Dicko both point out that we're probably going to find out that he's a tad girly. Upon hearing this news, the women giggle like the gossipy schoolgirls they undoubtedly have been at some point. Dicko hands the men their bag and tells them their name is Kakula, then gives the girls theirs and calls them Mofo's. Oh, sorry, "Moso". Inside the bags are the personal belongings, and their buffs, which Dicko is calling bandanas for some reason. Both tribes get given a map to their camp, which will apparently also lead them to fresh drinking water. So much for the survival concept.

As everyone fucks off, Dicko demands an end to "the lovefest". Oh, thank God. One overly happy Australian Survivor was enough. Now, I'm out for blood. I don't even care whose. And to show this, I'm going to be dividing my hatred between Kochie and Tom Williams throughout this season. This way, we can try to get at least one of them off of Australian television sometime soon. (Special consideration granted to Richard Wilkins, not that he'll know whether he's dead or alive.)

Everybody gingerly gets into the outrigger canoes, which will take them to the mainland. I'm sure it's supposed to be interesting television, otherwise it presumably wouldn't have made the final cut, but it's really not. Featured on the row: Nicolle looking delirious. It's only Day 1! How's she going to handle the starvation and the hunger and the bugbites and the sleep dep-- oh, right, this is a Celebrity edition. Never mind.

Wow, they must really be yelling loudly to be heard over the music.

Imogen provides our first confessional of the season, saying she's got practically no experience with the survivalist aspects of the show, but that she felt perfectly safe on the water with the locals. Or possibly because she was safe from running into Kochie for a few weeks. Incidentally, something you may not have known about this show is a little unwritten rule about the first confessional-provider being one of the stars of the season. Even if it's not the biggest personality (Sandra was chosen in Pearl Islands, amidst such egos as Rupert, Lill, The Douche Formerly Known As Jon, and Burton), it's usually -- not always, Thailand's first confessional was from the first booted player -- one of the people you can tell is going to make a huge impact on the game. Nice to see that that's going to continue. (And, also, it's at about the same time in the show as the US version's first confessional, compared to having to wait for half of the damn premiere for the Australian Survivor one. Bonus points!)

Luckily, the editors wisen up quickly and realise that Rowing Is Boring, so we cut straight to the Mofo tribe arriving at their beach, which I do believe is the same beach the women's tribe used in the US version. Hooray for consistency! Kym instantly confessionals that she loved how pretty it was when the big nasty warriors came out and took them to their camp. Back in the real world, she complains that her shoes are wet already. Well, yes, when you row to the shore and jump out into the shallow water, they will be, dear. She condescendingly waves goodbye to the local rafter guy, who I'm sure appreciates being talked down to like a three-year-old. Shut up, Kym. In the same confessional, she tells us that, basically, she wasn't expecting the locals to leave, and was expecting a pre-fabricated condo of some sort on the beach. But there wasn't anything. Oh, no! Won't somebody please think of the stars?!

Even Nicolle, walking along the beach, notices the complete lack of "basic camping equipment". What sort of low-budget celebrity reality show is this, anyway? Turns out she's already seeing things that aren't even there, like my desire to see Kyle Sandilands remain alive. Oh, she's going to be a fun person to recap, I can feel it now. (And you better believe I'm using my powers for evil, says the cackling recapper.) Nicolle also confessionals about how she loves all the beauty of the area, but that she doesn't love it enough to want to camp out in all that beauty, because once you take a second look, it's all mosquito-y and in need of a serious facelift. (I believe that was Kym's reason for dumping Tom Williams.)

Speak of the Peroxidevil, she's busy whining to Amber about how she thought they'd get tents and bottled water. Amber more-than-slightly-sarcastically points out how stupid the Peroxidevil is for thinking that, and I love her already. Is it too late to declare Amber the winner and ignore the rest of the season ever happening? It is? Damn it. I blame Kochie. The Peroxidevil confessionals that her "first impressions are not good". She's right, but I have a feeling she might be meaning that statement in a different way than I'm interpreting it. Like I care. Apparently, she's "not an outdoorsy girl, and this is extreme, extreme outdoors", and has also never gone camping. One wonders why she thought tents would somehow shift this away from "extreme, extreme outdoors". Lord knows I hate the outdoors too, but come on. Even I know tents don't count. Amber snarks some more on the Peroxidevil's lack-of-materials complaint. And, like, we knew the Peroxidevil was never going to build a marquee anyway. In yet another confessional, the she whines some more about how the tribe is going to have to pull together to get anything done. In case, you know, you thought teamwork was a completely foreign element in this game, like she must've. Shut up some more, Peroxidevil. She also thinks every beach in the world has to have a lot of sand. Sigh.

We fly from the Mofos to the Second Annual Cockula Beach Sausagefest, where a bunch of stragglers nobody invited are gatecrashing. At least last time, there were actually some decent looking guys. (Yes, I know this wasn't actually a year after they used the beach for the other men's tribe. Don't care, either.) As the Leech begins telling people in a slightly-muffled voice that they need to build their camp on higher ground, that oldfart Oldfield confessionals that his first thought was on getting something soft to sleep on. He might bust a hip otherwise, you see. Meanwhile, Wayne, ManNan, and the Leech banter about whether they can build a shelter off the ground, with all the coherence and bravado you'd expect from three former sportsmen. Incidentally, you may not that Wayne's wrist goes more than a little limp throughout this scene. Eek, he's already adapting to the lack of boobies! (For the record, and I don't think there's actually a way I can show how strongly I mean this without base jumping from the Eureka Tower and spray painting it on the windows on my way down, WE DON'T WANT HIM ON OUR TEAM. But will that fit?) Oh, and the Leech just can't stop rubbing his nipples. Someone get that freak a shirt. Wayne, slow on the uptake, is the last person alive to realise that they've got no way to tie anything together. He confessionals that they "certainly are marooned on the island". God, I haven't heard anyone use "marooned" in a sentence since the very first season of this show. Heh. In other news, they have no equipment, no supplies, and "no nothing" to help them. What is he talking about? They've got plenty of nothing! They could start looking in his skull for some of it.

Later, Oldfart swings from a tree. Yeah, you'll get to live out your Tarzan fantasies in due course. For now, though, just sit down, shut up, and grab on. Oh, wait, he did. Aside from the "sit down" and "shut up" parts. He, ManNan, and the Leech banter a little bit about shelter and water or some other dull survival crap, before walking off to go look for better dull survival crap to talk about. Or possibly the magical mystical monks who will bring forth the incredible eternal buffet. Oldfart confessionals that the island is paradise in theory, but it's very primitive in reality. Sort of like the internal structure of One Nation. (Ba-doom tish!)

A crab scuttles into a rocky wall. I think I want the crab to win.

Back over at Mofo, home of the blue buff brigade, Amber says she'll go and get the water, in case, you know, Chesty shows up to try and reunite with the Peroxidevil. She wants to avoid the awkwardness. Or perhaps she actually wants to go and get water. It's sort of hard to tell. In any case, she already hates Hornebags (Fiona, people! Keep up!) enough to ditch her and choose to take the map for herself, even if it means she'll be the only one getting water. It's probably a good move, because Hornebags seems like the kind of dumb blonde who would stop every eight seconds to ask twigs for directions. I can't believe I'm saying this less than ten minutes in, but: One point for the chick who brought mascara with her. Of course, as Hornebags hands it over, she claims to be bad with directions. Aaaand she's back to even. Nicolle offers to go with her. Nicole hates Chesty too. In a standing confessional, Amber says she's surprised that all the women got stuck together, because she was expecting men to help out with shelter and fire. Insert your own joke about the men being more skilled with wood.

Amber and Nicolle wander and wonder how they'll get fire. They both realise that they probably won't be eating dinner tonight. As Nicolle climbs up an embankment that looks about as tall as she is, she confessionals that she didn't think it would be this hard. And the wood jokes just keep on coming. Approaching what could best be described as an oversized puddle, one of them asks whether this is their water supply. I don't know, but if it isn't and they think it is, then they deserve whatever internal parasites they get from this. Even the Rattlesnake Noise Of Stupidity agrees with me on this. Amber realises that this probably is the water, reinforcing the fact that they'll need to boil it before they can drink it. Which, of course, means they could have just used the damn seawater at their beach and avoided the climb. Amber takes the time to snark about looking for Mount Franklin, and Nicolle points out that she actually was looking for it. Sigh. As they finish filling up the canteens, Nicolle exclaims that she was "visualising... you know, a tap". Because you know what things an uninhabited island in the South Pacific is bound to have? A named mountain sharing it's title with an Australian bottled water company, and a tap.

Almost as if on cue, heavy drumbeats take us to another outrigger canoe, which we soon discover is arriving at Mofo. Oh, good. Someone from Mount Franklin is here to scout the island for new sources of crappy-tasting water. Hornebags and the Peroxidevil are too busy getting flicked in the face by trees to notice, so Nicolle has to run in and see it for them. She confessionals that she was shocked someone was coming towards them. Quick, hide the Peroxidevil, Chesty's found her! And hide me, while you're at it! The Peroxidevil confessionals that they were looking at the boat but couldn't make out what it was, and yet somehow knew someone was coming to visit them. Hopefully this new person brings some sort of actual brainpower to this tribe, which is currently sorely lacking in it. As Amber and the Peroxidevil continue trying to figure out the obvious, we jump cut from a shot of them standing together to one of the Peroxidevil standing well in front of Amber and walking up to the boat as she realises who it is. Oh, great, it is Chesty. Man the bazookas!

Commercials. Musical Rhetorical Question Of The Week: If my baby smiles at me and I go to Rio, who pays for the return flight?

We return with a helicopter flight over the island, proving nothing other than that this season is taking place on an invisible lake in the middle of the jungle. Or perhaps this one finally is Underwater Survivor. The boat is still rowing, and time has somehow gotten itself stuck in one of those annoying post-commercial loops again, as usual for no reason. The Peroxidevil finally realises that it's not Chesty (one point) or Kochie (another point), but that it's Justin Melvey (minus four hundred and sixteen thousand, three hundred and seventy-eight points, but who’s counting?). In a confessional, we learn from Amber (because she's the logical person to explain this to us) that the Peroxidevil knew Justin from when he stank up Dancing With The Stars with her as his dance partner. I gotta be honest, as an entertainment reporter, she makes a damn good bridesmaid. Still, at least she's less annoying than Richard Reid and Nelson Aspen and those twits from X17 and Hollyscoop who keep stinking up morning television. Oh, and those twits from Channel Seven too. You know the ones I mean. They include Kochie.

Before we move on, if they had to go with someone else from that first Dancing With The Stars season, why not Matt Shirvington? He was still under contract with the network, if I recall correctly, he isn't a fuckerbitching arsehole, and would fill out a Speedo nicely for all the water challenges we'll no doubt be getting. (To quote from Firefly, I'll be in my bunk.) Wasted opportunities. Sigh.

Justin and the Peroxidevil hug with all the enthusiasm of meeting your long-lost Great Aunt Mabel at a family reunion. The Peroxidevil tells us that even though all the girls were capable and having a great time without the presence of The Cock, except it was a little overwhelming. Surprisingly, she does not add, "Until they sent in one of the biggest dicks in the country, and we realised how much better we really had it without him. Oh, and ladies? I'm not talking about what's in his budgie smugglers" with a matching waggle of her pinkie finger.

Eventually realising that, hey, there are other people here, Justin begins to walk over to Amber, who marches down to him and introduces herself. Probably a wise move, because now Justin can write her name down on the vote, as opposed to having to scribble "that blonde girl who isn't [the Peroxidevil]. No, the other one. No, the other other one." every time. Justin, bogan pride evident, confessionals that he felt like one of the guys, except that there weren't any actual guys. Oh for the love of criminy, just say you felt like an outsider, and quit hogging the camera. Nicolle asks if he's here to help them, and Justin helpfully points out in case she stopped watching Home and Away after she died that he's an actual celebrity who is also playing the game. And I use the term "celebrity" loosely. Imogen confessionals that there were mixed feelings about Justin turning up, because the women already swore they'd vote off a guy if they got one. Why are these feelings so mixed? Justin can't possibly be that popular, unless he's already started bribing people to keep him in the game.

Cockula. The sausagefest is about to get a couple of buns. The Leech confessionals that he saw the boat first. What is this, kindergarten? It doesn't matter who saw it first, all that matters is that whoever is on it is going to spice up this crappy tribe! Right now, the only person I'm even close to liking over here is Elton, and that's because he hasn't really done anything to offend. Or, you know, anything in general. As the canoe rows closer, a nasal British voice calls out that she comes bearing tits. Oh, sorry, gifts. It's the accent that confused me. Not that she doesn't have a giant pair, but... you know. Wayne confessionals that he could see the boat, but not who was on it. He'd go down great at the women's tribe, assuming he could avoid groping them. (In related news, Hitler is busy celebrating his Nobel Peace Prize win.) Turns out it's Gabrielle Richens, another bikini model, who doesn’t get promo shots like the other women. As Oldfart asks whether the already-darkly-tanned-and-therefore-not-worthy-of-staying-in-our-country-let-alone-on-this-pathetic-tribe Gab whether she's part of their tribe, she snarks that having a group of ex-professional-athletes competing against a bunch of blonde bimbos who are probably still looking for Mount Franklin isn't exactly a fair match-up. No shit, Sherlock. Oldfart points out in a helpfully subtitled comment -- it even has his name, so all the militant feminists know who to pester -- that Gab's slightly... how shall we say, "more developed" than most women. On that note, have I mentioned Gab's funbags yet? I really should. Gab, honey, if I'm a gay guy and your ginormous tits distract me, it might be time to get a slight reduction.

In a confessional, Gab tells us that she thought all the guys hated the fact that they were stuck with her, because she seems like the sort of person who isn't going to be much good at anything, except perhaps a challenge involving breasts (and even then, Wayne's already here to win it for the tribe). Her job is listed as "The Pleasure Machine", which almost makes me want to know where you stick the batteries.

Oldfart graciously welcomes her "to our island", with as much enthusiasm as the Peroxidevil had for Justin just minutes ago. Wayne, ever the gentleman, calls it "Boy Power" which... really isn't a great name for anything, much less an island. Elton is busily trying to think of something else to stare at, beside the boobs. Wayne confessionals that he thought Gab was a "ditzy, y'know, sort of model-looking chick" and that she'd be completely useless. For those of you playing along, that's one point off for misogyny, one for sexist stereotyping, and three for looking like a scoutmaster.

Gab, already in her patented Snarky Seductress mode, asks how the men are going, and seems almost disappointed when they tell her they're doing fine. Heh. Oldfart confessionals that he was hoping that she'd have "lots of food and implements for us". And by "us", he quite clearly means "him". See, I know the political lingo! (Someone suggested to me the other day that I join the Australian Democrats, because I'm apparently great at putting over-inflated egos back in their hidey-hole. Yeah, that'll work. I'll probably wind up leading them in six months, the way they're going.) But at least Gab brought flint, so they can eventually make a fire. Nice to see these guys were prepared enough for this show that they seem to know how to make a fire without matches. As opposed to, like, certain American contestants on a season airing at the same time as this and couldn't even get the damn matches working. But I'm not going to name names, Becky and Sundra, so relax.

Mofo, home of time-lapse clouds. Justin suddenly realises that he's going to have to be Fire Guy, and the Peroxidevil -- with a tiny edge in her already-whiny voice -- says he "better do that quick smart". Justin begins laughing and mockingly salutes her, asking if this is a rumba. Well, she is short enough to have a Napoleon complex, but, no, I think he clear lack of anything even approaching a dance floor shows that it's more likely you'll see an actual trotting fox than a foxtrot. The Peroxidevil confessionals that poor widdle Justin is the only guy and everyone else wanted fire and blah blah fish fingers blah.

Amber confessionals that the flint came to camp with something very primitive-looking, by which I assume she means Justin. No, wait, scratch that, reverse it. Justin brought the flint with him. Well, that's not nearly as fun. She tells us that "obviously", he was "in charge of the fire". Can I ask why? Or is this a "he's a man, therefore he does manly things like hunt and gather and build" thing? Because I'm a man, and I do less-manly things like snark and give guys head and visit tea shops with friends (not the same friends, obviously, because the tea shop would never let either of us back in), and I am offended by that. Justin confessionals that he felt like crap, because the girls had gotten so much work done, and he had nothing to show for his presence. I'm pretty sure this is intended as a metaphor for his acting career somehow, and it's even more depressing considering how not-famous most of these women are.

Justin and Imogen almost manage to make something approaching fire, but Justin isn't even competent at that. The Peroxidevil laughs. She confessionals that apparently he "was getting really panicky", and that sparks almost look like fire. Good to know. There's a whole bunch of footage in here with him failing to do anything of value. He's still going well after sunset, and the Peroxidevil finally realises that he couldn't do it. Fat lot of good he is.

Cockula, Night 1. Their fire is burning so brightly it's strobing the night-vision camera (eat it, Melvey!), and it's apparently Wayne's effort that did this. Damn it. I have to give him a point now, don't I? Gab voices over that the first night was fun because they kept laughing. (It was less fun for Wayne, who was not lying next to Gab.) Gab asks the men if they're all married, which they are. Right about here, a third of Australia's women organise spontaneous Tupperware parties to celebrate, a third feel sorry for their respective wives, and a third don't give a shit. Oldfart answers Gab's question about their wives' opinions with a simple "well, they didn't expect you!"-style answer, and she laughs. ManNan claims they would have loved the all-boys setup. Until everyone got bored and started a circle jerk.

Guy confessionals in bright daylight that he wasn't sure what anyone else's wife was going to say. That probably explains why he's not married to any of them. Gab confessionals about the same basic thing. Can we move on, please? Nobody really cares what Lisa Oldfield thinks. (As evidenced by the dismal failure of that ripoff of The View she co-hosted a couple of years back.) Wayne earns his second point in recorded human history by swiftly changing the subject to whether Mofo has fire.

Let's go check, shall we! They don't. Yawn. Until they do. Hornebags or someone does a fire dance, and the Peroxidevil confessionals that it was "such a relief" to get a fire. Other stuff happens, but recapping the "they make fire!!1!" scene annoyed me last season, and it's no better when it happens at night.

The next morning at Mofo, Imogen confessionals that she felt really "lightheaded" and "dizzy" after sleeping outside. Well, there's 24 days left for you to get used to it, Imogen. She blames it on not eating and... she's a model. A MODEL. If she wants us to believe she actually eats, how 'bout letting some D-grade paparazzi get a shot of it. I suggest the Herald Sun's people. They're suitably incompetent. She says, playing at least a little bit to the "women are useless" stereotype, that they need a spear so Justin can go fishing. Justin suggests giving the girls crabs. Oh, I'll bet he does. Hornebags does nothing and complains that she can't believe she's doing anything "without a double espresso". Hornebags is already pissing me off, and that's the first time in this entire episode she's even spoken. She provides us a helpful segue about a reward challenge.

Said segue takes us to Cockula, where Wayne and Guy wonder where the food is. Well, watching to see if people give themselves some sort of intestinal disease is part of the fun, isn't it? Guy confessionals that, mate, there aren't any coconuts, mate. Not in the forest, mate. None at all, mate. None, mate. Mate. Wayne points out a bushel of bananas with his machete, and they chop it down. Turns out it tastes "like shit". Wayne would know. And, boy, these guys are whiny babies. In the old days, they didn't even get bananas, and had to resort to clam lips and abalone and other stuff that tasted "like cut-up Dunlop tyres". (That line from Australian Survivor will never get old. Of course, now, neither will the guy who said it, but whatevs.)

Guy is suddenly with Oldfart and Gab as they check the tree mail, which this season is actually placed in a tree. We intercut with Mofo for the mail reading:

For this first challenge, it's a sure bet
You're gonna turn around and get wet
It'll help if your tribe's got several who are good with a knot
Now this isn't a fight to the death
But get ready to hold your breath

Wow, that's a sucky message. Even the ones last time were better than that thing. Nicolle confessionals that they want to win the first challenge, and that it might be food. We do not have enough time for everyone else's "we just wanted to limp home in second" confessionals.

Commercials. What happened to that chick who sang I Wish I Was A Punk Rocker, anyway? Was she attacked by zombies? I bet it was zombies. (The preceding was not a death prediction.)

We fly back from the commercial, over the challenge, which involves beaches and buoys. Or something. The two tribes march up to an exceptionally proud-of-himself Dicko. He asks Cockula whether Gab was as helpful as a spice rack, or just has a big rack attached to a useless body. Nice to see he also managed to mimic Probst's leering misogyny. Do I give him a point for that, or take one off? Nobody speaks up to begin with, which is surprising considering the loudmouthed buffoons present. And also answers the question. Who would have guessed three sportspeople and a politician could answer a question without a ranting speech or a cliche in sight?

Without a matching question regarding Justin's lack of worth for Mofo to answer, Dicko points out that this is a challenge. No! Really? It's a reward challenge, just in case you thought the editing was hinky and we were getting to the Immunity Challenge before the halfway mark of the episode. The teams must build what Dicko calls a "tribal tam-tam sculpture", but which does not match any definition of tam-tam I can find. It's really more of an anorexic totem pole, but without the Native American Indian stereotypes like feathers and casinos. Anyway, the pieces are floating out in the water, inside floating chests (none of which belong to Gab). One at a time, you swim out to the chests, dive down and untie the rope holding it in place, and drag the chest back to shore and onto your mat. When you've got all your chests, you can take the pieces out and assemble them to form your tam-tam. First tribe finished wins. Got it? Oh, and you're playing for a big red fish and the stock standard Survivor Fishing Experience they give out near the start of every season -- a mask, a spear, a fishing line, and a lobster pot. At least this time, there are no flippers. Justin still raises one eyebrow, pathetically reminding us once and for all that he's no Phil Keoghan, and that Phil wouldn't be caught dead being a Survivor contestant. Two points for Phil, two points off for Justin.

Everyone takes their place in their starting circle, and Dicko asks who's sitting out, as though it's not already obvious to everyone on the beach that Amber is.

Survivors ready? GO! Hornebags and the Leech are first into the water. Three guesses who gets to the chests first. They both appear to get the knot undone easily, though we don't see Hornebags attempt it, and bring it back to shore. Not surprisingly, the women watching Hornebags think towing a chest looks hard, while the Leech makes it look easier than Paris Hilton. Everyone else cheers supportively, but Justin's totally doing it for the camera, and you can tell pretty clearly that he doesn't mean what he's saying. And he calls himself an actor. Except, you know, he's probably pompous enough to pronounce it "ac-TORRE".

ManNan is next to swim for Cockula, running into the water like he's wet his pants. But at least he's in the water, so nobody will notice and recap it or anything.

Hornebags finally drags her chest ashore, and Nicolle takes off. Elton's already diving down, though, so she's got some ground to make up. Or whatever the water-based equivalent of that cliché is. She does seem to do much better than Hornebags did, so it's nice to see all that water around Summer Bay is helping her. Perhaps it's the fact that there aren't any boats nearby.

Of course, ManNan has to show off, picking his chest up and carrying out of the water with one hand. Pfft. I can do that, but I don't wanna. Wayne takes the swimming mask, as Dicko reminds us that Cockula is up 2 to 1 in this highly-unevenly-weighted challenge.

Nicolle brings hers back, and the Peroxidevil swims out. Wayne brings his back while she's diving down to untie their third chest, so Cockula is still up by one. Yawn. Gab swims out, and she'll be bringing two heavy chests back to the beach with her, only one of which contains puzzle pieces. Imogen is next for Mofo. While she's running, Hornebags and the Peroxidevil prove they're a match made in heaven (or a reasonable facsimile), both complaining about how exhausting the task is.

Imogen sucks at swimming, so much so that she takes the time to rest on her chest. (Rhyming, whee/twee! [Delete as appropriate.])

Gab gets back to shore without a problem, but seems to just collapse or something about half a metre away from where she's supposed to take the chest. She gets it across, and Oldfart runs away, because a woman proving their competence and independence is certainly something no uber-conservative politician can support.

Hornebags has to yell out at Imogen to dive down to find the knot. I like Imogen and all, but: MY GOD, has she ever SEEN this show?! Everybody knows to dive down. I know to dive down. The other contestants know to dive down. Even Sarah frickin' Palin probably knows to dive down.

Hey, look, Oldfart's already back! Just in time for the Earlybird Special! (He's expressed an interest in the runny eggs, provided it's possible to deport the yolk.) As they start solving, Dicko reminds us that they're ready to start solving. I don't know where I'd be without Dicko to explain these things to me sometimes! (Answer: Probably watching television that doesn't treat its viewers like goldfish.) Someone -- I think it's the Leech -- comes up with the bright idea to use the two conveniently puzzle-piece sized racks to place the puzzle pieces while they work the tam-tam totem out. Gee, thanks, Mister!

Eventually, Hornebags gets sick of waiting, and calls Imogen back in. Who voted for her to be team captain, anyway? When she gets back in, Justin heads out. On shore, Imogen attempts to explain herself while catching her breath. If what I can understand through her ragged breathing is right, there's two sets of knots, one holding the towrope to the chest, and one holding it to the anchor or whatever, and she was trying to undo the wrong one. As if to belabor the point, we get a nice shot of Justin undoing the bottom knot. Without the swimming goggles everyone else had, because they make him look like a twit on television.

Wayne has been placed in control of being in charge of taking over leading the Cockula puzzle-solving efforts. Yawn. Usually, the puzzle solving is the fun bit of these challenges to watch, but here it's just boring.

When Justin returns, he runs back out again to get the final chest for Mofo. Dicko helpfully reminds us that because Cockula can't erect a long thing made of wood, the challenge isn't over. Lincoln Howes wasn't spectacularly great hosting Australian Survivor, all things considered, but at least he wasn't as horrible as this. So one point for him, even though he's not here. Oh, and one point off, Dicko.

Okay, this challenge officially sucks beyond redemption, and I'm not even going to bother recapping the rest. Suffice to say, Cockula wins, and I have a new reason to hate Justin -- the nickname "Juzzy". Minus three points. Also, Dicko runs funny.

We join Mofo later on, still with the annoyingly sentimental You Lost The Challenge music playing. Imogen confessionals that she "was devastated" that they lost the challenge, because she feels responsible. Cheer up, Imogen! You've still got another 23 days worth of challenges you can fuck up! Imogen tries explaining to everyone else that the diving masks make her feel claustrophobic. Hornebags appears to agree, but immediately confessionals that she thinks Imogen is weak. Hornebags is a bitch, yeah, but she's completely right on this. I feel all weird, like the world is about to end.

Right on cue, there's lightning over Vanuatu. As Nicolle hands Justin some kindling or something for the fire, Imogen attempts to head undercover to get out of the rain. As she is wont to do, queen bitch Hornebags tells her to stay out, because she doesn't want the undercover bit to get wet. Perhaps they should have thought about that before, oh I don't know, standing in the rain. Just a suggestion. Once she's out of Hornebags's eyesight, Imogen gives a phony army salute, and all is right with the world again. Imogen confessionals that Hornebags is a skanky whore who needs to learn when to shut the fuck up. (I am paraphrasing.) She confirms that at some point, people might actually vote against Hornebags because she's so overbearing. Gasp! Voting? Against somebody? In Survivor? Never!

Out in the wet, wet woods, Hornebags goes for a walk with Amber, and uses the chance to plead her case for getting rid of "the weak players". I would like to know when exactly she came to the decision that she was not one of the weak players. Apparently Hornebags is already deciding whom she'll be voting for at the tribe's first tribal council. Clearly, it's Imogen she's talking about, so keep this in mind.

It's still thundering after sunset at Cockula. Shocking, I know. (GROAN.) The Leech and the subtitle guys tell us that the celebrities have "gone from the penthouse to the shithouse" in about five hours. Classy! And necessary! He continues his Patented Bitch Session, whining about how everyone on their tribe looks "like major losers". As you do, when you're trying to get these people to vote for you at the end of the game. Oldfart tries to scrounge up a modicum of dignity, pointing out that the night's going to be very, very long. Whether he's referring to the weather or the Leech's whining or Pauline turning up to strip is anyone's guess. The Leech confessionals that after three hours of complaining about the weather, he realised he wasn't God, so he decided to shut up. It took him three hours? I would have been, like, "And stop raining... NOW! [beat] Uh, that didn't work." Oldfart hypothesises that maybe Hornebags cast a spell to make it only rain on their island. The Leech wonders if Hornebags is really that good. Of course, given both tribes are on different parts of the same island this time, we can't even swing by Mofo to check. But that doesn't mean we're not going to.

We're not, of course, because that would give Hornebags some credit and we don't want that, but we are going there to see Amber bitch about what's going to kill them first -- the cold, the sleep deprivation, dehydration, or anger. I hope someone pointed out to her that you can't actually DIE from sleep deprivation, unless you happen to be driving a vehicle at the time. Amber confessionals that she's already sick of the game. She hasn't slept and hasn't eaten, but at least they have some green bananas to do something with. (Odds one of the women carried those bananas back to camp: Zero.) If the bananas don't feed everyone, Amber's already suggesting cannibalism. On Day Three. Even Rob took seven whole episodes to ask people whether he could eat their "big, meaty thighs". (Seventeen more points for dealing with that competently, Craig, even though I probably already gave you some.)

Imogen complains about the taste of one of the bananas, and the Peroxidevil pipes up to tell us that it's like potato. I'm sure the people on the island already figured that out, and the people at home don't care, so shut it already. Justin, Imogen, and the Peroxidevil complain some more, before the Peroxidevil confessionals that she'd gone hungry before in her life (being a world champion dancer apparently doesn't pay the bills, see), but she didn't think it'd be this tough. It occurs to me that we need a drinking game for every time someone says something ridiculous that shows they have no understanding of the game, on this or the American version. Sometimes, we wouldn't even make it out of Jeff Probst's "Previously on Survivor" voiceover. As Imogen and Hornebags try to stomach their potato-bananas, Imogen confessionals once again that Everything Is Her Fault, because she made them lose the challenge. She adds over more camp footage that if they lose this next challenge, then it'll be her fault again.

Challenge Pigpen. (Yes, really.) The tribes march in, while I do the No Treemail To Recap Happy Dance. This week, it's set to Moscow, by Genghis Khan. I'd even do the "throw your glasses at the wall" bit, if I could be bothered getting a poster of Kochie's face. Dicko wants to know how the tribes fared during the rain. He can watch the last few minutes of the episode to get the answers, because I'm not recapping them. Dicko informs us, as though we hadn't guessed, that this is the Immunity Challenge. And in news I'm sure the Peroxidevil is shocked to hear, they'll be competing for something called the Immunity Idol. It's... a vaguely head-shaped rock on a log, with bones or sticks or something hanging out of it. I think I prefer the Australian Survivor Immunity Bell. The winners of the challenge get the Immunity Thing, the losers go to Tribal Council. You may have gathered what the challenge is by watching this show before. Basically, you enter the pigpen one at a time, and retrieve a pig with its back spraypainted in your colour. Once you get it into your own smaller pen, the next person can go. The first tribe to five -- one for each person playing -- wins. And if it isn't enough of a giveaway that this challenge is a ripoff from the American version, they're even using the exact same fricking pigpen, right down to the same tree randomly sticking out of the middle of the pen.

As if the challenge wasn't horrible enough to the animals, now Dicko has to patronise how worthless the celebrities are. Okay, most of them deserved that. As a result of said previous night, and not at all as a way of evening up the numbers on the mismatched tribes, there's also a reward. Dicko directs everyone to look over at the previously invisible "Ben". We learn that this "Ben", who is now officially The Best Prize In The History Of Ever, And I Don't Even Care Whether He Can Actually Do Anything, is a former SAS soldier who just got back from Iraq. As the teatowel around his head and the machete show, Ben's a jungle survival expert. Hot and smart? We hit the jackpot, people! And he's going to be a full-time contestant, too, which makes it even better. Ben automatically scores a batrillion points.

Dicko reminds Mofo that because six is more than five, someone has to sit out. And because it can't be the same person twice in a row, Amber has to give the Danish media some fodder to mock her with. It looks like Hornebags orders Imogen to sit out, but she's not going to, because she wants to make up for fucking up the last challenge. But she doesn't want the animals to get hurt. Dicko tells us she's "well known for her thoughts on animal welfare", which surprises me, because I didn't think anyone on Mofo was particularly well-known for anything. Aside from Justin's being the Worst Actor In The Entire Badly-Acted History Of Days Of Our Lives. It turns out that the Peroxidevil is sitting out, which surprises me, because she'd be used to coaxing pigs into moving, what with Justin and Tom Williams and Jerry Springer and all.

There is something unnervingly hilarious about hearing the words "Tribes, into your pigpens", and I can't quite put my finger on it.

Did you know there are palm trees in the South Pacific? Apparently there are. Who'd'a thunk it? There are also pigs and celebrities, though those are a bit harder to differentiate. When said tribes get into said pigpens, Dicko gives us the first taste of what I'm sure will become a recurring joke throughout the season, which'll piss the producers off because it seems to be inteded entirely seriously. So: "Play hard, play fair, but play to win." For God's sakes, Dicko, I don't want them to play fair! That's what ruined the other Australian Survivor! Didn't you do your research?

Okay, here's the deal. I tried recapping this challenge. Really, I did. But it just kept devolving into the same basic joke. So let's just say "OMG SWINE FLOO!!1!LOLZ!!!1!1!" and move on, shall we?

Anyway, Cockula wins Immunity and The Best Reward Ever. Try to look surprised. It'll make up for how Mofo looks. Amber is crying. Literally. CRYING. Ben probably would be crying, too, if 1) he knew what Cockula was like, and 2) wasn't such a Big Strong Man. Dicko reminds us that Mofo are going to kick someone out at Tribal Council. Just in case you didn't know how Survivor works. And how was that rock you've been hiding under for the past decade, anyway?

After a montage of random badly framed shots, we return to Cockula Beach. Gabrielle gigglingly confessionals immediately upon arrival that they "won a boy" and that he "can actually save our lives". Gab, this isn't The Island from Lost, we don't need the histrionics.

Ben tells everyone around him that he's going to pass on all the survival skills he knows, as quickly as possible. And, of course, that means there isn't enough time to keep his shirt on. He's already my favourite person in this crappy cast. He confessionals that he thinks the tribe values him as a reward. Well, he is the catch of the day, I'll give him that. He does seem inordinately shy, though. I don't know whether to tell you that that's because he's just a quiet person (possible, and just makes him even cooler), or because he's awestruck by all the famous people (excuse me for a second while I choke on the preposterousness of this statement being true).

Ben grabs some random leaves from a random tree, and Wayne asks what it tastes like, as though it matters. Wayne, when you're on this show, if it's edible, you need to eat it. Regardless of whether it tastes like spinach (like this does, according to Ben) or "cut-up Dunlop tyres" (dead or not, mocking Rob Dickson's word choices throughout Australian Survivor will never get old, and Craig's "big, meaty thighs" agree with me on this.). Shut up, Wayne. He does not, and asks how it needs to be cooked. You know, if you'd have told me this was going to, Gab aside, be bulky athletes against girly girls (fine, Justin too), and that you'd get two tribe members exchanging recipes by the end of the first episode, I wouldn't have picked that they'd have been from the guy's tribe. Heh.

Wayne confessionals that he was surprised that he could eat most of the stuff he'd been walking over for the past few days. Crap. There goes part of the fun of this show. I want these people to be so starving by the end that they'd pay $500 just for a Dorito, dammit! And this just doesn't cut it, I'm afraid.

There's a pointless and utterly unsnarkworthy scene here involving Wayne returning to camp with an armful of leaves. Such wasted comic potential.

Mofo. As everyone marches back to camp, Nicolle exposits in a confessional that nobody actually wants to go to Tribal Council. Thanks for the heads-up!

Imogen is crying once AGAIN, this time in the water. Damn the Underwater Celebrity Survivors and their underwater onion farm. She confessionals that she wanted to win and didn't want to be weak enough for the other people on her tribe to vote her off, but that her work with P.E.T.A. made her want to protest... the idea that pigs are domesticated animals, I guess? It's not really the producers fault that the other D-listers were grabbing the pigs the wrong way in the heat of the moment.

Justin makes a fire, and of course Hornebags decides to speak up about getting rid of somebody, apparently not aware of the historical relationship between witches and bonfires. Does she need a reminder? ‘Cause I could probably get that sorted out if I have to. Their discussion of who to vote off is so unbelievably brief that it seems as though we're missing something pretty damn major. Hornebags confessionals that her entire strategy is basically the same one as Lance and the other alliance-deniers had during Australian Survivor -- get as many of the tribe's members through to the merge, and then let the best man win. Because it worked out so well for them.

On the beach, the Peroxidevil tells Amber says she doesn't want to vote for anyone else, because they're all "so passionate about being here". It might have helped to have thought about that before losing the challenge.

Commercials. I would have thought the Pope would have no reservations about calling someone named Mary a saint, but here we are. (Of course, let's be honest though, God isn't exactly the immortal being my thoughts are usually in tune with.)

It's now after dark. Mofo walks into the rocky and skull-adorned Tribal Council to the tune of some clicky drums and random moaning noises. Somehow, they already have both torches and fire, which at least means we will be spared the lame "fire is your life" ritual the Americans always have to endure. Dicko decides to head straight into question time, and I suddenly want to skip forward to the first time he has to deal with Oldfart. Anyway. Peroxidevil, did you think the outdoors was going to be cold at night and wet when it rains? "Never, ever in [her] wildest dreams". Some sheltered life she must have led up until this point. Hornebags, you've assumed the role of Token Yelling Bitch. Does it make you "vunnerable"? She says it will eventually, but she doesn't think it will tonight. She's told everyone to tell her to shut up when they think she's talking too much, because she will. The way she says it, it's unclear whether she means she'll shut up or whether she'll talk too much. Possibly neither. Imogen, you sucked at one challenge and everyone else sucked so bad at the other one that you didn't even get a chance to suck. Does that make you a target? Imogen thinks the tribe needs to win more challenges.

It's time to vote, even though we have half the tribe still left to answer questions. Amber is first, and votes for the Peroxidevil, eye-rolling back in the main area of Tribal Council, because she doesn't appear to want to be there. Justin votes. The Peroxidevil votes. Nicolle votes. Imogen votes. Hornebags votes. Kind of takes the suspense out of the vote-reading when they don't even have a second person being voted for, don't you think?

Anyway, Dicko goes to count the votes, and returns. Blah blah I'll read the votes blah blah decision is final blah blah leave the area immediately blah blah fiddle dee dee potatoes blah bling blee. All four votes we see are for the Peroxidevil. Even Dicko wasn't pretending to care the votes mattered. Well, bye, Peroxidevil. She smiles at the news, and this awesome bit of music begins playing. How awesome? Well, it's caught somewhere in the middleground between guttural moaning and an uptempo pan-pipes medley. The moaning is sort of cool sounding, though.

As Dicko snuffs the Peroxidevil's torch, we learn that the snuffer is... I have no idea what it is. It looks like what you'd get if you drew the space coyote from that episode of The Simpsons, put a crown on it, and told the props guys to build a snuffer from the picture. The tribe does their best to look sad as the Peroxidevil walks off towards the hotel. When she's gone, Dicko tells the remainder of Mofo that they're now down a person (remember, Cockula evened up the numbers by winning Ben), and need to work hard to catch up, before ordering them back to camp. Well, I suppose I should give him a point for trying. I'm sure it'll come off again soon anyway.

Next week: Amber wants food, and wants to know which tree branch she has to mate with in order to get some. Imogen is hearing voices in her head. People begin playing the game. (Presumably, something also might happen over at Cockula.)

We learn that the Peroxidevil's donation is going to Merry Makers Australia, whatever they do. The Peroxidevil cheerily says in her post-boot confessional that she thought the game was tough and the people were nice and she hopes Mofo wins the next challenge. Lofty aims. Now go and teach Jerry Springer to dance already.

1x13b: Reunion Special

2009-10-12T00:55:00.000-07:00

Many of the sixteen contestants manage to reveal more about themselves than we saw on the show, but Bald Spice sadly takes it too far. Please pass the brain bleach. And some fake tan for him.

====================

Can’t sleep (stupid bushfires). Let’s get the rest of this over and done with, shall we?

Earlier in this super-long edition of Cancel My Subscription, I'm Tired Of Your Issues: Eddie McEverywhereBackThen showed up at Crown Casino and tried to make it look like he cared who won. It didn't work. Hatie bitched and moaned and threatened murder until she was voted out. Then she turned up dressed in cellophane wrapping paper and ready to snark on herself. Long Pole Joel made the final immunity challenge the least dramatic in history when he threw it just like he said he was going to for the last three episodes. Then he turned up dressed like a blind grandpa in the 1960's, and was just as boring and moralising as ever. The final Tribal Council happened, and it was ridiculously boring. Like, "carrying a discussion with SexySuntannedWhoreBoy's mum" boring. The jury showed up, and so did NoMind's rack. The final two showed up, fresh from a visit with the Botox fairy. While they were at the plastic surgeons, they neglected to get a personality transplant. Link showed up, and it turns out he's great at hosting live television. Who knew? Also: Knob won.

Clap clap clap, from people actually raising their hands above their seats in an effort to be on camera. Tools. Eddie welcomes us back to the casino, where he's about to play a metaphorical game of Russian Roulette by talking with the sixteen players. Pssst, a little hint: Craig, NoMind, and Princess Jane. I guarantee you can't go wrong by interviewing those three for the next hour. Eddie reminds us that Knob won, and after a lengthy spiel, forks over the keys to the car he won. Yawn. Knob's wife claps nervously. She must know what he's like at providing directions. Princess Jane sure does, given that it's essentially his poor skills that got her the three votes which eventually booted her.

Eddie finally sits down. One step closer to finishing this show. He asks Sciona how she feels about being a loser, and she goes all Knob-worshippy again. St. Knob hugs her. Eddie asks Knob how much his football career helped him win, and we are again reminded of the win by an onscreen graphic. Thanks for the heads-up! Next, they'll insert graphics saying "Neil Armstrong: First Man To Walk On The Moon" and "Eddie McGuire: Deserves To Be Fired". I'd say his background didn't help him at all, given how hard he took losing, but he ignores the question and says Hatie was more abusive than anyone he ever played against. Well, sure. Most footy players now are too busy getting crappy haircuts and denying gay rumours to actually play the game like it was meant to be played. Not that I don't think [insert name of any Collingwood player from within the past decade here] is completely straight. Because I don't. Eddie references his own connection to said probable-DNA-Magazine-loving team, and the audience laughs. Knob says he wasn't that great a footballer, which is about as surprising as learning Eddie is a transvestite, given that Knob has always seemed to be a particularly self-centered person to me.

Eddie asks Knob to repeat his story about why he came on the show. Mother-in-law, Zimbabwe, you know the deal. Wake me up when Knob is off the screen. In other news, the camera shows a shot of Hatie sitting next to him, and she is STILL trying not to accidentally touch him. Hilarious. Knob mentions that he thought it was going to be for a million dollars, and Eddie tries to claim that it was, if you ignore the tax.

No.

This version was for half-a-million dollars, and is tax-free. The American version was for a full million dollars, and was taxed (as one Richard Hatch later found out). Even after the tax, it's still just over half a million American, and significantly more if you factor in the exchange rate back in 2002. Shut up, Eddie.

Knob points out that he still doesn't have enough money to get his mother-in-law over here, and: whatever. If this was pretty much anyone else in that crowd, I'd probably care, but I have a hard time even trying to feel sorry for Knob.

The audience decides to "spontaneously" clap clap clap.

Eddie says he has "looooooads of questions for everybody here tonight". Not all of which will be interesting or even relevant, I'm sure.

But he decides to ignore everyone and instead ask Knob's wife Dusty a question about what she thinks about having to watch him on television. She "can't believe we've won". I don't know whether it was deliberate or whether it's just her cool Zimbabwean accent, but she puts the emphasis on "WE'VE" as though she was actually out there. Apparently, Dusty's mother doesn't even know that she's being flown from scenic but war-torn Zimbabwe to Melbourne to live with Knob. Personally, I'd stay in Zimbabwe.

Eddie asks Knob how long he took to get Dusty in the sack, and he says it was back when the Brisbane Lions were still the Bears. I'm impressed he's managed to keep any relationship for that long, let along one that requires seeing him naked. Oh, and he calls her a "wild Zimbabwe woman". Ugh. How do you not know the right term for your wife's nationality?

Knob brings up Eddie's own son when talking about how he missed his own son. Whatever.

Even Eddie is sick of this, so he decides to talk to Hatie. She asks her how she feels about being booted by Knob, and haven't we already discussed this enough over the last two hours of this finale? Hatie knew she was on the edge of a breakdown, and that she was hurt. She mentions how "intimate" the personal game was, and the camera zooms out to show Knob. Imaginary shoutout! Eddie thinks she got too involved. He asks if her if she fell in love with Knob, and even Hatie has standards, Eddie. Low standards, but standards nonetheless. Hatie blames her being so young for her breakdown. Pfft.

Eddie segues into what will be one of many boring clip packages throughout the show, this one about crying. Lucindork cries again. Knob cries again. Hatie cries again as she gets hugged by Knob. Sciona cries again. Long Pole Joel Cries again. And again. And again. And again. Sophie cries several times. Sylvain cries again. Hatie cries AGAIN, and the audience laughs. NoMind cries about her family again. Craig almost cries when NoMind is voted off again. Bunch of babies.

Back at the reunion, Sciona reaches over and hugs Craig, who doesn't seem to care. Well, of course not, because he wasn't really crying that much in the clip they used.

Sophie, you voted for Knob even though you were much closer to Hatie. Why? She says she saw the game as a game.

Hatie is reminded of how she said she could win by killing somebody, as well as a couple of other quotes of hers about Knob. Hatie laughs. Then she breaks down in tears trying to explain herself. She says she's "not a bitch", and knows the audience hated her. After a shot of NoMind looking bored out of her mind, someone in the audience yells out support. Clap clap clap. Caren also looks bored. Hatie eventually says that someone had to be the bad guy. But the big problem is that all of the final four were edited as villains at some point, which made the finale very difficult to watch. I mean, look how long it took me to get through recapping it.

As the bumper to commercial, we get to see Knob's audition tape. And I will never again be able to watch the finale of that first season of The Amazing Race, after hearing that music from the ending in the video. Knob's wedding is shown for no reason. Then we see him on the football field with a mullet, and the audience laughs after a delayed reaction. Also, his shows his son to the camera. Poor kid.

Commercials. Brian Naylor, rest in peace. You will be missed.

Sciona is walking a dog in her audition tape. And not with a yoyo, but she is in that age group that wrongly thinks that sort of thing is cool. She says she's in the business of taking risks, and somehow she manages to make wearing a helmet and her test pilot uniform look boring. And then she eats dog poo.

Yes, really.

Sciona looks embarrassed, as well she should. Eddie asks her whether she really did, and what it tasted like. She said Knob told her the food on the island tasted worse. You know, finding out that one Survivor finalist knows what shit tastes like is bad enough. But two? Makes you wonder how bad the people that got rejected were.

You know who I really care about and really want to see again? Bald Spice. Eddie asks him how he prepared so well, given he was sick for most of his time out there. He blames the Channel Nein catering, and mentions that he was dehydrated and that he has "hyperglaucoma". Doesn't he mean hypoglycemia? No wonder he was sick, not even knowing which lifelong illness he had. Eddie points out that he didn't eat breakfast the day the game started.

It turns out the only reason we went to Bald Spice so early is so Eddie can link to the food clip package. Kadina eats rice again. Knob yells at Long Pole Joel for trying to save rice again. Craig runs away from the bees again. An emu runs across the screen. Hey, how about a stock footage montage? Tipara eats the Dunlop snails again. Sciona eats weeds again. Lance goes snorkelling in his Speedo again. Somebody has trouble cutting off a fish head again. NoMind bashes her fish's head in with a rock again. The audience laughs, showing the first sign of agreeing with me that they have in the entire past three hours. Fish stink up Tipara again. Knob asks about cannibalism again.

Eddie laughs. He asks Princess Jane how much she hated the food. She says she knew (presumably from the American version) that they'd be sent somewhere where there was water and seafood. Apparently, Princess Jane is much more familiar with the unseen rivers of central Kenya than I am. She says she didn't like it, but didn't want to complain because she would get voted out. Of course, if you don't complain, they'll find another reason to vote you out. Like "laziness". Eddie asks her how she dealt with people seeing her as "a passenger". She says she contributed to the tribe, but she was the weakest person there. I can think of several people who contributed less to their tribes than she did, and one of them won. She says people said some hurtful things, but that she got over it quickly because she realised it was a game. The implied eyebrow-raise in Hatie's direction is not included.

Long Pole Joel laughs when Eddie brings up him eating the rice with his hands. But it turns out that has nothing to do with his actual question, which is about his lack of facial hair. He winds up explaining the rice thing anyway.

And it was all a segue for before-and-after pictures. We see Jeff's promo shot and a set of pictures of him before the final shot showing how he wound up looking a little like Garfield at a Tribal Council. Craig's promo shot reminds me that those hypnotising eyes were there the entire time. Someone in the audience wolf-whistles, and it's completely true. There isn't an ugly shot of Craig in the bunch. Sylvain looked high in his promo shot, as you are reminded. He went through an extremely extended coming-down stage before eventually looking like David Letterman with a wig. Knob's final shot looks like he has two glass eyes. Lance gets only a couple of shots, and looks like a hobo by the end.

Clap clap clap.

Eddie remarks that Long Pole Joel wasn't included, and that he looked cleaner by the end than he did at the start. The audience laughs at about eight different shots, none of which have anything to do with humour.

Clap clap clap.

Long Pole Joel says to "call [him] Confucius". As long as he doesn't do a bad accent or make a "Confucius say man who smoke pot choke on handle" joke, I'd be fine with that. But I've only got about 25 minutes of recapping left, so I'm not going to. Eddie wonders what he's actually doing with his university degree -- not actually mentioning what the degree was for -- and Long Pole Joel says he's doing public speaking. I don't mean to be rude about this, but who would pay someone to tell them to never give up and all that self-help crap, when they themselves gave up half-a-million dollars based on a fucked-up notion of integrity? He plugs his website, and Eddie laughs. He says he was naive, and has no regrets about being so dumb.

Clap clap clap.

Eddie promises that we'll talk to everyone else after the break. Oh, good. I've been wanting to hear what Sciona and Jeff and Sylvain have to say. Not.

Long Pole Joel's audition tape shows him walking up to the camera in shorts, and his long pole is fairly prominent in this scene. It must be the entire reason he got cast, given he fucks up his line.

Commercials. SexySuntannedWhoreBoy and SexyUntannedEmoHunk are both surprised I can be an Aussie and still hate Vegemite. Is there something wrong with me? ["Yes. Now go sit in the corner." -- SexySuntannedWhoreBoy]

Sophie's audition tape shows her with her kids. Her young son is not wearing a shirt or a singlet or anything above his waist, and if this was nowadays you just know some idiot would call her a pedophile. Of course, those same people would probably be checking out her ample boobage on display. She explains how she decided to get her kids to "commando crawl" "to kindy today". Apparently, they go to a nudist kindy.

Sophie laughs and Jeff tells her something we can't hear over all the clap clap clapping. We see her daughter in the audience, and it looks as though she's wearing Sophie's buff. Awww. Eddie asks Sophie how bad she felt when Long Pole Joel refused to let her see her kids, because he was horny and wanted some alone time with the girlfriend. Apparently, Long Pole Joel had offered to share, but the producers wouldn't let it happen or something. In related news, that means there was even more reward communism, so that sucks.

Eddie brings up the concept of alliances, and asks Lance what his friends said about his naïveté. Lance jokes that he still doesn't think there were any alliances. Which explains why he was voted out. He says that he didn't expect to develop such strong friendships with people out there. Eddie asks him whether he felt stupid watching the finale, and Lance replies by pointing out that he probably would have done what Long Pole Joel did if he had stayed around. Suuuure you would have.

Eddie asks for a show of hands: Who thinks Survivor has changed their lives? Okay, here's who thinks it has: Long Pole Joel, Caren, Hatie, Deb, Jeff, Sophie, and Princess Jane. You'll notice that not only is it significantly fewer people than many seasons usually wind up with, but it's very telling who says it hasn't. Obviously Lucindork and Tim weren't changed, and Sciona has no discernable personality to change (you don't get to the finale without getting a nickname for no reason). But did you notice that Craig actively looked away from the group, and NoMind seems to be surprised that anyone's lives were changed? Hee. But Eddie chooses to bring up Knob saying it hasn't changed him. Knob thinks it's changed his life financially, but not so much otherwise. Eddie holds up a Picture magazine, which promises nude pics of Caren inside, and then asks her if her life has changed. Did he not see her hand go up? Perhaps he was concentrating on other things going up after reading the words "We vote Caren's clothes off! Page 39!". And, while I'm talking about it, it's a sure sign we're not in America that the magazine's cover can even be shown on television. Woo, lack of family values! I'm waiting for the ten year reunion show in which all of Craig's shirtless modelling work comes up. And there has been some. Eddie asks her if she thinks it was a bad idea to go on the show because of the pictures, and she points out that most Survivor chicks wind up posing nude somewhere, so she figured she might as well do it before the show made her anorexic. Good for her. She says she doesn't care about the pictures, but she probably wouldn't go on Survivor again. Lucky Australian Survivor was cancelled before we reached an All-Stars season, then. Eddie reminds her she said she wanted to get a tattoo, and he asks if she did. David points out he can see it from where he's sitting, behind her. Pervert. She says she got a tattoo of a crown with a bunch of different symbols to remind her what she got out of the show. Like a little permanent charm bracelet.

Clap clap clap.

Eddie is shocked she is from Darwin. He is also shocked she only took summer clothes. Apparently, she and several others were under the impression that they were going to the Bahamas. Now that would have been fun. Shirtless Craig all season. Mmmm.

It's time for Eddie to mock Lucindork. Lucinda looks a little like Tottie Goldsmith (damn you, Neighbours ads!), except slightly wrinklier. She acknowledges that she did indeed vote for herself, and Eddie wonders why, given all the training and the whole audition process she went through. She blames the editing. What happened in the real world, according to her, is that she figured a few of the younger people were going to vote her off for being old anyway. Which makes no sense, because she wasn't the oldest person on the tribe. By almost an entire decade. Eddie tries to get her to admit that she quit, but she refuses to do so. After she starts answering the follow-up question, she officially becomes the most talkative first boot at a reunion ever. She says she didn't stop drinking and smoking for six months just to quit in the first three days. Eddie asks why she put her own name down, and she says it was to avoid anyone being voted off in a previous-votes tiebreaker. It never wound up mattering for Kadina the way they kept losing, but getting votes at Tipara's first Tribal Council is what cost Princess Jane the game, ironically enough. The audience claps when Lucindork confirms she didn't actually want to go. I think, along with Deb and NoMind and Craig, the season would have been much, much more enjoyable had she been around longer. And perhaps it wouldn't have been cancelled, and then I could have applied by now and snarked on people like Knob in real life.

Eddie mentions Sciona under the pretext of Anna Coren-ing his way into a package about dirt. You'll notice that only the Tipara people are shown in the package.

Eddie tries to make a big deal about how he's going to talk to someone from Kadina (which he wrongly calls "the green tribe", despite their Big Bird yellow buffs), even though the last two questions were to people from Kadina. Idiot. But it doesn't matter, because...

Craig! Someone in the audience yells out something inaudible, and he laughs. Eddie mentions how he made "a few hearts flutter around Australia". SexySuntannedWhoreBoy wonders where I got the extra hearts delivered from. ["And I'm still wondering where your first heart is." -- SexyUntannedEmoHunk] ["I know where it is. You just have to get naked around him more often." -- WhoreBoy] Eddie's eventual question, after a lot of rambling about being a "warrior" and whatnot, is whether he thought Kadina sucked as much as the rest of the six people watching did. Craig says he did the best he could with the hand he was dealt. He says that team unity is good, but you've still gotta wanna be there, and people quitting (BALD SPICE AND SYLVAIN) is what cost them. Well, in all fairness, keeping those two around after they mentally checked out of the game probably cost them more, especially when you had people like Lucindork and Tim who still wanted to be there.

In other news, I love how Craig got to sit at the big kid's table.

Eddie promises to get to the bottom of Hatie's "weasel" remarks after the break.

Craig's audition tape shows him working on a powerpoint. As he explains that he's an electrician, about four different funny things happen: 1) The plug sparks and catches fire a little bit, 2) the screwdriver literally flies out of Craig's hands, and 3) Craig screams like a little girl. You just can't make this stuff up. Craig walks off the screen with his tail between his legs, calling for his mum. Hee. Also, he is still damn hot. (I'd make a Theory Fire joke about his mum filming the clip, but... yeah, not the time.)

Commercials. Is it possible to kill two birds with one stone by taking the Queensland floodwater and somehow using it to fight the bushfires in Victoria?

Bald Spice's audition tape. His idea of the moonwalk is baring your arse to the camera as you move away from it. Then doing the actual moonwalk back into the shot. Ewwwwwww.

Clap clap clap.

Bald Spice wonders if his butt looked big, and it was big enough to temporarily blind SexyUntannedEmoHunk, even in a four-inch image. Eddie remarks that he found the minibar nuts after all.

But back to Craig! Eddie asks why he didn't expose them around the campfire, like what eventually happened with Hatie anyway. Craig says it was because Hatie was such an easy target. As we saw. Hatie laughs like a ferret. Craig says that even Lance told him he was getting booted as soon as he lost Immunity, so he and the girls decided to try and stir the pot however they could. Which brings up something I probably should have thought about before. Suppose Craig wins the Fear Factor Food Feast. Now, one of the Tipara members goes home instead. Either a member of the alliance goes home, and the three remaining members are screwed, or Lance or Long Pole Joel goes home, and the alliance is exposed. And the alliance is screwed, given there's another person outside the alliance who knows about it than there was when it broke up in the real world. So Knob was very lucky that Craig lost that challenge. VERY lucky.

Craig calls them "great sportsmen" for cheering when he lost that challenge. The audience laughs.

Hatie interrupts the discussion. She bitches that just before the Tribal Council where Craig got booted, he whispered to Knob that Hatie wanted him to vote for Knob to force a tie. Craig orders her to get to her point. Clap clap cheer. Hatie says that he did a whole bunch of bad stuff out there, but it wasn't shown. He calls her out on her own actions. BIG cheer. I think the audience might just like Craig a little bit.

Eddie provides the snark I was about to, about how Hatie had a small amount of sympathy until she said that, and now she's basically the Jerri Manthey of this season. Not that she wasn't anyway.

Deb, Eddie thinks you were doing well until you did whatever it was to your ankle. How unlucky was that? She says that she would have probably survived had it not happened. Well, of course. That was the episode Sylvain had his breakdown. She returns to the question he asked Craig earlier, about why Kadina sucked at life, and she chalks it up to there not being any alliances on the tribe, and the subsequent paranoia.

Illness And Injury package. There is a lot of stuff about people talking about Bald Spice. Caren and Sophie fall over again. Clumsy! Jeff's foot is still burned. We see Sciona drop the water on herself again. Nice to see they dealt with THAT storyline. Deb talks about her ankle at Tribal Council, and we see clips of her trying to move it.

Clap clap clap.

There's a wide shot of the audience, and it's only now I notice that the car Knob won is on stage. It's convenient, too, because Eddie wants to talk to Sylvain about the reward he won. Oh good, only three more people to talk to after this. It's hard to believe we're doing so well, given we'd still only have talked to five or six people by now if Probst was hosting. Sylvain was happy with the reward, but "unfortunately, [he] really, really can't drive". So he's sold it. Eddie asks him why he didn't bother getting his licence, and Sylvain basically says he quit as soon as it got hard. The audience bursts into canned laughter. He says he's going to spend the money he got for the car on his second book, and gives a copy of his first book to Eddie as a gift for hosting. Twenty bucks says that was mysteriously left behind on the set. And where's Link's book?

NoMind won the overnight reward at the cottage, and Eddie wants to know why she didn't take a Tipara and use it as a chance to scheme and plot. With a huge smile on her face, NoMind says she didn't even think about it, and reveals she told Craig on the way to the challenge that "if this is a challenge where you get to invite someone along, and you win it, and you don't pick me, I'll kick your arse". Bwah! Eddie wonders how the night was, and she says it was great. He asks if she used the product-placement computer (but they didn't pay for this episode, so they don't get named, unlike, the car company), and she did. She mentions that it's cool because it's black. Somewhere, Michael Jackson calls her a racist.

Long Pole Joel blathers about how that reward was meant to happen, and how fate is the same reason he was able to make that final-three deal with Knob and Sciona, because Hatie's ankles hurt. Yawn. Go buy another copy of The Secret.

Eddie randomly goes from Long Pole Joel's interruption back to NoMind's question, and to a package about rewards. There was lobster. Tipara cheered over chocolate, remember? The funny, funny editors decide to put Hatie calling herself "the Rat Woman" into the montage. Love you too, guys. The shower scene had a nude run and Long Pole Joel sniffing himself. NoMind and Craig enjoyed the cottage. Lance did not get to enjoy seven slices of the pizza, because Reward Communism was here to stay. Long Pole Joel's girlfriend still looks like a ghost. Waiter Link was responsible for giving Princess Jane her Devonshire tea. Link won a car! Did we mention that yet?

Clap clap clap.

We see Long Pole Joel's girlfriend for a second before cutting to Eddie. And another mention of the car. Eddie wants to know whether Hatie was ever paid for streaking. He hasn't yet, but Hatie's not letting him leave the casino without giving her some gambling money. Knob says that he's so cheap, even with half a million dollars, that he'll still be getting money from the crew to pay her.

Commercials. I'd like to thank jupaesle for uploading this show. Couldn't have snarked on all these people without your help.

Deb's audition tape shows her practicing kung fu. Deb says she loves "the fun of the mindgame" in trying to figure out who's lying to her and whatnot. It's a shame that many of the people didn't even want to try playing the game, because I think she could have done well.

Clap clap clap.

Jeff, why didn't you shut up at challenges? He says it was because she couldn't have caught him if he ran away. We learn that Jeff won a bravery medal for some floods in Canberra, was shot at in Cyprus, was held as a hostage in Lebanon, and was the only survivor of a flood. Unlike Sciona, he does not manage to make it sound like he cleans toilets for a living. It's pretty close, though.

Clap clap clap.

Tim, you win the Person Eddie Almost Forgot To Talk To award. What did you think of Kadina voting you out and then sucking in a challenge pretty much designed for your skills? Tim was annoyed when he found out, after he was voted off. Eddie tries hard to find some sense of personality in Tim, but fails. Tim thinks he was voted off because he was shy, not because he was old.

Sylvain and Caren both say voting Tim out was a mistake. The editors do not.

The editors do, however, provide us with a second "absolutely fantastic" challenge montage. We see everyone running with their lassos, Long Pole Joel trying to row the Tipara dinghy, then running into Sophie at the woodchopping challenge. Also included: Deb at the obstacle course. People running into the water in that first challenge. Pilchards. Princess Jane dry heaving. The Worst Challenge Ever. More of the boat-towing challenge. The lobster hunt. The buried treasure challenge. More woodchopping. More obstacle course. More sprinting. Baby squid. Hatie looking sick. Craig rowing Kadina's boat, alone and shirtless. Digging for the buried boxes. More from the lobster hunt. Still more from the obstacle course. Are you getting the feeling there's not a lot the producers felt they could choose from. Knob and Craig at the fire rod challenge. MORE of the damn obstacle course. Craig running with his flare. And with flair. Jane at the debris challenge. Sylvain and Long Pole Joel at the bungy challenge. Sophie falling from her palletoon. Fish eyes. Knob and Hatie struggling to get it down, even though Hatie didn't even get to the fish eyes. Tipara's mast falling at the woodchopping challenge. Conspicuously not included: The bonfires failing to burn. The whale at the giant slingshot challenge. Long Pole Joel throwing the final challenge.

Clap clap clap.

Eddie wants another show of hands, this time of who's going to keep in contact with the people voted off. Everybody says they will, but Eddie calls Knob out as the slowest. Like you would expect from a guy as self-centered as him. But if you look closely, Bald Spice is slower. Also slow: Sciona, Lance, Princess Jane. Not Slow At All: Long Pole Joel, Hatie, NoMind, and Caren.

Eddie reveals to us that Hatie and Knob train at the same gym. Awk-ward! He wants to know whether the two of them will ever enter Imaginary Relationship Counselling. Hatie says she'll try to try. Dusty looks like she just swallowed a lemon whole.

Eddie calls Sciona a "warrior", and then congratulates Knob for winning. Knob hijacks the show and thanks Sciona for being his "rock" out on the Bight. Knob says there shouldn't be a second place; there should be two winners. Commie! And if there are two winners, doesn't that make Long Pole Joel the second-place person? Eddie interjects and reminds Knob what he won: the money, the car, and the mother-in-law. He makes this grimace as he says "mother-in-law" that I really shouldn't find funny, but I do.

Eddie demands the audience applauds. Clap clap clap. Over the applause, Eddie congratulates Link for hosting (and he really does deserve the congratulations). The players get up in unison and talk to Eddie.

Stock footage of the camps, the animals, the trees, and the cliffs. Really jumpy end credits play over the top, as does an extended version of the horrible theme music.

And, after 103,290 words, we are done. And not a moment too soon. Like I said earlier, I'm going to try and focus on recapping the three seasons of The Amazing Race Asia next. But I might multitask and get a few more recaps for other shows done in the meantime. Certainly, when I get not-bored enough to sit down and do it, I'll recap Celebrity Survivor Vanuatu. There are a couple of Doctor Who episodes I want to get done at some point, and I'm going to do a couple more X-Files episodes (and the latest movie), and possibly start on Quantum Leap too. 2009 is going to be a sleep-deprived year, y'all. (And it's so sleep-deprived already I accidentally called it 2008 again. Thanks for noticing, SexyUntannedEmoHunk!) Watch this space.

["...I'm watching, but nothing's happening." -- SexyUntannedEmoHunk]

1x13: Finale

2009-10-12T00:54:00.001-07:00

Hatie spazzes out even more than usual, and then gets voted out, and it’s strangely depressing. Then Long Pole Joel sticks to his word and is voted out, and it’s strangely fun. Then Knob wins, and it’s not-so-strangely twelve-step-program-inducing.

====================

Previously on The Wacky Adventures Of A Big Bunch Of Delusional Fools Who Need To Shut The Fuck Up, And Craig: The entire season, which we don't get to find out about before the opening credits. Instead we learn that collecting abalone from Whaler's Way like Knob has been doing all season is illegal. Trust him to do that. Although, if he gets the same end result as Colby (who swiped coral from the Great Barrier Reef during a reward in Outback), I will be happy. Probably pissed about the actual winner, but happy about him not winning anyway.

Credits. This theme music really is the absolute worst Survivor theme I've ever heard. And I've watched through a full Youtube playlist with about a hundred different opening creditses on it.

We open with a live audience, clapping like they actually watched this show and care who wins. Eddie McEverywhereBackThen is standing at the Tribal Council voting hull (from which that camera-hiding net I talked about way back near the start of the season has been removed). He confirms that the ship has been moved away from Whaler's Way, and is now stinking up the Crown Showroom in Melbourne. Just in case the live audience clapping wasn't a dead giveaway. Eddie informs us that twelve people have so far been forced to "walk the plank". It's really not so interesting to discuss when the plank isn't situated above deep water. Tonight, one of the four tools remaining will win half a million dollars, for no reason other than the entertainment of the three people still watching. For the first time, we are told that the winner will also get a Ford Escape, just like Sylvain won all those weeks ago. We are also reminded of how "sixteen Aussies -- just sixteen -- have played Survivor so far", lending credence to a rumour from back then that Eddie was possibly the only person in the country who didn't know the show had been cancelled. And Link's been out watching these people all the time. We're told that we're about to see what he saw, which is really weird, because I don't remember him being at camp for much of what we're about to see.

Link has seen a lot of clouds. He's also seen the artificially rusted school bus. Promo photo shots, including one of Link himself standing in front of the cast and easily looking like the hottest thing in the picture, which is much easier given that Craig is not visible from our point of view. And how did he see that, given he was in the damn picture? Anyway, the tribes were sent off on Day 1. The waves of the Southern Ocean made the Kadina mast sway in the wind, but Tipara's stood firm. Blunt metaphor alert! Lucindork voted for herself, and we hear a Frankenquip of her saying that "it's / just / too tough" for her. Kadina's love of winning reward challenges, and Craig's love of both shoulders (mmm) and pimping Solo (blecch), did not help them win the stupid Bell. Until they decided to get a product placement in an Immunity Challenge. Craig got shirtless, pleasing millions of Aussie women and a smaller amount of Aussie men, including myself. Sylvain was more tired than modern American sitcoms. Kadina was snuffed one by one in a sad set of edited together shots. Half of Tipara were under the impression that this was The Amazing Race without the travel, while the other half correctly thought this was Survivor, and therefore decided to play the game like it was supposed to be played. Hatie seemed to be involved with everything, while Lance was naive and Speedo-wearing. Kadina was outnumbered at the merge, but got to shower with the grown-ups anyway. Caren and NoMind were also snuffed. Craig the "warrior" supposedly had to charm over the women in order to stay in the game, which does not explain the discussions with Long Pole Joel and Lance. Craig was a hot manipulative little snake. He had to basically win the Immunity Choke Chain eight times in a row, but unfortunately Sophie yanked it after two. Lance was too nice to play the game, and Long Pole Joel decided to get nasty and use his long pole to wedge a way into the end game. Everyone slid down that steep hill to the debris challenge, because that was slightly funny the first time. Sophie didn't think so, and she got snuffed. The clouds remind us that now, only Long Pole Joel, Sciona, Knob, and Hatie are left. Who will outwit, outplay, and outlast the others... TONIGHT?

The audience is clapping, as they do. Eddie makes a fool of himself by almost stumbling on the Tribal Council walkway, and thinks impersonating a sumo wrestler will get him out of it. It doesn't work. Eddie tells us twelve people have done what he just did, which is stupid; because that's not the plank people walked up after they were snuffed. That's the gangplank to the voting hull. Did even he give up on the show? It turns out the front rows of the makeshift studio are filled with the contestant's loved ones. Eddie reminds us that Someone's Going To Win Money. Thanks, Captain Exposition.

As you may have noticed, tonight's show is a little different to other finales. First, we'll watch the actual episode. Then, we get to bitch with the jury for a little while, and finally everyone else gets to join in. Eddie does Link's job and tells us what happened last week. He makes it sound even more boring than Link usually does. So, let's get this last episode done already.

The group walks back from last week's Tribal Council. They sit around the fire, and... I know I've quoted this before, but here it is again, and it's possibly even more true this time: "Things are about to get awesome, so get a bowl of popcorn and sit down. And put your feet up. And put on a party hat. You may want a horn." Hatie says that Knob's true colours are finally coming out, only thirty-five days too late to be interesting. Knob pretends to not know what she could possibly be talking about, and she says he's "been playing too many games" and that his mind is "caught up in lies and guilt". Yes, guilt really is a tricky web to escape from. And I'm sure that if we had a dancing challenge, we'd learn that his guilty feet have got no rhythm. Hatie tells Knob in front of everybody that he's been "coercing and conspiring" and "unloyal" [sic], and yet he lies to them and tells them he's committed to them. See, a few weeks ago, I would have told them both to get a life, but now, I am completely on Hatie's side. It's amazing what being the only person to not notice that this isn't a Montessori school will do. She does not seem to notice that Sciona was also part of this plan to get ride of her and Sophie, or that it was Long Pole Joel’s idea, but whatever. Someone's finally laying the smackdown on Knob! Hatie snaps that Knob was always telling her and Sophie to "trust [him], trust [him], trust [him]", and then he backstabbed them. Apparently, Hatie "wouldn't trust [Knob] as far as she could throw [him]". I'm not sure how far that is, or whether she would even WANT to throw him, given it would require physical contact and all, but this whole scene, more than it's gone down in history as one of the biggest non-suicidal nervous breakdowns any reality contestant has ever had, really just shows how much she's the lesser of four evils here. She's still in the wrong, of course, but all four of them are. Hatie? Wrong. Long Pole Joel? Wrong. Sciona? Wrong and unwilling to own her actions. Knob? Sixteen different kinds of wrong.

Knob bitches that Sophie came to him and asked whether he was committed to her -- and by extension Hatie -- and Knob wasn't going to tell her he wasn't. That would make sense in almost any other situation, but here it's bullshit, because he knows full well that lying to Sophie was not the situation she means, that Sophie was in the Complicated Alliance Of Eternal Overplanning with both he and Hatie, and that Sophie was in the minority with Hatie, trying to plot a way to get Long Pole Joel out of the competition. Hatie retorts that he was lying to both her and Sophie about taking them to the final two right from the very beginning, and she's right. Sciona looks tired, but her eyes pick up for a second when Hatie tells Rob he's "dumb as dogshit". Well, it depends on which breed, I suppose. I hear dalmatian shit is actually pretty intelligent, as far as animal turds go. Knob congratulates himself on how he played the game, and says he "played it with integrity, whether [Hatie likes] it or not." Hatie sarcastically calls him "a fuckin' hero". Except for the bleep. Why the fuck does "fuck" get bleeped, but not "shit"? Hatie wonders what Knob's definition of "dishonesty" is, and: exactly. Knob rants about how you can't choose what the truth is in this game (and: you can, because it's your decisions that shape what becomes the truth). Long Pole Joel looks nervous as Knob tells Hatie that she's not exactly the most innocent person, and that she needs to wisen up because it's a game. In which you're trying to get people to like you, so shut up while you still can, Knob. When Hatie tells him he's "played it like an arsehole", Knob wonders who he's hurt. Well, there's Hatie herself, then Sophie, Princess Jane, Lance, Craig, NoMind, Caren, and Jeff. Knob played a major role in all of their bootings. Hatie thinks Knob is "a gutless wonder". Suddenly coming to something almost forming a bit of sense, Hatie apologises to Sciona and Long Pole Joel for having to witness that. Flames fade out.

The next day, birds fly around, informing us that it's Day 36. So, yes, we are having a four-day finale. There are also kangaroos, waves, more kangaroos, and the Aurora boat. Hatie confessionals about how sweet Sophie was, and how she took losing really well, and how Hatie feels like she doesn't have any friends left, but that Long Pole Joel was still at least acting nice around her. At this point? Go Hatie! Otherwise, go Long Pole Joel! Otherwise, go computer crash!

At the cliffs, Knob tells us that the only way he's stayed sane is by destroying perfectly harmless driftwood. He's making a plaque that says "the tribe has spoken", so that Link can show it to him instead of saying the words. Heh. But, knowing what Link's been like all season, he'd probably say it as well.

Hatie confessionals that she pities Knob, and hopes Sciona and Long Pole Joel will see the light. She's going to do whatever she can to make Knob lose.

Everyone except Knob walks to the coast. Hatie confessionals that she knows about the mini-alliance between Sciona and Knob, and that Long Pole Joel apparently knows but doesn't care. Long Pole Joel tries to get Hatie to join him and Sciona for some reason not made clear to us, but it seems to be in the episode only to try and convince us that Long Pole Joel is a Nice Guy.

Knob realises he's not about to win Miss Congeniality, so he decides to hunt for shells in a small rockpool. He confessionals that Survivor is a tough game. As I'm sure Sylvain and or Lucindork will tell us during the reunion show, so you can go ahead and take this opportunity to shut the fuck up, Knob. Knob tells us something about how the abalone they've been eating tastes, and it's even harder than usual to make sense of what he's saying. But apparently the smaller, more illegal abalone taste better. Go figure.

A sea cucumber wrinkles up. I stand corrected. Sea cucumber FTW!

Hatie confessionals that she has an emotional owie because of Knob and she wants a hug from her daddy. She cries.

Knob acts like he's going to get washed away by a shin-deep wave. Tool.

Knob has a full bucket of probably-undersized abalone, but tells Long Pole Joel he only has around twenty. Long Pole Joel asks if he's a "high-five type of bloke", and Knob tells him once again that he's not. Didn't we have this exact same discussion with these two a couple of weeks ago? But Knob gives him a high-five anyway. Long Pole Joel is still stunned that Knob can find shells on a rock.

Later, Long Pole Joel continues his Knob worship, and appears he's also inherited Link's love of Basic Mathematical Facts at some point, because he points out that with only four people left, they each get five abalone. Sciona mumbles something, continuing her theme of Being Deemed Irrelevant And Ignored By The Editors.

A weird little piece of bell music takes us back to the Aurora boat, and it's only now that I notice that, in addition to being crappily steered by its pilot, the boat's mast/tribe flag is sticking out of the bottom rather than the top. How bizarre.

Hatie washes the abalone, while asking for Sciona. Hatie apologises again for her behaviour the previous night, and it appears that Sciona has morphed into Knob. I always figured Sciona would fill out this show's role of Bearded Lady. Hatie continues apologising, but turns the whole thing into calling Knob out for his lying throughout the entire game. Hatie, SHUT UP. I really don't want to have to throw my computer against the wall before this episode ends. Knob responds that what he's done isn't any different to what Hatie has done. Raceguy's Bullshit-O-Meter pings. Sure, they were in an alliance together, but when Hatie tried to sway people's votes, like she did with Kadina, she never said she was going to take them to the end with her. Hatie bitches about him spitting on her face and sarcastically calls him "a champion". Do you get the feeling she might be taking all this backstabbing to heart, just a little? I think she might. Knob says that Hatie was the one who proposed their alliance and... therefore, she's responsible for him being a lying, annoying dickweed? I don't get the connection. Hatie points out the alliance wasn't just the two of them, it included Sophie and Sciona as well. Which is completely true. Hatie then ruins whatever amount of cred she had accumulated by being in the right so far by comparing Knob's role in the alliance to a trigamist. Knob wonders if he's "morally inept", or whether this has to do with sex. In either case, yes. I gathered that from everything that's happened over the past however long I've spent writing these recaps now. Hatie responds that her trigamism talk was just an analogy. After Knob whinily tries to protest again, Hatie congratulates Sciona for her courage. Sciona confessionals that "she's an extraordinary young woman", and the prize money isn't that important. It's not clear whether she's talking about Hatie. We cut back to the camp discussion, where Sciona is wearing different clothing and looks much less clean, as she tells Hatie that she's like "a 25-year-old version" of herself. Well, that's one point against the concept of evolution, isn't it? (Current score, for those controversy geeks keeping track? Evolution -1, Creation -28,455,892,106.) Sciona tells Hatie she hopes they can still be friends once Hatie finishes blaming Knob for the world's problems. Of course, I can guarantee you Sciona would not be saying that if Hatie were pointing out all her faults.

We get a little weird bit in which Sciona's confessional voiceover is heard over low-volume audio of her talking to Hatie. Damn near sublimiBRING BACK THE MOLEnal, that is. The confessional tells us that if she wins the Immunity Sushi Roll, Long Pole Joel is going home. And if she wins the one after that, she gets to decide whether Sciona or Knob is going home. And I think we know which way she would vote if that was happening. So in essence, Sciona thinks she's getting through to the final two no matter what. Thanks for taking a vast amount of the fun out of the episode, editors.

Commercials. Sixteen minutes in and this is the first commercial break? Inconceivable! Normally, we'd have been subjected to two commercial breaks and a news update by now.

The audience is still clapping, even while being burned alive with the help of some creatively placed CGI work. Eddie is not being burned alive, and pretends to be interested about Hatie's mini-meltdown. Just get me back to the actual show already! I despise everyone left, but not as much as I despise you, Eddie.

The Fast-Forwarding Genie grants my wish, and takes me all the way to Day 37 (according to Eddie), where nature shots of the seaside introduce the Bucket Mail, which is decidedly NOT at the beach, so I don't know what that's about. Long Pole Joel and Hatie do the deed. Well, not THE deed, given that it probably wouldn't fit in Hatie's teeny-tiny frame, but the read the conch shell message anyway:

One step at a time

Find what is yours

Winning is cool

When your flag soars

Just like me, Sciona wonders whether that's the entire message. And it is, thank Jebus. I can't believe they felt the need to edit in that Bucket Mail. Couldn't we have skipped it, just this once? We could not. Sciona actually checks the shell to make sure that Long Pole Joel and Hatie weren't lying about being short-changed. And Long Pole Joel reads it again. Knob walks in as he does so, trying to appear as though he was a part of the discussion. Seriously, Knob weirds me out more than any Survivor contestant ever. Well, not more than Brian Heidik, but... anyone else. Remember crazy Matt from Amazon? He’s got nothing on Knob.

An ugly wooden obelisk sits in front of the clouds. A sweeping reverse shot shows it again, this time inside a group of tree stumps. The Crap Four do their best Abbey Road impersonation, amidst more obelisk shots. Link welcomes them to the clifftop. Just, you know, in case they didn't notice the cliffs during any of the other challenges held around here. Link tries to claim that playing near the windy Southern Ocean is appropriate, because of the prize. But he doesn't explain it yet, because that would give away that what he's saying makes no sense. You start from an oil barrel on the outside of the grid, and use a plank as a balance beam to move around. No falling off, and no trying to move to a stump somewhere else is going. Attached to each stump is a little holder, and inside each holder is a peg or a flag. You've got to find the four pegs and the one flag that match the colour of your plank and platform. When you've got them all, go to the obelisk, balancing your plank on the base (which Link is calling a "lighthouse", even though there's no windows or anything for said light to escape). Then, use the pegs to climb up the obelisk, and place your flag in the top. First person to do it wins. And what do you win? Ice cream. With toppings. And an advantage in the multiple-choice trivia-quiz Immunity Challenge tomorrow. Which means Eddie is wrong. This couldn't possibly be Day 37. If tomorrow's the Final 4 Immunity Challenge, then that makes it Day 38. Which means there's only one day for the Torch Walk Of Booted Losers, the Final 3 Immunity Challenge, the Final 3 Tribal Council, the Final Day Of Reflection, and the Final Tribal Council. Not happening. So it's Day 36. And I am pissed that we have to find out now what the Immunity Challenge entails. But the basic twists of an Immunity Challenge advantage reward, and of a final episode reward challenge happened YEARS before they showed up on the US version, in Guatemala and Exile Island respectively. So it's got that going for it, which is nice. But then again, this "challenge" is basically random luck, which sucks. Meh.

Survivors ready? GO! Quite frankly, this challenge was so poorly edited and headache-inducing that I'm not even going to bother trying to recap it. Hatie wins. Link comes in for the obligatory handshake (of course, he'd be dry-humping Long Pole Joel if he won), and comments on how unusual the combination of her chicken win last week and her ice cream win this week is. Which reminds me, she's now won three challenges in a row. Even Tipara wouldn't have managed that as a whole tribe if Sylvain hadn't proven himself incapable of holding bolts for twenty seconds. So... go Hatie, I guess. It's weird. I want her to win more than any of the other idiots left, but it would still make me want to claw my eyes out if it happened.

We see a bunch of close up shots of the icecream stump and its assorted trimmings. Hatie and the people who have no business tasting anything on the stump exclaim how wonderful it is, and how they're happy Hatie is sharing (what happened after the chicken last time?), and you'll notice that Hatie has a proper bowl, while the other three all have shells. So I don't think even the producers expected everything to be this communist. And where the hell did they get shells, anyway, given that this isn't near the beach at all? As far as I'm concerned, the contestants can all get into their little time machines and go back to when the Soviet Union was still around. Or even better, East Germany. That way, Hatie and Sciona are masculine enough to fit in perfectly.

I am NOT happy with this development.

Sciona boringly confessionals about how she can't figure out that two Reward Challenge wins plus an Immunity Challenge win by Hatie equals a grand total of three challenge wins. (For her next trick, she's going to wonder how many fingers Link wants to raise in the direction of these castaways. Correct answer? Two, one on each hand.) She continues that she doesn't know what'll happen if Hatie wins, but then points out that she's already decided that Long Pole Joel is going home if that happens. Wow. It's like having to put up with Tina and Colby all over again. Except Knob is even more arrogant than Colby and Sciona is even more boring than Tina. Neither of which would have been considered possible under any other circumstance.

Without a commercial break or any nighttime shots, we see the sunrise of Day 37. You'll notice that the sunrise is even funner without having to see Kochie and Mel. The sun reflects off the water, which reminds me that we're yet to see one of the sharks that Link was warning us about and which appears in the logo and credits.

We follow everyone getting up and looking lethargic, and Hatie stumbles through the brush to go to the toilet. Luckily, we cut away before anything happens. Unluckily, we wind up staring at Sciona and Long Pole Joel, who are walking to the beach to fish.

Seemingly later on, Knob attempts to make small talk with Hatie, and Hatie does not appear to be interested. One point for Hatie.

Knob confessionals that he felt like we was going home yesterday. Which is impossible, because there WASN'T a FUCKING Tribal COUNCIL yesterday! What the hell is up with the editing of this episode? This is even worse than the new episodes of Survivor have gotten. Knob says he was hurt by Hatie's tirade, but that when he puts it into context (ie. he was in the wrong and deserved most of what he got), he was able to deal with it fine. Which doesn't match what was later revealed, with rumours that all four of the remaining players tried to quit, and only decided to stay because the producers threatened to give the prize money to Sophie. Because apparently Sophie is the Antichrist. Or something. What did they think would happen if they all quit? A random lottery? Donating the money to CHARITY? Fools. Like they would ever do something stupid like that. Knob also tells us he's going to see a shrink when he gets home for even agreeing to come out here.

Yeah. Not going there. Besides, I need to see one too after deciding to recap this.

Knob asks Hatie whether she'd compete in Australian Survivor: All-Stars, and she says she probably would. Just as soon as she gets the Euthanasia Hotline endorsement deal finalised. She compares it to a really tough race, which kind of surprises me, even from her, because if you were going to compare any reality show to a race, I don't think Survivor would be at the top of many people's list. I would consider it... uh... "amazing" if Survivor was the first reality show you thought of if I said the word "race".

Hatie confessionals that it's not good to string people along only to vote them out. Well, of course not. That explains why she tried to swing Caren's vote. She says she understands why Knob did what he did, but she thinks he's "confused" and "out of perspective". Trust her to understand the confused person.

Hatie hugs Knob, and Knob appears to refuse to let go. Ew.

At the shore, Long Pole Joel is fishing, but the fish aren't biting. Maybe they realised who they were going to be fed to. Sciona confessionals that the game is all about relationships and struggling to survive. Can you believe it's only taken her thirty-seven days to learn what we all knew after Jeff Probst's voiceover in the very first episode of the very first season? Genius, that woman. Back in real life, Sciona tells Long Pole Joel that "most people sort of, you know, miss a lot in life because they're not looking". Lady, he was fishing in eight inches of water. I don't think it's even possible to miss seeing anything in water that shallow. She also calls Long Pole Joel a "searcher" and a "bloody nice bloke" and, least surprisingly of all, a "warrior". I wonder if Knob made a bitchy confessional about THAT use of the word. Sciona and Long Pole Joel continue the episode theme of Uncomfortable Hugging.

Waves. The Bucket Mail is back again, so soon after the previous challenge. Insert an emotionless cheer here. Long Pole Joel makes the obligatory "You've Got Mail" joke which... wasn't that funny the first time someone on Survivor said it, and certainly isn't funny here. And why is he carrying a tin with him? He must know the message isn't written is carefully arranged droplets of water, right? It is, in fact, on a carved piece of driftwood or... something.

Think hard about your time here, for soon it will be gone

If your memory fails you now, you won't last long

One step at a time, you'll walk over the sea

When you stand alone, you'll win Immunity

The screen unexpectedly whites out for a moment, and when we see Long Pole Joel and Sciona again, they demand to know where Knob is. He's resting, as though he hasn't actually done that for the past 37 days already. And he's using the camp bed Hatie won. Presumably without asking, because we know after the events of yesterday and the night before that he would not have been given permission to do it. Sciona reads the fucking message AGAIN, just in case we weren't forced into a Boredom Coma the first time. Hatie makes a surprised exclamation, as though none of the three previous seasons of Survivor had had a challenge all about remembering what's happened so far. Which is stupid, because THEY ALL DID. Borneo's was at that Tribal Council where Kelly turned on Sue; Outback's was the very last challenge, and Africa's was the one they fucked up with that question about body piercings. Knob also seems to cotton on to the basic idea of the challenge.

We see some impossibly white sand and some impossibly blue water, with a yacht sailing on it. The players walk along the beach to Link. He greets 'n' grabs, this time from Hatie. Apparently, they're standing in a place called Memory Cove, but I can't find any such place on my maps (yes, I am a map nerd, deal with it). But, you know, it's not like Survivor to mock up place names or... shipwrecks or anything.

The challenge is very simple. On the boat, there's a plank for each person. Each plank has five spaces marked on it. Starting from the one closest to the boat, you answer a set of multiple-choice questions about the challenges that have happened so far. You answer with a set of cards marked with A, B, C, and D. If you're correct, nothing happens. If you're wrong, you move one space closer to the far edge of the plank. When you're out of room, you jump from the plank into the cold, cold waters of the Southern Ocean, and presumably some sort of rescue boat has been planned to unnecessarily stop these people from drowning. Last one still dry wins the Immunity Towel Rack.

As you know, Hatie won an advantage in the reward challenge. Though it's not explained this simply, whenever she wants, she can choose to not answer a question she clearly doesn't know, and will then be able to save herself from getting it wrong. As far as Immunity Challenge advantages go, it's quite possibly the least advantageous one ever, compared to Danni's "switch places with someone whenever you want" that she got in that challenge in Guatemala which was pretty much a giant version of that challenge Lance won in this season, and to Boo's and Corinne's "skip the first part of this two-part challenge" rewards in Fiji and Gabon respectively. But anyway.

Survivors ready? Well, we're not, because we have to zoom around and around the boat with our camera first.

Okay, NOW they're ready. First question. How many poles were in the water for that epic failure of a challenge in the first episode? The correct answer is zero, given that they were logs and not poles, but Link will only accept the answer of four. Everybody gets it right. One of the names of the Aboriginal tribes who inhabited this area during Link's Storytime is what? Once again, neither of the actual answers he gave during the challenge (Penggala and Nayo) is an option. Correct answer is supposedly something along the lines of "Parhnkala", and Long Pole Joel is the only one who can read the minds of the increasingly incompetent challenge producers. Everyone else moves back. How many votes did Jeff get when he was voted out? Correct answer is five, and we see all five votes -- from Long Pole Joel, Knob, Sophie, Princess Jane, and Lance -- being made. Interestingly, Knob voted for Jeff, but neither of his major allies at the time did. Guess he's not that close with either of them, then. Sciona's the only one who guessed wrong. Also, I recapped that vote wrong a couple of times I mentioned it. But I am way too lazy to go back and edit the recaps so it doesn't look like Knob is the devil incarnate, so... whatever. How many obstacles were at the obstacle course that caused Kadina to keep Sylvain over Deb (sniff)? This one's also a sucky question, because how do the contestants know if, for example, climbing up that wall is a separate obstacle from sliding down the rope after it? Everybody says there were eight obstacles, but they're wrong, because Link thinks there were seven. Now, Long Pole Joel has four wrong answers left, Knob and Hatie both have three, and Sciona only has two. This challenge could be over pretty quickly, the way we're going.

The next question concerns the mail messages. Oh, joy. What form did the message for the donut platform challenge on Day 5 take? And, no, "form of... an ice bridge!" is not an answer. The correct answer is coloured rocks, as we see. Sciona is the only one to get it wrong, because she thinks it was one of the platform pieces itself. Yeah, not so much. As she takes her final safe step, Link tells her she's "one step away from walking the plank". I thought that that was what they were actually doing throughout the challenge, but what do I know? I only obsess about this show. Long Pole Joel proves that he also obsesses about this show too much, by reciting the message for that challenge. Nerd. By the way, they were able to keep that treemail message around camp until at least the merge (and Kadina used the "Immunity Is Yours" rock to decorate their tribe gate), so there's no real reason for Sciona to have missed that one. Next question: What was the second thing you picked up on the walk to camp on the first day? Again, this depends on whether you count the map as an actual supply. Link doesn't appear to do so and the editors show us images of Long Pole Joel picking up the correct items, blankets and the tarp. The two girls and one of the guys pick A, while the other guy picks B. All of them are wrong, because the tarp and blankets were C. Sciona thinks she's out, and asks for a cattle prodder when Link confirms her suspicions. Link does not oblige, but does take her letter cards from her, in case she accidentally leaves them in a position where fish could learn to read. As you know, the last thing we need in the world at this moment in time is smart seafood. Sciona nervously jumps, and there's a camera underwater to catch the aftereffects of her splash. Nice. There's also a camera high above the contestants providing aerial shots of the contestants still in the game, but the sun glare is really ruining the effect. The water is all shiny and oily looking, and the same sun glare is making it impossible to see the line markings on the planks anywhere where there’s no shadow. This challenge really would have worked better on the land, which it kills me to say, because we've had very few water challenges this season, and at this point I think one was sorely needed. And not only have both elements of the challenge have been done since in the American version -- walking the plank in Pearl Islands and challenge trivia in Vanuatu -- but they were both done as their season's Visiting Loved Ones challenge. Weird.

Next: We remember that Link didn't have any balls during the slingshot challenge, but what colour was Princess Jane's winning ball? The scoreboard is shown, and hers was that weird red colour. Hatie chooses to use her advantage to skip the question, and Long Pole Joel is wrong. But Knob is right, which means he's suddenly in the lead with three steps to go, while Hatie and Long Pole Joel each have two left. The next question is about how many wedges there were in the donut platform challenge. There are two things notable about this question. Firstly, we get a nice time-lapse shot of the twelve pieces being formed together into the donut, and secondly, Link says the challenge was on Day 6, even though just a few questions ago he said it was on Day 5. Idiot. Long Pole Joel is the only one who gets it wrong. In the buried treasure challenge on Day 4, Kadina won a fishing rod and some ice-cold cans of Solo. What else did they win? The correct answer is "a bottle of spicy sauce", and only Knob is right. Long Pole Joel performs a magic trick in which he makes his cards disappear, and then steps off the plank backwards. Does that really make it less scary? Hatie also takes a step back, and is one her last safe space. Knob still has three chances, which means the Link reminder that this is for Immunity was probably done solely to not make us realise this. There's been a question cut out somewhere here, because Knob suddenly only has two steps left instead of three. The question: What colour was Princess Jane's palletoon in the endurance challenge? We are treated to the hilarity of Link teasing her and her green raft with the model boat again. Both think it was purple, but it was green like I said. The purple raft was Sophie's. Hatie looks over the edge of her plank, before Link reaches out to grab her cards. He tells her to jump off, and she stands with her arms cross like she's thinking "How DARE Knob outsmart me! ME!". She whines about how she can't do it, and eventually nervously jumps. Knob barges his way back onto the boat to get the Immunity Pegleg, and looks as though he's about to cry. Do I care? A - Yes, or B - No. Knob unintentionally holds the card with the correct answer, B, up to the camera. Link asks him why he's acting like a four-year-old whose balloon animal popped, and he says he was relieved. Link proves how much he pwns all of these remaining contestants by pointing out that Knob had no real reason to be worried tonight, given that if Hatie won Long Pole Joel would almost certainly have been voted off. When Link points out that this is the first time Knob hasn't failed at life during a challenge, Knob rambles on about having options. Whatever. I'll be sure to let Wall Street know about that as soon as it fixes itself out.

Commercials. Choose your own favourite past commercial break joke to go here.

The tribe walks back to camp, past their Bucket Mail. They head down to the beach, and Sciona confessionals that Hatie never gives up. Yeah, we know. That's part of the reason Craig isn't here instead of you right now. As if to prove Sciona right, we watch as Hatie tries to explain to Long Pole Joel that Sciona and Knob "are gonna vote for one of you or me". Well, obviously. She explains that Long Pole Joel and Hatie need to force a tie in order to keep either of them in the game. Long Pole Joel confessionals that Hatie pointed out the same thing he used to his advantage two episodes ago, prior votes. Sciona has a vote against her already, from Lance, so if they vote together, Sciona will be eliminated based on prior votes. Of course, she does not take into account that Long Pole Joel has not one but FIVE prior votes against him (three from the original vote and two from the tie-breaker in the Princess Jane boot), but that's not important to her, because it doesn't affect her personally. Hatie also tries to say that backstabbing people in order to further his own game is what his family and girlfriend would tell him to do, and I find it hard to believe that she knows his loved ones better than he does. Sciona confessionals AGAIN about how much Hatie loves a good fight. The implied prefixes "cat-", "bitch-", and "scrag-" are all omitted from Sciona's confessional, though. She does add that Hatie is very sharp. Well, at least that matches her pointy ribs now.

The tribe eats their almost-definitely-illegally-undersized abalone (babylone?) catch. I'm sure you can guess how riveting this is for me to watch. And you'd be wrong, because it's only on for a couple of seconds before we move on to something much more fun. Hatie pleads to Sciona about something along the lines of how they could still have a final-two deal. But, as with everything major that happens on this show, it's not entirely clear. What I think Hatie is hoping for is that Knob will vote for her after everything that's happened, which is a dead certainty. Then, by getting Sciona and Long Pole Joel to vote for each other, she's not only guaranteed to stay in this game, but with Knob winning the Immunity Lockpicker and her not voting for herself, whoever she DOES vote for will be going home. Crafty!

But of course, Hatie is not counting on Long Pole Joel to tattle to Knob about her plans. Now, why on EARTH would he do that? If he keeps quiet and Hatie's plan to get rid of Sciona works, he not only has no reason to throw the challenge, but he'll be almost guaranteed to WIN THE GAME.

Think about it for a while: If he votes Sciona out, then wins the last challenge, he picks his own partner. And if he doesn't, he'll get taken anyway, because there's too much spite between the other two now. Then, whomever he takes will have three jury votes against them from the two Kadinas and whoever finishes third. He'll lose the vote from Princess Jane (who actively tried to get rid of him because of his poor social skills). So all he really needs to do is win over one of Lance, Sophie, and Sciona in order to win the money. And you know that even if Princess Jane and Sophie vote for Hatie, Sciona won't. And he would be a millionaire. If he votes for Hatie, she's out, and he has that deal to throw the challenge. If he does, he's out, which would be a worse result for him than what happens in the other scenario. If he wins the challenge anyway, Hatie will vote for him and whoever finishes third will vote against him, cancelling each other out. Then he'll still have to get three out of the five remaining votes. If he goes against Knob, Knob will probably get votes from Lance (who appeared to respect how he was outwitted), Sophie (who had no problem with leaving where she did, despite the final-two deal with Knob), and Princess Jane. Which would mean Knob wins. If he goes against Sciona, he has a chance with Sophie and Lance (hey, look, I can rhyme! They soooooo totally should have put me in charge of writing the Tree/Rock/Bucket Mail messages, because at least I couldn't possibly have done any worse than they did), but he loses Princess Jane's vote anyway. He also loses Knob's vote, and Craig's because of his "warrior" bond with Sciona, therefore meaning he needs all four votes from NoMind, Lance, Sophie, and Hatie. He'll get Hatie's, but the other three are by no means guaranteed. But either way, he'll be basically screwing himself out of a million dollars. Not that screwing himself would be impossible even if no money were on the line.

It's sort of interesting how there are two swing votes here, by the way. Usually at this point you're getting rid if whoever would do best against the jury, but all four of these people have pissed too many people off (not least of all the viewing audience). Which is actually an interesting development for a non-fanfic Survivor, even if there's no way I can be truly happy with the ending.

Back with the main argument, Sciona remains confused about how voting out a likable buff guy now will help her win the money more than voting out a detestable girl who, despite her appearances, has proven herself to be completely pathetic at challenges not involving thought or random luck. Is she seriously that stupid?

The other conversation. Knob whines about how it's Sciona's turn to get yelled at, even though that has nothing to do with what's going on. At all. Like, conversations about cannibalism would actually be more relevant at this point. And why wouldn't Hatie bitch about Sciona in front of everybody?

Pissed Sciona calls Hatie "the single biggest threat to anybody in this game". No, she's NOT. As I just mentioned not four paragraphs ago, if Hatie survives, Sciona is voted out and Long Pole Joel will win, which means Sciona herself is the biggest threat to Long Pole Joel winning. If Hatie gets to the final two, she will lose the votes from the two Kadinas, she will lose the votes from the people voted out tonight and tomorrow night, and she will lose the million dollars. There's no way Hatie can win, which is EXACTLY why you WANT HER to STAY! Twenty million people in Australia in 2001, and THIS was one of the best sixteen people they could find?! Fuck that shit. To put the cherry on top of Hatie's shit sundae, Sciona basically tells her of Long Pole Joel's deal to throw the final challenge. My GOD. Not only is it a stupid idea to tell her that, but you don't even know that he will keep his damn word! This is Survivor, after all. (Exhibit A: One 2008 Ford Super Duty. Exhibit B: Dreamz.) Hatie gives her her best bitchface for a few seconds as she goes about splashing water or something, before sniping that Sciona shouldn't be able to look at her in the mirror every morning. Well, the rest of us can't either, but that's because we poked her eyes out after seeing her both in a swimsuit and later naked. (Sorry for reminding you.)

Big, big wave. Blunt metaphor alert!

Now standing up and in a different location, Sciona mentions the deal. As soon as Hatie sounds nervous and wonders what on earth Andrew O'Keefe has to do with anything (by the way, for "Top Trillion Likeable Game Show Hosts"? He's not on the list!), the camera guy physically gets up and walks down through the rocks to get the money shot. Dude, this person rocks. And in honor of that, it's time to finally give the camera guys their due. So, from the extra-long, extra-fast end credits, we love: Paul "Andrea" Bowen, Matt "Oh, It's Already Been Broughten!" Bronger, Stuart "The Guy So Nice They Named Him Twice" Bruce, Paul "Bang" Croll, Ben "Ji" Herbertson, Dion "Girl Power!" Isaacson, Gregory "King" Kung, Scott "My Three -sons" Richardson, and Nigel "Ladderen" Rungen. And Andrew "Lamest Name Ever" Johnson. And Leo "Mount" Faber.

While I was getting that out of the way, Hatie starts crying. CRYING. And I really wish I hadn't recycled that quote from Miss Alli into the recap already, because it's even more apt here. Apparently, Hatie can't believe that Sciona is finally trying to win the game. Sciona says it's because she made a deal with Knob rather than with her. Well, sure. And you would have voted for her as soon as you realised she had more than one final-two deal in the works instead of waiting for the time when the person who actually has several final-two deals in real life has the Immunity Brain Freeze. Frankly, she was right to not make a final-two deal with you. Sciona and Hatie are both doing their best Alicia impressions (boy, I miss her, compared to the newer Survivor casts). Hatie counts to three and repeats herself as though she is teaching kinder kids. And I suppose she practically is, so I'll give her condescension a pass here.

As we cut to a different shot, Sciona points out that if Hatie's final three plan worked, she would have finished third. Why, Sciona? You had Knob on your side since Day 1, and it's not as though you couldn't even attempt that last Immunity Challenge. Fuck. Hatie points out that she never committed to Sciona, and Sciona uses it to point out that she did commit to Knob. As Hatie correctly points out, she didn't commit to Long Pole Joel, did she? Fuck.

I'm going to have to start bleeping myself if this gets any stupider. ["You'll do no bleeping thing." -- SexySuntannedWhoreBoy]

Hatie wants to know the deal that's causing her boot. Sciona yells right in Hatie's face that she's "been here for thirty-eight or thirty-nine days" (only thirty-seven, lady), and that she's "not gonna change now". Of course not, because it would be stupid to say you're not gonna change your alliances if you haven't done so in, say, the past five days or anything. Sciona says she's not learning anything about the plan. Well, she's already been given enough that we've seen to figure out what's going on, plus probably some more we haven't, so I'd say she should be at least somewhat close to figuring it out. Unless I'm overestimating her abilities again. It's certainly near impossible to underestimate them. Hatie storms off like RaceSister.

Around the pot, Long Pole Joel and Knob are sitting in silence. Did one of them fart or something? All of a sudden, we hear Hatie demand to know if they don't want to hand her the money on a silver platter. She bitches about how Knob is lying to her. Well, duh. Knob tattles on Long Pole Joel's tattling. Sciona butts in and yells some more. This time, it's completely deserved. That redemption arc sure ended abruptly, didn't it? Hatie Blagojeviches about how they should all listen to her, and I really want to see how she'll bullshit her way out of being accused of bullshitting people. It's like watching Connex and the Victorian Government blame each other about train meltdowns. But I don't even get that small luxury, because Knob continues tear shreds into this poor defenseless uberbitch. Brilliantly, the sound editors catch Long Pole Joel ignoring the whole feud and talking about how their food isn't ready yet. He's a little bit funny. Now, if only we could get him to stop fucking elevator shafts long enough to tell some big dick jokes.

Knob tries to claim that it's only because of Long Pole Joel that "we've" made it this far, which is complete bullshit. Had the girls had their way, Long Pole Joel would have been voted out instead of Princess Jane, and at least one of you would still be here anyway. Probably both, because at that point Hatie was still thinking in terms of the Complicated Alliance Of Eternal Overplanning, and would still have been unaware of Sciona's and your final-two deal, and would have booted Princess Jane next. So you'd still be here. Not only that, but he does it while ignoring all bar two words of Hatie's question. Fuck off, Knob.

The argument returns to Long Pole Joel being told to vote for Sciona, and Hatie points out that she never explicitly said the words "Vote For Sciona", which was true. And as she points out, she only told him that they would need to force a tie to save him. Which could only save him if they voted for Sciona. But the point is she only implied that they needed to vote for Sciona. Knob points out that there was no need for Hatie to try and get Long Pole Joel's vote in an effort to get him out of third place, because of the deal he had with Knob and Sciona. Which would have resulted in him leaving in third place. Not seeing the logic here. Hatie calls Knob "a habitual liar", which is true. Sciona once again butts in and points out Hatie has lied too. Again, true, but BUTT OUT, SCIONA. You've had your argument with Hatie. Hell, even Knob's had his. Wouldn't you like to try and see Long Pole Joel be nasty and catty? Hatie claims she's told exactly one lie throughout the course of the game. And excluding all the other lies she's told, she's right. But Knob's lying is "habitual and perpetual and continuous", while she's only lied to Long Pole Joel and to Lance. Which makes two, not one. Sciona tries to claim she also lied to Long Pole Joel. Lady, his cock might be gigantic, but it does not count as a separate person. Shut up. Sciona bawls her eyes out and says she doesn't even want to see the rest of the tribe. Well, that'll make Tribal Council fun, won't it?

Hatie checks the name on the coat she picks up as she makes a sarcastic speech about how well everyone else has played, then walks up the hill. It looks like it's the same hill from Craig's Adventures With The Bees, so if we're lucky, they might still be around. The camera follows Hatie as she walks all the way home, against the sunset. But then it's light again all of a sudden, so I don't know what's going on there. She provides a walking confessional about how everyone else is scared of her. And, yes. Sciona admitted as such. But, quite frankly, I'm more scared of being cannibalised by Knob, or of having to watch Sciona naked again, or of choking on Long Pole Joel than I am of you. Hatie is trying to convince herself it was all a bad dream. And here I was, thinking Killer Fatigue could only show up on TAR.

Back at the shore, Knob decides that, having reduced Hatie to tears, it's now time to start talking over the person who backed him up. Such a pleasant man.

More shots of Hatie crying, over tinkly music. She calms down enough to tell us that, while the game is about lying to people, she didn't think anyone would want to lie to HER. No, of course not.

The three people at the shore discuss how Hatie is such a sore loser.

Spur-of-the-moment Hatie confessional. She tells us that she's always looking for a way to win, but now it seems impossible. And then she says it. "Maybe I could... kill one of them." Officially, not good. Unofficially, I would at the very least not protest two out of the three possible murders.

The sun sets. On Hatie's chances of winning. Blunt metaphor alert!

Commercials. Saw the promo for Celebrity Singing Bee last night. Rob Mills looks even more like a tool than usual singing You Can't Stop The Music in his oversized construction worker hat. But that other guy looks completely comfortable in the leatherman's hat. Huh. The things you learn about people when you don’t expect to. (Give me a break; I didn't actually mock the damn Village People.)

Cliffs and another sunset shot. We are finally at the first of three Tribal Councils of the episode, which seems a little late in coming. Normally, we'd be at least up to the Torch Walk Of Booted Losers by now. The tribe walks in, and Link sounds bored. He must not know yet what's happened today. Link points out something Jeff Probst never does, that the jury outnumbers the players. Sobering thought, especially considering who's on which side of that fence. NoMind is in a denim jacket and pants. Craig has jeans and a blue Hawaiian shirt, which really brings out his eyes. All one-point-two millimetres of them. Princess Jane is dressed for the races, and is already in a cardigan roughly the colour of beer-induced vomit, which will help. Lance has on black shorts and a yellow short. Sophie has... ew. She has blue jeans, mixed with a pink crop top, and a green jumper tied loosely around her neck. I would take that jumper away and tie it around the neck of whoever decided THAT combination worked well together. Tightly.

Knob, you stopped sucking at challenges today. How does that make you feel? Knob rants about how he's comfortable with how he played the game. Which he isn't, if he has to turn a question about how he feels about winning the Immunity Chainsaw Buttplug into that. Now listen closely here. He says, clear as day, that he DOESN'T believe he's been able to separate personal emotions from the game itself. Which is the exact opposite of what he's said at least once during this game. And he's proud of it. Of course, the editors cut to Hatie looking sad. Shortly after, the editors cut to Lance, looking bored. Then to Sophie, looking tired. Lance And Sophie: Representing Raceguy's Emotions Since Three Seconds Ago. Knob closes his Whine Of The Week by saying he didn't expect to not hate people. Coincidentally, I was expecting to not hate you, too. Guess we were both wrong. Hatie, if you got stuck with the rest of your fellow losers again, would you? Not without crying. But otherwise, yes. Knob looks fed up. Sophie has a glazed-over look, and I am half-expecting to see her cradled in the arms of a hot shirtless guy and posing for a Mills & Boon cover the next time we cut to her. (Take it off, Craig!) Hatie really takes the jilted lover vibe she's going for here a little too far. Craig also appears fed up, but that may just be his smouldering eyes, which seriously make him look like he's trying to hypnotise the fake mast into falling down and stopping anyone else from crossing over to the jury side. Princess Jane just looks regal. Time for a new question: Long Pole Joel, how do you feel knowing that you have a chance at the half a million dollars some sponsor randomly ponied up since the last Tribal Council? Who cares, because this Tribal Council is really about facial emotions. And Link gets off a whopper right after finishing the question. Observe:

Besides, Long Pole Joel rants about his lack of knowledge about the Complicated Alliance Of Eternal Overplanning anyway. Link asks a follow up question, and he says he was happy he was outsmarted. Yeah. Not winning an IQ test, this guy. Sciona, justify not being the pawn in the chess game you think this game is. Wow. Great question. Really. Much better than his usual standard. But Sciona still bitches about how she's playing chess, but not as a piece on the board. Well, it does figure she'd go for the most boring role possible, and being that giant stopwatch professionals play chess with seems to be perfect for her. Sciona also goes on about how she doesn't know what the jury is voting for, and when she says it could be on who has done best at challenges, Long Pole Joel raises his eyebrows. More than once. HA! Take that, Terry!

Since Princess Jane is rubbing her hair again, it must be time to vote. Hatie votes, on the edge of tears. Sciona votes with a bitchface. Knob votes, jangling the Immunity Bling all the way like the attention-seeking jerk he is. Long Pole Joel votes with no emotion on his face. Just like usual.

Link grabs the votes and returns. One for Hatie. Surprise! And another for Hatie. And one for Long Pole Joel. Which must be Hatie's, which means she must have checked out of the game for real during that argument. The last vote is for Hatie, and is enough to boot her. Buh-bye. Hatie takes her snuff like a man. A really, really emotional man, but a man nonetheless. No shocks there. What is surprising is that she wishes the remaining contestants the best of luck as she walks off the "boat". Link reminds them of the big challenge tomorrow, and sends them back to camp.

Without Hatie's final words, we cut from an aerial shot of Tribal Council back to Crown Casino, which has apparently been infected with The Clap. Eddie asks how good this episode of Survivor this is, and I'm not particularly sure he wants to know that two people yelling at another until the latter threatens murder does not make the show particularly enjoyable. Apparently, people are hugging, crying, making out, and touching each other backstage. And that's only Craig and Long Pole Joel. Eddie compares the studio atmosphere to a rock concert. Only if it's by The Wiggles. Of course, the audience claps at that.

It turns out the reason we didn't get Hatie's final words is because Eddie is going to interview her right now. This certainly won't be affected by all her bad publicity AT ALL! There is much clapping. Shut up, audience. Go back to Rent-A-Crowd. Hatie walks out waving and wearing a horrible see-through shawl. Thankfully, she is also wearing a boob tube. Eddie asks why she keeps crying, and she self-deprecatingly (I KNOW!) points out how enjoyable it is "to have a nervous breakdown on national TV". Hee. Eddie asks how she thinks she appeared, and then answers the question himself by talking about how loudly the audience was cheering when she was snuffed. She extends on his answer and the audience laughs at her self-deprecation. I get the feeling that if we had seen “I suck!” Hatie, rather than "Nobody's going to try and stop ME from winning MY money! MINE!" Hatie, she would have been almost as popular as Craig. She really is almost endearing here. Hatie's family is in the front row. All five of them. And isn't that the worst possible set of seats they could have?

Hatie is asked to take a seat on stage where she can be laughed at by the audience for the next little while until someone else gets booted. She alludes to Long Pole Joel possible reneging on the deal, which would definitely make me happy. Eddie comments that Long Pole Joel looks dumb. The audience laughs. Eddie? You're not exactly the picture of intelligence yourself, what with being able to help exactly one Millionaire contestant get the right answer to a question over the however many years you hosted it. (And even then, it was someone you worked with.) And let's not even mention 1 Vs. 100. The audience claps as Hatie takes her seat.

Teaser shots of the final three and the jury sitting around. But Link gets to walk around with the Immunity G-String. If only Craig were wearing it.

Commercials. In the Nein Newsroom tonight: Static.

Sunrise.

Windmill. Sciona gets the water and confessionals that she feels and acts a lot younger than she is. Which is convenient, because she looks a lot older than she is, so I guess it evens out. Sciona calls herself "a female version of Peter Pan". Except she doesn't even bother to put on the green tights. Knob would make a funny Tinkerbell, though.

Long Pole Joel grabs some sprouts from the ground and eats them. He confessionals that you can't vote someone out without a reason, then lives up to his university graduate reputation by becoming lost for words. Turns out Long Pole Joel has no problems being selfish to win.

Knob spends hours sitting in the same basic spot on the cliffs, which the editors thankfully turn into a time-lapse shot. Brilliantly, they also put the confessional voice-over of him saying "I'm tired" right on top of a shot of him lying down. Hee. Knob, now lying down in an actual confessional, says he's packed his bags no matter what. Yeah. Right. Knob says he doesn't know what challenge it is. Well, of course that won't matter, what with Long Pole Joel agreeing to throw it and all.

Speaking of the challenge, we get shots of three tiny tin sheds, each missing the roof and two walls. There is firewood, and there is one of those yellow "elimination discs" from that wonderful challenge Lance won. And lanterns. There is not, however, a tree mail. WOO! But couldn't we have skipped some of the 26 messages before this one while we were at it?

As the tribe walks in, Link dispenses with his normal greeting, to show how big a deal this is. He makes each of them choose a shed. When they're done, Link makes them plonk their arses down on the disc inside the shed. He takes the Immunity Kindling back from Knob. Now he greets them and tells them this is their final challenge. Thanks for the heads up. SexySuntannedWhoreBoy thought they were all getting lapdances from midgets. Link says that the challenge is worthy of having the jury show up to watch. Firstly, we'll be the judges of that. Secondly, if you can't tell where this is heading, you need to watch this show some more. The jury walks past the sheds in Mighty Ducks formation, and it almost looks like Hatie is STILL crying.

The challenge itself is very simple. Use the materials in your shed to make a fire, and use the fire to light a lantern. Then, because it's Day 38, hang the lit lantern from a small section of covering on top of the shed as close to 38 minutes after the challenge starts as you can. Becky and Sundra would be so screwed at this. Oh, and no talking. Way to remove any lingering chance this challenge has of being interesting, producers.

The sun is glary.

Survivors ready? MAKE! Sciona and Long Pole Joel make fire, but Knob sits around, rocking himself to sleep. Someone tries to start their fire with kindling. Craig and NoMind watch intently. Or, as intently as you can without wanting to punch one of these people in the face.

After seven-and-a-half minutes, Long Pole Joel has his fire. Sciona also has hers. Knob continues sitting around. Boy, this is really moving fast. Sciona leans over her fire to make a mark on the shed wall, while Long Pole Joel gets a nice faceful of smoke.

Sophie is trying her best to look like she cares, but she's doing as poorly as SexySuntannedWhoreBoy and I were when we watched this the first time.

Sciona continues making her fire.

Knob has at least picked up his kindling. Thank God for small mercies.

Link reminds them -- Knob especially, presumably -- that you can light the lantern whenever you want, but your time stops when you hang it up.

Long Pole Joel lights his lantern. Sciona has hers done, too. Knob? Still playing with kindling. And I thought Long Pole Joel was the one who was throwing this challenge.

At 9 minutes and 30 seconds, Long Pole Joel hangs up his lantern, and his chance of winning this game.

The sun is just as stroby as before.

At 25 minutes, Link walks past the sheds with the necklace, just to remind the players how ugly it is. He says that whoever is closest to 38 minutes wins Immunity.

Princess Jane moves her hair out of her face.

Knob has finally started actually trying to make his fire, only twenty minutes after Long Pole Joel and Sciona finished.

Knob has fire, and hangs it up immediately. 32 minutes, 25 seconds. Even the music at this point has given up.

Everybody sits around. Remember, at this point, we're just waiting for Sciona to hang up her lantern.

38 minutes. Sciona looks at her fire. And rocks herself to sleep.

Apparently, we have a winner. Thank God. Link tells Long Pole Joel his time, 9 minutes 33 seconds -- which is different than we were shown. Hilariously, Link seems more than a little annoyed that Long Pole Joel didn't even try to win that much. I think he wasn't expecting someone to throw away the money at this point in the game. Sciona still hasn't put her lantern up, and it's now 46 minutes since she began. Knob's time is exactly the same as we were shown. And he wins the Most Boring Challenge Ever. Sort of surprising, given he was against Sciona. Knob gets the Immunity Thing handed to him. Hatie looks pissed.

[Edited to add: I cannot possibly mention anything about fires at the moment and not mention the horrific events of the last week or so. Sadly I can’t do anything to help fix the situation, but: Get well soon, Victoria.]

And now we finally find out why the jury is here. They're not going to go to Tribal Council tonight, and instead Knob must vote someone out right now, in front of their face. Knob makes a little speech about how Long Pole Joel was the antithesis of himself in terms of gameplay. Well, yes, given Long Pole Joel didn't really make me want to slap him until a couple of episodes ago. Knob pleads to the jury, which really should not have been allowed. In the least surprising plot development all season, though it does have some fierce competition, Knob takes Sciona with him and votes out Long Pole Joel. Sciona grabs Long Pole Joel and forces him into a group hug.

As Knob and Sciona head back to camp, we return to Crown. Audience status: Still high. Boy, that was a short segment. Eddie wonders the same thing I did, about whether throwing away the million dollars was a dumb move, and I think we can all agree that it was. Long Pole Joel walks out on stage. He is wearing the ugliest possible combination of shirt, pants, and shoes. Unless the shirt was a Collingwood jersey. (Hi Eddie!) Eddie wants to know what the deal was about. I normally wouldn't blame him for not watching this dreck, but he really needs to watch it if he's hosting the last episode. Long Pole Joel unnecessarily explains it for Eddie, and uses a lot of hand gestures. Halfway through Eddie trying to point out the stupidity of the deal, the audience claps. Eddie tells them off. Hee. He's no Gretel Killeen, but he's good at shutting up an audience. Eddie points out that he still wound up with nothing, and didn't even get food or comfort for those extra five days, so it was pointless. Long Pole Joel says he was there to push himself to his limits, and that's what Survivor's about.

Look, I get that you never went out there for the money, and that's admirable and all, but frankly, you should never have made it as far as you did if that was the case. More than even Princess Jane, YOU are the one person from Tipara who didn't deserve to make it as far as you did. Princess Jane was at least an outer member of the alliance and would have finished fifth if it weren’t for you. Some people might see that as you worming your way into the alliance, but because you didn't even figure out that there WAS an alliance until Lance got the boot, I don't. Not only that, but even ignoring the alliance, you played a ridiculously poor social game. It's really only because Knob and Sciona were perfectly willing to cause Hatie to spaz out like she did (and they must have known something would have happened after her reactions to Craig) that you are here. Especially since there were other people who wanted to play the game more, but got booted early. Fuck off.

As if to show their lack of knowledge of the game, the audience claps when Long Pole Joel tells them his integrity was valued at more than half a million dollars. I can't possibly be the only one wondering if it was worth less than the full million dollars you'd get on the American version. Long Pole Joel is asked whether he ever thought about whether he should not throw that challenge. He says he hasn't. The audience claps.

Long Pole Joel hugs Hatie.

Eddie reminds us someone else will still win the money, but then changes battle plans completely and introduces each of the jury members. NoMind is wearing a simple black shirt. Craig is hot no matter what he wears, but especially in the pectastic shirt he has on. Lance is ignored, but is later shown in a yellow shirt and white jeans. Jane is wearing lime green. Sophie has a black dress that really shows off her rack. Don't blame me, I didn't edit this.

Lance kisses Hatie. There goes his credibility.

Eddie reminds us how the jury works, as though we hadn't already gotten that from Link throughout the episode, and then tells us that we'll be getting the last Tribal Council after the break. I have this strange feeling we're missing something, but I can't remember what it is. The audience claps. Shut up, audience.

We see aerial footage of Knob and Sciona walking along the cliffs. Boring.

Commercials. I miss back when The Simpsons was good.

After some basic Seaside Stock Shots, we see Knob and Sciona walking. Hey, it's Kadina's camp! Why are they here? Knob, of course, bitches about how Kadina was able to get rid of all the dirt from their camp. As he does, the camera closes in on a Tribal Council torch. Oh. This must the Torch Walk Of Booted Losers. I'm actually happy they put it here instead of before the final challenge, because it always annoys me that the last few players are remembering the eliminated people when one of them is still to be snuffed. And it sort of makes sense to start at Kadina; given so many people got booted so early.

Anyway, Lucindork. We see her taking her top off again, and suggesting about the blanket thing, and losing the tiebreaker challenge (stupid badly made fires). Knob says it must have felt horrible to have gone through all the auditions and still have gotten booted after three days. Well, in all fairness, she did vote for herself. I'm not sure it was that horrible for her. Lucindork is shown telling everyone that she's the weakest link. Goodbye.

Tim, Tim, Tim. Completely unmemorable, right down to the clips of him tying knots. Knob says Kadina would have missed him when he left, and I agree, if only because he would have won the next challenge for them.

Bald Spice suuuuuuucked. And still does. Knob tells us Bald Spice was always sick. Sciona says she think he had trouble out here.

Deb. I love Deb. We get shots of Deb just being awesome. She was really like the female Craig. But haven't we missed Jeff? Sciona says she wants to "get to know Deb" as soon as she gets out of this godforsaken hellhole, because of how determined she was at the obstacle course. Well, sure, judge a person's worth based solely on how they perform at an obstacle course. But we do get to see a shot of Deb landing on her sore ankle after the rope swing, which I don't think we saw during the original episode. Interesting.

Less interesting? Sylvain. Knob reminds us again that he won the car but can't drive. Shut up, Knob. We see Sylvain winning again. Sciona says she remembers him losing the bungy challenge. Boring.

And now we're into the People These Two Actually Met section, with Caren. There are a couple of shots of Caren looking happy, but not a lot else. And Knob and Sciona only say that she had "a lot of energy". If anyone has ever been more dudded by one of these Loser Walks, I have yet to see it.

NoMind. Knob liked her because she played Aussie Rules. The jury's still out on why he likes Long Pole Joel, then. I'm guessing penis envy. NoMind is shown kicking her football. Knob tells us she never gave up, even when she knew she was going home.

And the one I've been waiting to see. Craig. We see him talking to Sciona, and Sciona mentions that she made "just such a connection" with him, and that she loves his fighting spirit. Craig runs with a flare and then grins like a monkey, as Knob mentions the fire rod Immunity Challenge. But Knob also takes the opportunity to point out how scared he was of Craig. Not in such a direct way, of course.

The final two walk back to Tipara. Knob bitches about the campsite.

Jeff's torch finally shows up. And so do the boring clips of him snoring. Knob mentions his snoring, Sciona doesn't say anything.

When they get to Lance's torch, Sciona mentions how he was so good at getting food. Probably legally, too. Just like the yoga clips. But we also have to endure his Speedo. Ew. Also ew? Sciona talks about integrity.

Princess Jane gets clips of her actually doing work, which I definitely appreciate. Sciona remembers always talking about recipes with Princess Jane. Which she didn't actually do, because she was too busy swimming naked. We also see her quote-unquote "excellent" bargaining skills for chocolates.

Knob thinks Sophie is not happy with him. I would think it was Long Pole Joel she was pissed off with, if anyone. Knob claims she came to him with the final-two deal, rather than the other way around, which showed how much she clearly wanted to win. Sciona respects Sophie. And I respect the shot of her falling over.

Oh, this'll be fun. Hatie. There is a stunned silence, as though they're both thinking "How dare the producers ruin our final day by making us remember this bitch!" Sciona eventually opens up and says Hatie is a younger version of her. Poor Hatie. More shots of Hatie at the challenges, as Sciona whines about determination. Knob provides the startling revelation that she didn't cope very well with not being the center of attention. Colour me shocked.

Long Pole Joel's long pole is seen, but sadly it's the one with the torch at the end. When did he get snuffed, anyway? As he raps on the palletoon, Knob and Sciona both talk about how his starting to play the game six days before the end got them to the final two. Convenient. Just as we heard Lucindork talk at the start, we hear Long Pole Joel talk at the end. They've chosen to use his quote about wanting to stay, which makes me think the editors hate his quitting as much as I do. Love you too, editors.

The waves are less turbulent than they have been, which I suppose is some sort of Blunt Metaphor for how there's no way the rest of this episode can be enjoyable. Blunt metaphor alert!

Eventually, a helicopter shot zooms in so we can see Knob and Sciona. Sciona reflects on the friendships she's made. She says the one's she'll get the most out of are her friendships with Knob, Craig, and Hatie. SexySuntannedWhoreBoy has this horrible vision of them all visiting her at the same time. Better hide the cutlery.

There are more scenic helicopter shots, as Sciona calls Whaler's Way "simply stunning". Well, of course she says it NOW. I guarantee she wouldn't have said it if she was still in the mud at Tipara's old camp. By the way, it's only right here during this confessional that I notice she has two buffs on. I am stupid.

Epic music, more helicopter shots. Knob confessionals that he's going to the Final Tribal Council to "have some fun with it". So, the exact opposite of how you've been throughout the entire game then. He says the jury questions won't mean anything, but he's looking forward to seeing how mean Hatie and Sophie are going to be. Knob says that if he doesn't win, he'll be fine with it, because he's been himself. So, you're an annoying, jerky, lying fuckwit with a penchant for cannibalism discussion then? Good to know.

Knob and Sciona are STILL walking, believe it or not.

Commercials. I guess they must have sold out of that water Jeff was selling. Or gone out of business. Probably the second one.

Back from the break, Knob and Sciona finally turn up at Tribal Council. Where it's so windy the bottom of Link's shirt is threatening to quit the show too. The jury is already in place. As you already know, Craig looks hot. When Knob and Sciona sit down, Link congratulates them for making it as far as they did. He says this is "probably one of the most important moments" of the game. I don't know, 5:14am on Day 6 was pretty important.

Sophie and Princess Jane look bored. As they have been ever since they were voted out.

Link exposits about how the jury decides who gets money. He says he doesn't need to tell the jury how important they are, and then does exactly that.

Long Pole Joel looks like an angry serial killer. NoMind looks cold. Lance does not look like either.

Unlike in the American version, Knob and Sciona do not get the chance to make an opening statement. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Yeah, it's usually boring, but on the other hand, it means we'll probably get the finalists Sarah Palin-ing their answers so they can talk about whatever they want.

Regardless of what I actually think, it's time for NoMind to ask her question. She wants to know why, given that you were never any good at challenges, and admitted lying to the other members of your tribe, you deserve her vote. As we knew would happen, Knob is very defensive right from the beginning, but does not take the obvious route of telling NoMind she has to vote for one of them, so she should just suck it up and deal. He does instead say that he expected everyone else to be just as despicable as he has been. Well, sure, THAT justifies your actions. He also implies that you should never play Monopoly with his brothers. Sciona once again calls this a game of chess. I think her just saying that Knob was right was her own checkmate.

A fire burns brightly, as Craig gets up to ask his question. Craig's question is stupid. It pains me to say it, but it is. Without comparing yourself to the other finalist, what did they do that you wouldn't? Sciona once again says Knob did everything right. Can you tell who's going to win yet? Knob says Sciona was worried about being old, and became overbearing to compensate for that. He also reckons she played the game "as hard as anyone else did"; by which I assume he means "not much at all".

More fire. Hatie. Yay, time for the bitchy jury! Hatie reminds us she won three challenges in a row, and then reminds us of the rewards she won. She complains that they "accepted her generosity" with every intention of voting her out. I don't know what she's on about here, because I specifically remember her whining in a confessional about how everyone else automatically assumed she was sharing her chicken. But whatever. She wants to know whether Knob and Sciona think they played the game with "greed, dishonour, and cowardice". What sort of person would honestly say they were a greedy lying coward? Everybody always rationalises their actions to make them seem as though they were doing the right thing. Underworld gangsters? Killed my family first. Ex-girlfriends? Revenge for being cheated on. But enough about why this is a stupid question, it's time to hear Knob and Sciona beg for forgiveness. Sciona blames Hatie for thinking the social game and the political game are intertwined. Which they are. You're not going to form an alliance on Day 1 or Day 2 with the most annoying person on your tribe, and then keep it until the end. She also thinks Hatie does not know the difference between "betrayed" and "outplayed". Blah blah semanticcakes. But Sciona still wants to be friends! Blecch. Hatie looks disgusted, and I don't blame her one bit. Knob points out that she told him she was physically ill to have to share the chicken with her, and a whole bunch of other crap about his own poor social skills he takes special care not to mention. And he feels bad that she feels bad. Well, of course he does, because she's not giving him her vote. Hatie to Knob, with a frozen expression: "You're as cold as ice, you're willing to sacrifice... our love". Okay, not so much. She actually compares what happened to her to being tripped up by a training partner during the last few minutes of a race. Long Pole Joel seems interested for once. He must like bitchy jury speeches as much as I do. Knob looks resigned to his fate of being Hatie's scapegoat. When she mentions he hasn't earned the right to win, she shuts up and he whines about how he's older than she is, and weaker than both her and Craig. He uses both of them as an excuse to justify his betraying the Complicated Alliance Of Eternal Overplanning. Which is stupid, because Craig was already voted out by that point, and, as Link pointed out, the post-merge challenges were more based on brainpower than brawn. Fuckwit.

Sadly, there's almost no chance of more bitterness from Lance. Actually, Hatie's really the only person on this jury who I think would get snide with these two. Shame. Lance mentions how they talked about friendships and all that crap, and wants to know the "single most positive thing" Knob and Sciona learned about themselves. This could be hard for Knob, because he already thinks he's perfect and the sun shines out of his arse. Knob credits Lance for showing him how immoral he was and how he needed more faith in his son. Or something. He's clearly bullshitting for Lance's vote, and it's not making sense. Sciona was surprised to learn about how such a diverse group of people were able to get along so well, but that she had to look hard to notice that.

I'm sorry, but did I miss the memo about the diversity? And did Mark Burnett, too? From an interview he gave to the Herald Sun in the lead-up to All-Stars (February 4th, 2004, for those playing along at home): "The producers did not think about having, say, an Aborigine, a Queensland farmer, perhaps a gay guy from Sydney and an Australian rules football star. [...] They should have celebrated all that is different about Australians." Okay, I might have missed the memo about the multiculturalism, but we actually DID have three of those four examples. Knob used to play for Hawthorn in the AFL, Bald Spice was a gay guy from Sydney, and we definitely had a cast-member who was part-Aboriginal: Craig. And that quote really makes you wonder if Burnett uses similar stereotypes to try and piece together a cast for his version, which would make sense given how we seem to get a bunch of recruited professional competitors all of a sudden (Gary in Guatemala, Jean-Robert and Frosti in China, Crystal in Gabon). Ugh. But moving on.

Commercials. Why the hell are they bothering to make a prequel to the Da Vinci Code movie?

It's dark all around Tribal Council, but not on the boat. Princess Jane wants to know what you'll do with the money if you win, and will you buy her this adoooorable dress she found in Port Lincoln? Sciona loves Leonardo Da Vinci, and wants to start a charity named after him, because Australia doesn't spend enough money on smart people. Never mind all the funding the CSIRO gets. And universities. And private schools. Knob claims she wants to get his mother-in-law out of Zimbabwe, because his wife is worried. Well, then maybe she should have auditioned instead. Look, I know about all the political trouble in Zimbabwe, but it's no excuse to be such a whiny, self-centered jerk. You will not be surprised to learn that Knob does not mention anything else he will do with the money, like maybe... making a documentary about, say, a football player like, oh, I don't know, Shane Crawford. Or anything like that.

After another fire shot, it's time for Sophie to ask. Which means that, just like NoMind was shown asking her question out of order in that challenge she won, everyone except Hatie asked their question in the order they were booted. Which makes no sense here, because wouldn't the editors try to put the jury speech we all want to see right at the very END, not near the beginning? Sophie's question is the same one someone always winds up asking: Why does the other person deserve to win? Lance looks impressed with this stock-standard question. Knob thinks that Sciona is very capable and smart, for someone so old. You will notice he makes no mention of her actual gameplay. Sciona thinks Knob always gave a lot of effort, and suffered when "some tribe members" (the editors cut to Hatie) felt "betrayed". But he was always able to separate the game from real life, HATIE.

Long Pole Joel is our final juror and his question is the lamest of all. Any regrets? Sciona says she's got none and she "came into this game, um, wanting to win it, determined to give everything I had, and [she's] done that". I think she might be counting her chickens before they hatch, there. Knob regrets not staying with his kid. Then he should have stayed with his kid. Get off my screen.

Link sits down on the voting keg pedestal, and tells them it's time to vote. So, no closing speech either. If it was almost any two other players, I'd say that was bad, but I'm just happy I don't have to recap Knob and Sciona talking any more. ["Until the reunion." -- SexySuntannedWhoreBoy] Long Pole Joel votes. Hatie votes. Sophie votes. Princess Jane daintily walks up the gangplank and votes, Lance jogs up and votes. Craig votes. NoMind votes. Hey, don't we normally see at least one of the votes? Instead, we have to watch Knob and Sciona look constipated. Link heads off to get the votes. Rather than do the Probstian explanation of "Wait Until We're Back Home, Suckers!", Link just walks up the Snuffee Gangplank.

We cut back to Crown (clap clap clap). Eddie tries to make it seem as though everybody was really harsh on Knob and Sciona, but really it was only Hatie who had anything even approaching "Not Boring" to say. Clap clap clap. The jury, where Princess Jane is clapping halfheartedly. Eddie explains that four votes is enough to win "one half a million dollars" [sic]. And the car, in case you had forgotten that Ford? Is A Sponsor.

Knob and Sciona are introduced. Clap clap clap. They both look ridiculously pleased with themselves. Eddie asks Sciona if she thinks she won. It's bad enough he didn't watch the twelve episodes before this, but at least pay attention to something that happened three minutes ago. Sciona recycles the tiddly winks line. The audience tries to find it funny. She thinks it's still anybody's game. Aside from the fourteen people voted out. And Link. And the crew. And everyone else who wasn't involved in the show at all. Knob is asked the same question. He doesn't. He says he "probably hurt some people", and the jury is shown. Hatie is not, strangely. Both of you, were you surprised that you were edited like such dickheads? Sciona didn't care how she came out; she just "went out there to have fun". Knob is confused by this strange concept Sciona calls "fun". Knob doesn't care either. Clap clap laugh. Eddie congratulates them both on being so ignorant. He orders the audience to clap clap clap.

Eddie mentions Link was the only other person who was out there for 39 days. As Link comes out with the voting keg, Eddie exposits that he has the voting keg. Just in case you thought he has the beer inside attached to a drip in his arm. Clap clap clap. Link smiles widely. He's wearing white pants. Dude, white pants do not work on guys. Eddie congratulates him on managing to walk all the way to the stage without falling over. Which, as you remember, Eddie couldn't even do, and he was sober. Supposedly. Link confirms that he doesn't know and doesn't want to know who won. Me neither. Can we call this show off now and not reward either of these two fuckers? Eddie tries to use the fact that they're in a casino to justify seeing the votes. How will that help you cheat at Blackjack or Roulette? Link reminds Eddie that he was down the other end of the "boat", and doesn't know who voted for whom. Neither do we. Eddie takes the chance to ask Link what he thought of Australian Survivor compared to the American version, and if ever you were going to find an Aussie who didn't think it was crap, this is it.

One video to go. Woo! ["Until the reunion." -- SexySuntannedWhoreBoy] ["Quit ruining my fun." -- LessSexySuntannedRaceguy]

Link implies that the friendships made on the American version are fake, and that tonight was really all about "that raw emotion of real relationships falling apart". In the form of death threats. Fun for all the family! You will notice that he does not specifically compare it to the American version, which is undoubtedly what Eddie wanted to know. Eddie points out it's time to count the votes, and reminds everyone of the stakes again. Then he says what we all knew was coming as soon as we heard he was hosting.

"Right after the break."

Link laughs. The audience clap clap claps.

Commercials. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Clap clap clap. It sounds like someone's trying to play music over the audience, but they're just clap clap clapping too damn loudly and fakely.

Link welcomes us back, and in eight words he's already proven he's more competent at hosting live television than Eddie. Link calls Australian Survivor "one of the toughest competitions ever held on Australian television". And aside from all those pesky American reality shows, and a couple of Aussie shows for much less money, he's right.

Four votes to win, remember?

Link asks who bothered to turn up to cheer for them. Knob has his wife, parents, and some assorted stragglers. Link sarcastically points out that Knob can't get votes from any of them, so he can stop pointing out whenever he's ready. Sciona has almost her whole family, including some from Houston, and fewer assorted stragglers. Her much more famous nephew is not present. Do you think you've done enough to win? Knob thinks he hasn't. Sciona is still trying to figure out why the jury voted for who they did.

Link confirms that the jury was told to vote for whomever "was most deserving, and played the better game." He goes to start reading the votes, but realises he forgot a crucial mention of the car, so reiterates the prizes. Fucking up the name of the car in the process. Hee. The barrel has been kept safe for six months, and nobody knows the outcome. Aside from, I assume, the editors, the producers, and whichever camera guy was manning the camera under that net during the final Tribal Council. But aside from that, nobody knows. Link reminds Knob and Sciona they want to see their name on the paper.

And it's finally time to read the damn vote. Clap clap clap. Knob and Sciona hold hands. First vote: Knob. Clap clap clap. Sciona. Clap clap clap. Knob. Sciona. Clap clap clap. Link is doing his best to read these slowly, without actually pausing to pretend the votes mean anything to him. It's really unnervingly funny. Rob. Clap clap clap. Two each. Link pauses to ask how the final two are feeling, and Knob whines about how tense he's pretending it is. Link provides perhaps the best quote of the entire season amidst all the clap clap clapping: "I learned from Eddie." I think Link is really underrated. He's like the male Ajay Rochester: very boring when reading from a script, very funny when he's not. Laugh laugh laugh. Knob mocks Link's shaky hands. Link says he's "nervous about this", but whether he's referring to reading the votes or to fucking up the product placement remains to be seen. Vote #5 is for Knob. As if you couldn't tell from the shot of his wife. Three for Knob, four for Sciona, four to win. "The winner... of Australian Survivor... is [Knob]!"

Crap. Crappity crap-crap crap-crap-crap. Clap clap clap.

Sciona hugs him and congratulates him. His family cheers. The jury applauds. Long Pole Joel couldn't look happier if he was full of Botox. As his family storms the stage for no reason, Knob gets a hug from Link. Link hugs his wife, as the camera cuts to a wide shot of Link hugging Sciona. What, no handshake? There's a whole bunch of hugging and applause (clap clap clap), and it's hard not to notice that NoMind looks pissed. HA! I am so over people pretending to be happy with the winner. Long Pole Joel hugs Knob. Then Hatie does. Knob's wife is still in the audience. Blunt metaphor alert! Eddie tells us that the reunion is after the break. Oh, great. Another hour.

We finally see how the jury voted. Long Pole Joel voted for Knob for being "the strongest player". He says Knob should be proud, which is a bit hypocritical coming from him, who was always going on about integrity. Hatie voted for Sciona. Boy, there's a shocker. She says it was because of her "survival skills", but we all know it was because She Was Not Knob. Sophie voted for Knob, calling him a "dirty rotten scoundrel", which makes the audience laugh. She has no hard feelings, clearly. Princess Jane voted for Knob, because he "saved [her] bottom a couple of times". Of course, she would have been safe the time she was actually voted out if it wasn't for him, but whatever. She says she got out at the right time, because she thinks she wouldn't have been able to deal with the endgame the way it happened. Which wouldn't have happened if Long Pole Joel was voted out instead of her. Craig voted for Sciona, because he thinks she's responsible for Tipara being so strong. Surprisingly, NoMind voted for Knob. Do you get the feeling he was nice to her out there, but she didn't like how much of a jerk he came across as on TV? She wants Knob to be able to get his mother-in-law to Australia. Lance voted for Knob, because his daughter reminded him about the whole "outwit, outplay, outlast" motto of the show. Which isn't even related to this version. But that doesn't matter.

Next: I pretend to care about the Reunion show.

Commercials. Hey, did you know I'm recapping The Amazing Race Asia next? You do now.

1x12: Who's The Odd Man Out?

2009-10-12T00:53:00.000-07:00

In which the likelihood of getting a bearable winner manages to work its way into negative digits.

====================

Previously on This Show: Stuff happened. Princess Jane was dethroned. Five people still fighting for the crown. Any questions?

Credits. Does anyone else think it's weird that, even though the players are in no logical order in the credits, the last six people shown all made the merge?

Previously on Hey! Didn't I Just Pretend To Recap You?: People fell off their pontoons again, because watching people fall is never not funny. Well, this is the same network that gave us Australia's Funniest Home Videos, after all. Unfortunately, they do not replay everyone falling on their way to the reward challenge. Sciona told Long Pole Joel he was going to be voted out, and he cried and whined. There was a tie, and as always seems to be the case, the less annoying person got eliminated. Sigh. Now remaining: five players, four Tribal Councils, three snuffages, two episodes, and only one way I will be happy with the winner. Who will be voted out... TONIGHT?

As always, there are waves. But these are very special waves, because today is Day 34. Knob confessionals that he figured out about the vote countback that got rid of Princess Jane, but he said that he didn't expect a re-vote to happen before that. Well, I'm sure if he didn't know about that little kink, Sue Hawk would be willing to remind him. He explains why it was so tough to not second-guess yourself, which makes no sense, because if he didn't want to vote Princess Jane out, he wouldn't have voted for her the first time. Hatie confessionals that she was shocked that Princess Jane got any votes. She says she immediately "smelled a rat". Well, that's good, because you're generously spreading cheese around Whaler's Way right now, with all this melodramatic soap opera acting.

At the real life camp, Sophie tells Hatie she figured out what was happening too, and that she's going to try beating Knob at his own game. Which I hope she does. She confessionals that they realised that Knob was actually playing the game much more than anyone realised. Well, except for the viewers, who have had to listen to every. Single. Fucking. Self-aggrandising. CONFESSIONAL. Hatie and Sophie agree they need to find a new plan. Let's hope this one won't be as Complicated.

Long Pole Joel yells out for Knob. Kangaroos look at him like he's an idiot, as do the rest of the world. Knob tells us in yet another confessional about how Long Pole Joel told them about his plan at almost literally the last possible moment. Yawn. He shows a rare moment of normalcy, thinking he may be an idiot for believing Long Pole Joel would take the dive at the final Immunity Challenge. Indeed he is. Long Pole Joel eventually finds Knob, who scolds him for scaring away all the stock-footage kangaroos and emus and making him forget that he's Still In Fucking Australia, Dammit!. Long Pole Joel wants Knob to know that if he really wants to hide, he should amputate his legs so that he doesn't leave footprints. Which Long Pole Joel apparently needed to yell at to find in the first place.

Knob is lazy and orders Long Pole Joel to help him stand up. Tool. He calls Long Pole Joel "a bloody loud bazooka" and bitches because he got woken up. So, now he doesn't even sleep with the tribe? What is this prick even doing out there any more? They hug.

Long Pole Joel is self-congratulatorially confessionaling about how he didn't get involved with the alliances until they were self-destructing. Well, that's a nice sentiment, but it's not why I watch this show. Go away, morals. And if you have to take Long Pole Joel with you in order to do that, leave the Long Pole.

Snake! Insert your own metaphorical joke there. Sadly, the editors think this snake requires a rattlesnake sound effect. ...No.

At camp, Sophie and Hatie are talking to Sciona, trying to get her to sway. Which almost makes sense, given that Long Pole Joel has no reason to switch and Knob isn't going to touch Hatie with a ten-foot-long pole. And we all know there's only one place out there he's going to find one of them, and it's not in his own pants. Sciona says her strategy is to let everyone else fight it out in order to win, while she'll be happy to finish second. Or something. She seems to think there's no way she can win the game. Again, this is not why I watch Survivor. Go away, Flying Under The Radar. Sophie asks is Sciona was going to vote her off a week ago, and Sciona says she wasn't. But Knob told one of the blondes that that was her plan. Which it couldn't have possibly been. Seven days before this was the Tribal Council where Craig got voted off (sniff). And Sophie was wearing the Immunity Lie Detector. Sciona tells them, after an attack of the st-st-stutters, that the Complicated Alliance Of Eternal Overplanning has stood, according to her. Which is also complete bullshit, because the votes were split 3 to 3 the previous night. Had she voted for Long Pole Joel of her own accord, instead of just blindly following what Knob said, then she could claim that, and these two could not tell the difference. But she didn't, so they can. Shut up, Sciona. She doesn't, and instead confessionals that she told an outright lie for the first time in the game. Which it isn't. Sophie asks whether the votes for Long Pole Joel are going to be revealed to him, and we know they already have been, because Long Pole Joel knows that he's only in the game because of Knob and Sciona. Sciona says she doesn't know what Knob's going to tell him, and then confessionals that Sophie's "got radar", claiming it's because she's a mother. Well, of course the fifty-year-old woman without kids is going to say that.

Cliffs, clouds, and a wonderful drum beat which nonetheless feels out of place here.

Bucket Mail. Long Pole Joel. Knob. Message:

Line up your target and hook your prey

Then run to the rocks and smash away

Sort the puzzle in the appropriate way

A sound sleep for the winner will make your day

I would have thought a sound sleep would make your night, but what do I know? I'm only going over this show with a fine-toothed comb. Also, dear whoever writes these: Please stop giving away everything about the challenges. Knob bitches about how there's apparently no food on offer. For no reason at all, we get a shot of the moon.

Commercials. Young men, there's a place you can go; I said ... Oh, forget it, that was six episodes ago. ["No! Don't forget it, young men! MY bedroom's a place you can go!" -- WhoreBoy]

Challenge beach, which has many violent waves nearby. There are boxes and hooks. Link acts like he's auditioning for the role of Amazing Race Greeter, thinking that The Beach is an actual location that makes the whole Port Lincoln area unique. Yeah, not so much. He tells us of how whalers used to hunt Southern Right Whales. He probably actually would need to explain that to these people. He adds that they don't do it anymore because the whales are a protected species. Again, necessary because these people are idiots. Also, can someone forward this to Japan?

Link tells the castaways that, just like the whalers got great rewards, so will whoever wins the challenge. The prize is a camp bed (which Link makes sound less like a bed you'd get camping, and more like one Elton John would use), a sleeping bag, and a pillow. They'll also get a warm meal -- either minestrone or a roast chicken, their choice. But whichever one they get, the serving will probably be big enough to share with everyone else. (At least $100,000 is an even amount to give everyone. Producers? Guys?) And, in what instantly makes this the best reward of the season, they get a teddy bear. Hee! Cute. Link smiles very widely when he picks up the teddy, and it really stands out how cute his smile is. And how he hasn't seemed all that happy to be around these people all season. In most cases, I would agree with him.

My only question about the reward is this: Does the bed fit under the boat, or does whoever wins it have to sleep outside?

So, onto the challenge. You run down to a row of shark hooks, and use one to retrieve a net, like that challenge a few weeks ago did with ropes and shovels. When you have the net, take it along the beach to a marked station, grab the wooden box from inside, and smash it open with a rock. Take out the hessian bag inside, and run all the way to the end of the beach. Open the bag to find a bunch of cards with letters printed on them. Use some of the letters, but not necessarily all of them, to form words. The first person to show Link the only correct word wins the Best Reward Ever.

Dear Fans Of The American Version: We're sorry for inflicting all those "do something mildly physical, then solve the puzzle" challenges on you. Really.

Survivors ready? GO! Everybody runs. Unsurprisingly, former athletes Knob and Hatie are leading the pack. People throw their hooks, all sucking at it. Sciona sucks the least, but she breaks the rules by taking the box out before she gets to the rocks. Cheater! Long Pole Joel also gets his net and does the same thing. So does Knob. Cheaters! The whole lot of you! Sciona gets her box smashed open easily, by smashing the rock onto the box rather than the other way around. Just keep that in mind, in case, you know, you end up deserted on an island in, like, Fiji or somewhere. Long Pole Joel smashes his box twice, just to prove how easy it is. The music guys add two of the Harpsichord Flourishes for emphasis. Knob also takes two tries, but it's because his first attempt sucks because his hand gets in the way (or, at least, that's what it looks like). Sciona is still leading, with Long Pole Joel and Knob in second and third respectively. Sophie gets her net, which means Hatie is the only hooker left. Sciona gets down to the end and starts laying her letters out, as Link reminds her that she's only looking for one word. Long Pole Joel is right behind her. Sophie runs away with her box (cheater!) while Knob gets to the end. Sciona clarifies that Link will be checking their guesses. She must have thought it was going to be done by glowing cat wizards or something. Long Pole Joel thinks DREAM is the word, which it isn't, but which makes more sense for this particular reward than the actual answer. As Sophie gets to the rocks, Hatie finally grabs her net. Long Pole Joel tries DREAMS next, which is also wrong. We hear three Harpsichord Flourishes for Sophie, but we're too busy watching Hatie getting her box out of the net (cheater!) to see the last one. As Hatie runs, Knob guesses DIVE. No. Long Pole Joel seems to think DREAMR is a real word. Hatie needs to attempts to open her box, missing so hard the first time that she actually lets go of her rock. Sciona seems to have SAW, RAVE, and DIVE on her pallet at the same time. Knob makes another guess. Loser. Having arrived at the pallets at last, Hatie quickly arranges her letters to form the word AURORA. Which is correct, as Link shows us. Hatie wins, and when Link reminds her of the meal she won, she says she feels sick. Well, at least the teddy bear won't betray her. Probably.

Side note about the challenge: It might be just me, but could they seriously not find a better font to use for these letters than Comic Sans MS? They want a shipwreck theme; they get... something that reminds me of circus clowns. Stupid.

Hatie's camp bed is at camp when the tribe arrives, and indeed appears to be too big to fit beneath the boat. So she has to sleep outside. Oh well. I don't think most of these people would care, especially considering they now get some more room under the boat. Knob is convinced the bed is a double, because he wants to usurp it for himself. And also, because he gets close to Hatie in a non-imaginary way if he shares. Hatie tells us she named the bear Ben, and puts him on the bed to "warm it up for [her]". Sciona tells Hatie that the prize is "wonderful", giving off the impression she doesn't realise it would be here regardless of who won. Either she's thinking that, or she wants the extra half of the bed for herself. Whichever it is, shut up, Sciona.

Did you know there are waves in the sea? Well, you do after watching this nice long helicopter shot here.

The tribe sits around their fire and cooks their shellfish. Kangaroos pretend to watch, and then hop away.

Sophie and Hatie meet up away from camp, with Hatie still holding onto the bear. Well, of course she does. It's the only friend she has left. Sophie confessionals that she doesn't know who to trust, and was trying to figure out what Hatie's all about. Let's watch. Hatie explains of the final two agreement between her and Knob, and it turns out Sophie has the same deal. As does Sciona, you'll remember. Hatie tells Sophie they can't trust Knob, and then tells us that Knob and Sciona have "betrayed" her, because they've been playing the game "behind [her] back", and that their trying to win is "going to cause hatred in [her]". Well, isn't that nice?

Knob returns to the others at camp, bitching about how an emu he chased got away. I didn't think emu was edible. I certainly didn't think they'd let you kill one and eat its carcass, especially not in a national park like Whaler's Way is. But Knob has Hatie's roast chicken instead, which as it turns out is now tainted. Sorry! Hatie confessionals that as soon as they saw the chicken, everybody was talking about how they were dividing it up, just assuming that she would share. Surprisingly, the chicken is small as far as roast chickens go, and Hatie is completely right in saying she has no reason to share with everyone. Doesn't mean she's not a complete bitch about it, but she's right. Just this once. She muses about whether she should share and keep the peace, or keep it for herself and risk being voted out. Sadly, she shares. Knob automatically assumes he's going to sleep with Hatie, and Sciona remarks that she's "just lost [her] toyboy". Oh, EW. After that scene, I... whoa. I think... I want Hatie to win. How the fuck did that happen?

Commercials. My baby takes the morning train, he works from 9 'til 5 and then, he takes another home again, to find me waiting for him. Unless, of course, Connex cancels his morning train and he never gets to work in the first place.

It's Day 35. Or it would be, if they put up the damn graphic. I can't imagine why we'd be getting the Standard It's A New Day! shots otherwise. Knob tells Sciona they're voting Hatie off next, and she orders him that it'll be Sophie, because Hatie is weak. Sciona must have short-term memory loss or something, because otherwise she'd realise that Long Pole Joel is the bigger threat than either of them. He's won two challenges, the life rings and the measurement, while Sophie (the eating challenge) and Hatie (the reward challenge here) have only won one each. And, for the record, out of the final eleven players, only Caren and Knob have not won an individual prize to this point. Even Sylvain got the car. So vote off Long Pole Joel, convince the girls that the alliance of four is still real, and then side with them to get rid of Knob. Win the final challenge and you're in the final tribal council anyway. And, this way, there's no chance someone could be bullshitting you into taking them to the final three under they impression they'll throw the challenge. But of course she can't hear me. Sigh.

Knob idiotically confessionals that nobody knows about the final-two deal with him and Sciona. Except for Sciona, who's in the deal. And Long Pole Joel, who's agreed to ensure they get to the final two together. And Hatie and Sophie, who have figured it out from a combination of their own final two deals and the way the previous vote went. And Link, who's getting updates from the crew, if his Tribal Council snark is anything to go by. Knob also says nobody knows about the Long Pole Joel deal, and while they may not know the specifics (because I can't see anyone else being stupid enough to believe Long Pole Joel's offer, even with their past actions), Hatie and Sophie could again guess something happened based on the votes. Deluded prick.

Knob and Sciona finalise their deal. Wasn't that an interesting four seconds?

And just to show that Hatie and Sophie have figured out that Long Pole Joel has done some sort of deal, we get them trying to figure out how Long Pole Joel fits into Knob's Grand Plan. Hatie proposes telling Long Pole Joel about everything that's happened, and then hoping he'll side with them. It's nice to see that Hatie is now planning on doing the exact same thing she called Craig a "manipulative little snake" for trying. And it worked so well that first time, didn't it? Hatie confessionals of her plan, and then tells Sophie that Knob and Sciona are "rats and weasels". Mark them off your Hatie's Animal Insult Bingo card. I'm still waiting for "ferret". They agree to do it when they get water, apparently counting on Knob and Sciona to be lazy bastards. Eh, one out of two is true, but Sciona will probably want to go.

At the coast, Sophie talks to Knob. Sophie gives him the brush-off he so richly deserves. Knob confessionals that he deliberately tried to figure out what they were saying as soon as they finished. He does not seem to realise that the brush is high enough that he could have just hidden and eavesdropped. Ever the tool, Knob demands to know what Hatie was doing talking to her. Fuckwit. They don't have to explain what they're doing to you. You're not Link. You're not Probst. You're not even Dicko. Though four out of those five letters are accurate. Sophie confessionals that she's never wanted to lie, but she lied to Knob because he's been doing deals with everyone. Knob whines. What else is new?

Knob confessionals that he then found Hatie and demanded she tell him the same stuff, because their alliance is at risk. We then get to see this exact thing, because the editors are auditioning for The Biggest Loser. They know, of course, that he's been doing even more dirty work than either of them, so this won't work at all. Knob tells them his reason for needing to know is because he's the only guy in the alliance. Whatever.

Hatie confessionals that she can hardly look at Knob. Hey, me too. She says he's been... something... with his strategy. It could really be either "haphazard" or a really weird pronunciation of "half-arsed", but either way it sounds like "have acid". She knows that she should at least pretend to be nice to him, and hope that what goes around comes around. How ironic. She is still holding onto Ben, as Knob tells her that she should tire Long Pole Joel out. I'm sure he can't possibly get any more tired than he was during those early days when Jeff was snoring. Shut it, Knob. As is usually the case, he ignores me and confessionals about how he can't even think straight any more. Yeah, well, neither can I, and I turned out all right. Assuming by "all right", you mean "thinking about imaginative ways to wipe Knob off of the face of this earth, but not acting on them".

As soon as Knob leaves, Hatie remarks to Sophie about what a "sleazebag" he is. Can I replace "toad" with "sleazebag" on my card? Sophie is still shocked that people can make deals with more than one person. Hatie adds "rugrat" to her insults (and I cross off "sloth"), as they laugh at how he's so stupid he set up a chance for them to talk to Long Pole Joel without him. HA! What a dumbarse. Hatie says she's so good she gives herself goosebumps. Let's not go overboard, but she is certainly better at this game than Knob is.

Gecko.

Knob meets Long Pole Joel and Long Pole Joel thinks the absolute most important thing they could talk about is that Knob gave him a high-five. Wanker. Knob instead explains that Hatie and Sophie are "demons". He tells Long Pole Joel to just follow their plan no matter what. Which is stupid for Long Pole Joel if he does it. This way, he'd be dropping out third guaranteed. If he switched, he'd have no such promise to break, and thus would actually compete in the last challenge. If he wins, he'd be pretty much guaranteed to get three jury votes if he takes Hatie over Sophie -- one from Lance and two from the Kadinas. Which would almost be enough for him to win the game. And if he switches but still loses the challenge, then there's no damage done to his final position, given Hatie and Sophie will do the same thing Sciona and Knob are planning. Long Pole Joel looks excitedly pissed that he has to get water with Sophie and Hatie. He confessionals that he doesn't like liars and lying. Well, he's in the right game, then. He also says he doesn't want to get involved in any of that. I must have missed the part when his helping Knob and Sciona to boot Princess Jane didn't count as lying. Hypocrite.

The girls and Long Pole Joel walk up to the Water Windmill, fresh from another round of time-lapse-induced schizophrenia. The girls tell him about the alliance, and how it's main goal at the start was ensuring Tipara didn't get Kadina'd. Long Pole Joel confessionals that this is the first he's heard of people playing the game. Yawn. Hatie and Sophie tell him that people have been badmouthing him in an attempt to get them to vote for him. Sophie confessionals that she wanted to tell Long Pole Joel about this because she feels sorry he hasn't had to lie to get as far in the game as he has. And I'm sure it might also have something to do with trying to get his vote. But she doesn't say that. Sophie explains how the concept of alliances work, as though even though he hasn't been a part of one before, he also has never seen this show. Long Pole Joel confessionals that he'd have a stronger chance of winning the final challenge against the girls than he would against Knob and Sciona. Well, there's also the little matter of him agreeing to throw the challenge for the other two, but that's not particularly important at the moment. Especially considering he seems to be thinking as though that deal doesn't count. Hatie tells Long Pole Joel their plan for the vote: If Knob wins the Immunity Stay Of Execution, Sciona goes home, otherwise Knob gets the boot because he's more of a threat. And either way, I'm happy. Long Pole Joel appears to be interested.

Commercials. EmoHunk is convinced that the one way people will actually believe he's straight (which he is, sadly) is to join the armed forces. Specifically, the Navy. For someone who's not gay, he's very gay. And I'll bet that in the navy, they'll put his mind at ease. (Okay, NOW I'm done mocking the Village People. At least for this season.)

Another cliff shot, which this time appears to have been filmed from a boat.

Bucket Mail. Sophie and Long Pole Joel retrieve it, and if she didn't offer a final-two deal with him on the way to help get him to swing, she is an idiot. The message is caught in a mousetrap. Perfect for all those rats and weasels you'll need to get rid of to win.

This challenge will amaze, this challenge will confuse

At each stage there's a winner, whose task is to choose

The partners who will join the next round in the game

Until only two are left, then your path will appear the same

One will fall, the other stands tall, to claim Immunity's fame

Sigh.

Sweeping helicopter shot, teaser shots of a bunch of random stuff.

Link welcomes the tribe and grabs the Immunity Ninja Panty-Raider from Sciona. Today's Immunity Challenge is one of my favourite challenge ideas, not only in this season but also in any season ever, and is designed to get the tribe thinking, and to do the Coconut Chop's normal job of revealing whom you can and can't trust. Link provides a warped pronunciation of "can't" for some reason. There are a whole bunch of separate stages, like there were with the merge episode challenge. This time, the first is not a jigsaw puzzle, but is a maze. The last person out gets eliminated, which makes it seem as though the Bucket Mail message was written before the challenge was finished being planned.

We get a crane shot of the maze, which shows us that there are different obstacles inside the maze. Disorienting! Survivors ready? GO! Everybody seems to have trouble even finding the entrance to the maze, five feet in front of them. It looks like Long Pole Joel and Sciona head to the left, while the others head right. Hatie is out first. Woo! Knob is second, trying and failing his Thunderbird walk again. But if he's doing That Person In The Thriller Video Who Gets Confused Between Zombie-Walking Forwards And Zombie-Walking Sideways, he's pretty damn good at it. Link brilliantly points where Knob is to go and wait, even though he's still wearing the blindfold. Heh. As he does, Sophie comes out behind him. More Sciona and Long Pole Joel fumbling. Link seems impressed with how stupid they can be to fuck up a maze this small this much. I like Link. Long Pole Joel gets out, and he's the last person through in this round. Probably some time later, considering she's coming through from the same way she entered the maze, rather than the exit (you can see the poles which were near the start of the maze), Sciona finally escapes. She walks all the way around the outside of the maze to Link, who tells her that she's out of the challenge. Which is good, 'cause she'd probably still be in that maze right now if he told her she had to do it properly before he can eliminate her.

Now, the challenge gets into the actual stuff that both Link and the Bucket Mail were referring to. There's a simple task. Whoever gets it done first gets a cryptic, Bucket Mail-esque clue. Then, you decide who goes to which of the several traps laid out. Only one of the traps in each round is rigged to work. Whoever gets sent to the real trap in each round is out. Last one remaining wins the Immunity Pixellation Device. Brilliant idea. And because of the trap component, you could either screw yourself over by not understanding the clue properly, or you could screw yourself over by understanding it correctly and then pissing off the wrong person.

Have I mentioned I love this challenge?

So. The second round is fairly easy. You've got six coloured sticks, all the same length, and you have to use them to make four equal-sized triangles. And you can't cross the sticks over each other. To do it, you've got to make one triangle on the ground, and then use the other three as the vertical edges to make a pyramid. Not hard at all. Well, unless you're THESE people.

Survivors ready? And... GO! There is a lot of people being idiots and trying to make them all on the ground, until Link spoils the fun of this particular challenge by telling them to "think laterally, it may not be on a level surface". So now it's basically a race to see who can pick up three sticks and hold them the right way. Spoilsport. And it's Knob.

Link tells him he gets to read the clue. The clue is: On your head be it if the killer is close... Not a great clue. Link reminds him of what he has to do now. This time, there are four walk in corridors, sort of like changing rooms in a store, and each person has to go in one. There are four animal pictures on top -- a turtle, a shark, an octopus, and a dolphin. At least, that's what the pictures look like they're supposed to be. Knob sends Long Pole Joel to the turtle, Hatie to the octopus, Sophie to the dolphin, and he takes the shark for himself.

Everybody moves to their traps. When Link tells them to, they step inside. The trap turns out to be pretty ordinary, with two nets just rolling down around the victim. Who turns out to be Knob. Woo! Link does what I would do and reminds Knob that he is an idiot. He also explains the clue: the shark room was the trap, because the shark was the only animal that kills humans. Supposedly, but it looked to me like the pictures may have been drawn in dark blue, which would mean we had a blue-ringed octopus up there, and that kills too. I like this challenge idea, but it doesn't appear to be executed very well. Still, at least they can't share the prize. (EmoHunk suggested that the hint could also have been taken another way from its ungrammatical writing. And it looks like it could have. Using the “on your head be it” part only could possibly tell you that trap B would be the unsafe one – and, reading from left to right as the players saw it, the bad trap was the second from the left, which would be trap B.)

The next stage is a three-layer Tower of Hanoi puzzle. For those who don't know, that's the game where you have three poles, and on one is a pile of stuff, with the different layers increasing in size as you go down. You've got to move them from one pole to another, without putting a piece on top of a smaller piece. This time, you've got to move the three layers from one pole (let's call it #1) to the pole at the other end (#3, with the middle one obviously being called #2). The correct way to solve this only takes seven moves. Put the smallest piece on #3, then the middle one on #2. Move the smallest one onto #2 (i.e., onto the middle-sized one) and then take the biggest one over to #3. Now move the smallest one back to #1. Take the middle one onto #3 and then the smallest one, and you're done. Simple. So simple, in fact, that the task later got recycled in both the American Thailand season, and our own Celebrity Survivor Vanuatu. But I'll deal with having to re-recap it when I get up to that episode.

Survivors ready? GO! We see Hatie (with the yellow poles) clearly make the wrong move and put her smallest tyre onto the middle pole. But then we cut to a shot of all three and she's dumping it on the right pole at the end. So, who's to say? Long Pole Joel throws one of his tyres away, thinking one of Hatie's orange poles is one of his pink poles. It wouldn't be the first time this show has gotten colours mixed up. There is a lot of rapid running, and this, just like that square puzzle back in the merge episode, is a task that would have been better with more pieces. Three layers just aren’t enough. Anyway, Hatie wins.

There are three tiger traps. One has a shell inside it, one has a Danish or a coffee scroll or something (WhoreBoy and I were having trouble trying to figure out what it was, but it's definitely a pastry of some kind), and one has a pear. The clue is: Tiger, tiger, burning bright; there'll be no supper for you tonight. So, here's her dilemma. Does she play to win the challenge, saving herself in case Long Pole Joel doesn't switch over to their side, and force Long Pole Joel to take the bad cage (assuming she can figure it out, of course, which is never a safe assumption around these parts); or does she give herself the bad cage, like Knob will likely say he did, in order to get Long Pole Joel to be more likely to trust her, but lose her chance at winning? I'm not sure which would be best. Hatie sends Sophie to the pastry and Long Pole Joel to the shell, and takes the pear for herself. As they crawl in, Long Pole Joel's cage slams shut around him. Link explains that the clue was the word "supper", and one of the traps didn't have food inside. Hatie laughs. While on her hands and knees in a tiger cage, looking hungrily at a pear on the ground. She really has no sense of irony, does she?

The final stage involves handling balls. Which makes Hatie lucky she booted Long Pole Joel. All Hatie and Sophie have to do is stand outside a circle marked on the ground, and throw juggling balls at a hollowed out Tribal Council torch. Whoever lands a ball into the torch first gets the final clue.

Survivors ready? GO! Sophie throws underarm, Hatie throws overarm. Both throw like girls. (What do you expect me to make jokes about? People throwing stuff really isn't conducive to snark.) Hatie wins.

There are two planks over a ditch. The message: Choose the right path; decide your fate; only the correct path should you take; what's left should only bring misery. Now, I was twelve years old when I first saw this episode, and I could figure out which one she should take, that's how easy it was. Hatie takes the right hand side, and gives Sophie the left. Link confirms, and reminds them what's at stake. They walk. About halfway across, Sophie's bridge collapses under her weight. That can't feel good. The resulting dust causes some big splotches of dirt to land on the camera. Hee.

Link hands Hatie the Immunity Tubular Bells. Surprisingly, he does not hug her like he did when Joel and Craig won their challenges. Huh. She does get a hug from Sophie, however, so all is good.

The tribe walks away, from the start of the maze, which they apparently had to walk back through to get out, from the way the shot appears. Weird. Great challenge, though.

Commercials.

Apparently, it's only Day 35 NOW, which means that somehow we had both challenges on the one day. And also means we've either got to fill up two days within about ten minutes of airtime before Tribal Council, or we're having a four-day finale. In which case we get an extra day of "look how far we've come" reflection. Yay. Hatie wakes up. She confessionals over a shot of Knob doing... something... that they were in the tent last night and he tried to touch her, but she didn't feel anything. Doesn't that make you a Reaper or something? I might watch Supernatural, but I don't get how much of it actually works. Anyway, he asks Sciona something about the engraving he's supposedly making. In case you can't tell, I find it even more difficult to care about sentimentalist crap when it stars people I don't like. Sciona tells him that saying friendship and trust had anything to do with Survivor would be the biggest lie he's told "all decade". That is complete and utter bullshit, given friendships do play a part in who you form alliances with, and also because it's not even the biggest lie he's told this episode, and because the decade at the time this was filmed was less than two years old. That's like calling a film coming out in the first two weeks of January "the greatest film you've seen this year". Knob confessionals that it's only the last few minutes of a game that counts. No wonder he wasn't very successful as a footballer. He continues whining while I have a laughing fit because of his stupidity.

When I recover, Hatie and Sophie are walking, with Hatie holding the teddy bear again. That teddy bear is easily my favourite character in this episode. Sophie tells Hatie that she's used to being cheated on (too much information, lady!), and that it feels like that sort of situation. Hatie says they're like Knob's two girlfriends finding out about each other, but this isn't like real life because they're working together to get rid of Knob rather than bitchslapping each other. Heh. Hatie confessionals that Knob's "messed with the wrong girl" and "he's going down". Not on her anymore, apparently.

The tribe eats breakfast. Knob bitchily confessionals that he's eating as much food as Princess Jane used to, even though she was smaller. So... being a bigger jackass means you deserve more food, does it? He adds the fun fact that Long Pole Joel tried to get more food and burned his fingers doing it. And you'll notice we never saw that, considering we've seen you whining about everything and we had to devote practically the entire Tipara portion of Episode 2 to Sciona burning herself. I wonder why. Everyone tells Sciona how well she cooked the rice. Sciona confessionals that she's decided to start being lazier than she was before, because she wants to win the challenges. Good strategy, but the only physical challenge from this point on in the seasons we'd seen before was the second chance challenge in Outback. We had two rounds of Hands On The Immunity Idol, a match-the-pairs memory game, and three games of Fallen Comrades, but it's traditional at this point that the last couple of challenges aren't exhausting.

Long Pole Joel tells the tribe that he has callouses on both sides of his arse bone, and offers to let people touch it. On the one hand, that's too much information. On the other, WhoreBoy probably would. ["Only if he showered first." -- WhoreBoy] Sciona tells him he needs to do more work then. She tells him this (1) as she herself is sitting down, and (2) as she herself is actively trying not to do work. Sciona is on my List. Long Pole Joel tells him the callouses on his hands and feet are much worse, so she can shut up. Exactly.

Knob plays with the boat. Yeah, I have no idea why either. Sophie and Hatie both confessional that they hate Knob's trying to find out everything about what they're doing. He's not Jebus, you know. Knob tells Sciona what they told him, which is that they're both voting for her. It would have been more fun if they told him to his face that they're both voting for him, wouldn't it? Knob confessionals that Sciona is upset about this, and that he just assumed they would vote for Long Pole Joel. He does a bad Sophie impression, which doesn't sound all that different to his actual voice. Sciona tells him to relax. He explains that he has three votes against him already (love ya, Craig) and that he thinks they think he's going to join them in voting for Sciona. Knob confessionals that Sciona is his "rock", but that even she sounded like she was angry with him. Which I normally wouldn't excuse her for, but Sciona has been an angry bitch these last couple of episodes. Shut up, Sciona. Knob tries to reassure Sciona, who throws his telling Lance and the other girls that he was voting for her back in his face. Good point, but I already TOLD you to SHUT UP.

There are waves, because the editors are trying to pass off that this place is nice to visit, even though everyone's wearing winter clothes in thirty-degree weather.

Sophie and Long Pole Joel find a decent place to fish, and Long Pole Joel confessionals that he shocked that the alliances have problems. Does he not realise from the dwindling numbers that this is the "serious business end" of the game? Suddenly, the pair is at the fishing spot they found, and are doing pretty well. Sophie catches a big one. And not in the way I would normally say that with Long Pole Joel around. Long Pole Joel is happy.

Meanwhile, Knob is searching for shells on his own. Blunt metaphor alert! He confessionals about his mood swings. Yawn. Knob and Sciona talk about their lies. It's not the most interesting scene in the episode, shockingly enough. Knob tells us that they wound up reaffirming their faith to each other. Whatever. Sciona tells him they have to trust Long Pole Joel.

Sophie tells us she's not going to go without a fight. Which certainly seems like it'll happen, because Hatie won the Best Challenge Ever, and now she's the only one outside the Al-liar-nce. She and Long Pole Joel continue fishing, and he confessionals that it seems like he would get to the final three regardless of whether he switched alliances or not, but that he'd have a better chance of winning the final challenge against the girls.

The tribe grabs their torches. Sophie confessionals that she won't enjoy voting for Knob, but she'll do it anyway. Go on, have some fun. Add some exclamation marks. We all know how much Knob likes them. The tribe leaves.

Commercials. Shut up, Dora the Explorer.

Tribal Council after dark. Link gives them the spiel and even he sounds bored about it this time. NoMind is wearing one of those red teacher tops that's supposed to be prudish but actually shows off a fair bit of your rack. Jane is wearing a random beach skirt, but she is at least smart enough to wear a jacket over it. Lance is in random clothes, Craig is still smokin'.

Sciona, how has your Journey! changed you? She Sarah Palins the question, instead talking about how she didn't expect to have to deal with a tough environment on top of everything else. She has not watched this show before, then. Shut up, Sciona. Hatie, how much do you need the Immunity Rat And Weasel Trap? She tells us that "the tension in the camp is paramount", and that it's "getting closer and closer to D-Day". Well, yes, but I'd be surprised at this point if it happens in the way she thinks it will all go down. Knob, are you happy with all the lying and scheming and arseholery you've displayed during the game, and do you think anyone has gotten pissed off with said arseholery? He is, and he doesn't. He gives a standard "This Is A GAME" speech. Yawn. Sophie, I don't know anything about what's happened to you since you turned up, so how are you? She explains that the game changed since the merge, and that it's harder to make decisions now that you're nearing the end of the game and only people you consider friends are left.

Time to vote. Knob votes for Sophie, lying and misspelling her name like she's some Bulgarian immigrant. Does she look Bulgarian to you, tool? Hatie votes, patting down the voting papers before they fly off. Sophie votes for Knob, because she doesn't like how he treated her. Fair reason. Sciona votes. Long Pole Joel votes. Someone must really love that camera shot of the voting papers, because we saw it as every single person walked up this week.

Link retrieves the votes. Knob prays. Or something. Everyone else looks bored. Link returns. Time to put Link's reading lessons to the test. Knob. Sophie. Knob. Sophie. Links tells us they have "two each", and then reminds us who the "two each" are for some reason. Feh. And the next person booted, after shots of pretty much everyone looking nervous, is... Sophie. Which means Long Pole Joel is an idiot. She brings her torch over and is snuffed. She looks sad, but thanks Link. Aww. Once AGAIN, that insensitive prick of a Knob does not take any notice of her saying goodbye. Link confirms that we're in for a four-day journeyfest of a finale, and sends the tribe back to camp.

Next week, on the "last ever" episode of Cancel My Subscription, I'm Tired Of Your Issues: Knob yells at someone for lying. Oh, the irony. Hatie finally snaps at Knob. WOOOOO! Hatie confessionals that Knob is "going down". But I already MADE that joke! No fair! Hatie wants a hug. Everybody else gets at least one. Four people remain standing, but Link makes them all walk the plank anyway. I knew I liked Link. Also, somebody finally wins this bitch.

Sophie tells us that she has no regrets about the "enriching" experience. She'll miss "living on the edge", but won't miss the lack of food. She played how she wanted, and is happy she got booted before the game got really tough. It very much echoes how gracious Teresa was back in Survivor: Africa, when she got the boot at this time of the season. And anything that reminds me of T-Bird can only be good, considering how bad some other contestants have been over the years.

One episode to go!

1x11 Cockiness Comes To An End

2009-10-12T00:50:00.001-07:00

Long Pole Joel makes a deal with the Devil (well, one of the two, anyway) to ensure his safety in the game. The results are sadly as expected, and we say goodbye to the fifth likable person in five weeks.

Previously on Aurora? Boring All Us: Even a whale interfering with challenge props couldn't stop the episode from being one of the dullest things I have ever seen. And I watched that episode of Viva Laughlin. Neither could Long Pole Joel spending much of the episode impersonating Matthew McConaughey. Long Pole Joel made Princess Jane sick, but won the Immunity Cure For The Common Cold and was allowed to stay in the game anyway. Lance was surprised to learn that Craig might not have been a dastardly liar when he was voted out. Supposedly, everyone else figured out about the alliance. Well-placed musical stings showed us that there were six people left in the game, and one snuffer. And also, because it was the most important thing that happened during the course of the episode, EmoHunk wet his pants. WET his PANTS.

Later that night, the remaining denizens of the Aurora tribe sit around a stark campfire. Hatie confessionals that Lance was so convinced he wasn't getting voted out, that he planned ridiculously far ahead. And she would never come up with a Complicated plan for her future out there. No sirree. You will not be surprised to learn that that hypocritical confessional served no purpose to the future of the story.

Credits. Things you may not have noticed from the credits #23: In the little photo of him we see, Lance looks like an inbred version of that guy from Eli Stone.

Commercials. Tonight in the Nein Newsroom: Only three episodes left until Raceguy can move on to recapping Celebrity Survivor Vanuatu. And only another twelve after that until I can recap something good.

Moon and clouds, apparently necessary to tell us a night has passed since an episode that aired seven days ago. Some people must really be idiots.

The next morning, Long Pole Joel whispers to Sciona that he didn't know Lance was getting voted off. Sciona whispers back that she noticed that Lance also didn't know. Long Pole Joel confessionals that he wasn't a part of the plan to get rid of Lance. He says he doesn't know what to do next, because he now realises that he can't guarantee he'll get the truth out of people when he asks them. It's a pity it's too late for him, unless the Complicated Alliance Of Eternal Overplanning self-destructs, because nothing would make me happier than seeing their smug arses beaten. And not in the way WhoreBoy is probably thinking when he reads that. [“Bitch: Please. Like I would be clean-minded enough to think of bondage.” – WhoreBoy]

Sciona wonders how Long Pole Joel could possibly be dumb enough to not notice the alliance, and: Dude, he's a total Chris. He ain't gonna figure anything out on his own unless you draw a map on the ground to help him. [In case you’re wondering, by the way, I accidentally downloaded the wrong Vanuatu-based season of Survivor while preparing for the next set of recaps. I am an idiot. Also, why the hell am I finding Twila likable?] Sciona tells Long Pole Joel that it wouldn't be Survivor without an alliance. And she's completely right.

Long Pole Joel confessionals that he now realises Craig wasn't lying. And, again, it's too late to do anything. At the moment, you're currently looking at fifth place, tops, depending on whether you or Princess Jane gets booted at this next Tribal Council. Had you two and Craig and Lance joined up, there would have been four votes for Craig from the Complicated Alliance Of Eternal Overplanning, and four votes for whomever the Alliance Of Dregs chose. In the tie re-vote, the two alliances would probably remain the same, and it would have to go to whoever had the most previous votes. Now, here's where it would get interesting. In the first eight Tribal Councils (up until NoMind got booted), Hatie and Sciona had never received a vote (remember, Sophie won the Immunity Clip-On Tie, and couldn't have been voted for, but she also had no previous votes). Knob had had two, both from Craig, in the votes when NoMind and Caren got snuffed. And despite all the extra Kadina visits to Tribal Council, Craig had only received one vote the entire time, from Bald Spice when he got voted out. So had the Alliance Of Dregs all voted for Knob, he would have been booted and you wouldn't be in this predicament. Long Pole Joel won the measurement challenge last week, so they could have gotten rid of potential challenge-monster Sophie then, and the final six would be Craig, Princess Jane, Long Pole Joel, Hatie, Lance, and Sciona. Sciona and Hatie in some order would likely be the next two boots; and Craig, Princess Jane, Long Pole Joel, and Lance would be the final four. Which is an infinitely more enjoyable combination than we could get out of any of the people remaining at the moment in the real game. Not to mention that it would be a fairly even competition. It really would have depended on whether the players were thinking about possible jury opponents at that point, or whether they were still voting based on who they wanted to keep at camp. In either case, their chances of winning would be much higher than they are now.

And that is why I would suck at this game.

There are some shells cooking. Hatie bitches about how bad the mussels or whatever they are taste and how they stay in your stomach. She seems to have no problems scarfing them down, though. Interestingly, Princess Jane is not shown complaining once. Sciona tells us they taste better barbecued than boiled, and is there any food for which that is not true? She says she likes to push herself until it hurts, and by the time that happens, her "willpower" is so strong that she can't. Unfortunately, she is hurting the rest of us while she continues to insist on staying out here. And her willpower really isn't as great as she claims if she's whining and bitching non-stop.

Princess Jane stays at camp to "do the beds", while the rest of the tribe goes to gather water. She tells us that the real reason she's not going is that she feels too weak to "make the walk down there". Her cleaning of the beds appears to consist solely of shaking blankets in the wind.

We join Knob in the middle of a conversation with Hatie, in which he mentions the Thunderbirds and supposedly does the stilted marionette walk they have. It's very hard to tell the difference between that and his normal walking. Especially for Hatie, who is walking in front of him and doesn't get the displeasure of seeing his crappy impersonation.

Princess Jane scrubs dirt from a pan as the rest of the tribe walks. She also eats part of a plant (one of the same type that was visible in her Fake Field Confessionals last week). Everybody lies down when they get to the Water Windmill, because it turns out that Princess Jane is actually the least lazy person there. She may not have walked to the windmill, but she at least didn't stop moving while she was back at camp.

Knob puts his head under the tap, and washes his hair. He also dunks his head in a full bucket of water. (WhoreBoy: "Do it! You have so little to live for!") Unfortunately for WhoreBoy, he surfaces again.

We get a new Stock Footage Animal this week, seeing a snake slithering across the ground for the first time.

It takes us to the Bucket Mail, where there is a sea star with a ribbon attached. Sophie and Princess Jane, having apparently decided getting to the Bucket Mail will be easier than getting to the Water Windmill, read the message:

If it's contact with loved ones you do crave

Then to win this challenge you don't have to be brave

Attention to detail and a bit of class

Through the eye of a needle you have to pass

The reward is magic and one you have to snare

To win webcam time with those who care

As usual, the poem sucks. Also as usual, Sophie gets unreasonably excited over the reward. We do not get to see Knob misguess what the challenge entails.

A helicopter takes us on a long flight around the cliff and to the challenge set up on the beach. It's lucky the plane didn't get lost. The tribe walks down to the challenge, with pretty much everyone almost racking themselves. There are preview shots of life rings and assorted junk tied onto a set of ropes, with each of the six ropes conveniently having an identical bunch of crap attached. What are the odds? The tribe walks through the middle of the props to meet Link, and we cut to...

Commercials. Is Steve Hooker STILL famewhoring it up everywhere that'll have him? That's a shame, because he's practically the Knob to Matthew Mitcham's Craig.

Back at the challenge, we relive the final few seconds of the team walking to Link, along with some new previews shots showing the setup in more detail. Link greets them and tells them that today's winner gets a fifteen-minute webcam chat with their loved ones. Could they seriously have not sprung for flying six people out to Port Lincoln? Because this is extraordinarily cheap. Even by this show's standards. I notice that Link does not mention any specific brands, which at least gives me some hope.

Anyway, today's challenge is simple. Each player takes one of the six ropes. At one end is a pile of five life rings. You have to move them along the rope, figuring out for yourselves what to do about the assorted debris, to get them to the other end of the rope, where they must again be piled. The first person to get them all to the other end wins. This is another of those challenges where there's a right way and a wrong way to do it, because you do not necessarily have to do them one at a time. Which you probably shouldn't do.

Survivors ready? GO! Princess Jane, with the green-and-white rings, and Sciona, with the red-and-white rings, are the only ones to try doing it one at a time. As a result, Sciona is leading as the first graphical update. About halfway along, the players have to life the rope off its holder to get the rings past, and Princess Jane has trouble with this. Even though she appears to be trying, Link reminds her that the rope has to go back onto its starting point before she can continue. Hatie has trouble with her yellow-and-white rings. Sciona gets her first ring finished and runs back for her next one. In the background, Long Pole Joel appears to have all of his rings lined up right before the halfway pole, so despite the graphics, he's actually in the lead. Both Knob (orange-and-white) and Sophie (maroon-and-white) are not far behind. Long Pole Joel gets the same reminder about reattaching his rope. Princess Jane finishes her first ring. Hatie gets one ring up over the halfway pole and stupidly replaces the rope before she gets the rest over. Sciona apparently gets another one home, but we're too busy watching Knob fuck up to see. Princess Jane gets another one while we're watching a wide shot of pretty much everyone except her. Even without being shown, it's still hard to tell how everyone's doing because of the combination of the different strategies and the weird camera angles being employed here. Challenges are usually a bitch to recap, but this one is especially horrible. Which is a shame, because it's actually a very decent idea which failed in execution, just like many of the better challenges this season -- the donut platforms, the lobster hunt, and all five challenges since that one NoMind won have all been like this. So was that first Immunity, but that was a different "failed in execution". Stupid fuses. Anyway, Sciona gets another one, but Long Pole Joel is right at the end with his pile, and drops them all off together. Link actually counts them one by one to make sure he won. Yeesh.

Long Pole Joel cheers and showboats, Knob finishes his off and gets ready for another bout with self-defeatism. Long Pole Joel and Link hug like reunited lovers (really), and it would be remiss of me to not point out that Link Has Some Serious Stompers. Link asks how it'll be, and Long Pole Joel calls it "the most beautiful thing ever". Long Pole Joel's girlfriend wonders if this means he thinks she's fat.

But the bad news isn't over yet, because Link tells us that all the losers gets fifteen minutes to send SMS messages to their loved ones (no doubt over a crappy Telstra phone). Link also thinks he has to mime the concept of SMS to get the message across, and it looks like he mime-types "When can I get away from these idiots?". If I was him, I would be doing that too.

Tree branches hang over the camera, and a crow calls (And faaaaark you too, crow). Sciona carries an unrelated branch around camp. It's her security blankie. Long Pole Joel confessionals that The Secret was his ...uh, secret to winning the challenge. Ew.

Princess Jane cleans a pot with her fingernails. See, she is totally not a Princess at all!

Sophie confessionals to us that she feels happy for Long Pole Joel, but that everyone misses their family. As she talks to Joel in real-life, we hear her confessional about how winning the loser prize has made her miss her family more. Like I said ages ago, she was really the NoMind of Tipara. It's one of her kid's birthdays in three days, but apparently the birthday kid can't read. I know I shouldn't laugh, but... hee hee.

It's thundering.

Sciona and Long Pole Joel are doing something, and Long Pole Joel confessionals once again that he thinks there might be an alliance going on. One point for the finally non-clueless dimwit. He thinks the alliance is Knob, Hatie, Sophie, and Princess Jane, so I'll be taking that point back to the store. It's a good thing I kept the receipt. But he does mention that Knob's playing the hardest.

Knob confessionals that Long Pole Joel's going crazy the longer he stays out there. Well, temporary insanity is fucking hilarious, so let's keep him. And because it's only temporary insanity that's good to watch, you and Hatie can leave at any time. Sciona also confessionals that Long Pole Joel's mental health has gone down the crapper, where it joined up with Link's dreams of being taken seriously. She says it gives her the shits, but that he really does seem to have something wrong with him.

Long Pole Joel tells Hatie to go sleep. All the better to try and outplay you with, my dear.

Knob confessionals that everyone is feeling fatigued, but that Hatie's starting to crack a bit more noticeably. Well, I did call it way back when she failed to trick the Kadinas into doing what she said. One point for me. Knob says he doesn't want to deal with campfire chats about what people are going to do when they get home. Well, of course not. That would require some basic level of social skills.

Sophie and Princess Jane are talking about what they do with leftover rice. Sciona confessionals that Princess Jane told everyone the previous night that she was going to cook the rice, but that she then had to ask Sciona how to do it. Rice, water, fire. Not a hard thing to do. Sciona reminds us that Princess Jane should know how, given she talks about food so much. She also thinks having to deal with Princess Jane is wearing her down. Go, Princess Jane! I know I shouldn't like you, given you have no survival skills at all even after this long out there, but you really are the lesser of six evils at the moment.

Commercials. When the hell is The Amazing Race coming out on DVD down here? It's been out in America for over three years now!

It's Day 32 and we get some bird calls. Unfortunately, they bring us back to Knob, who is on the beach. He confessionals that he likes mornings the best because it means he's a day closer to conning these people into giving him the money. And also because he can sneak off and not have to talk to anyone else. I'm not exactly sure anyone else particularly wants to talk to you either, Knob, so cram it. He writes in his journal, because he has apparently stopped using it to light fires. He explains what he writes in his journal, which I maintain is the most boring luxury item you could possibly have.

Back at camp, Long Pole Joel tries to start a fire. Sciona comes back from a beach visit with a pot full of shells. Sciona offers to show Joel "a trick", and I briefly get the impression she might be an amateur magician, which would certainly liven up her dreary personality. But instead she tells him what he's doing wrong with the fire he's working on. She confessionals that she would have kept it to herself, but that she was pissed that he didn't know what he was doing after that long out there. Long Pole Joel is sitting next to the fire, going "Can't sleep... clown will eat me... can't sleep... clown will eat me...". Wait, no he's not, he's going "She means well... she means well... she means well...". Which is really just as bad an indictment on Sciona. Sciona bitches that she keeps having to show "these kids" [by which I assume she means Long Pole Joel and Princess Jane] what to do and how they don't learn. Perhaps the better explanation, Sciona, is that you're not a particularly good teacher.

Sophie confessionals that she loves Long Pole Joel (WhoreBoy thinks there was some imaginary fucking going on over at Tipara, too), but that it's hard to live with him while he's going crazy. Said going crazy seems to involve breaking the same exact tree branch twice. Stupid editors, thinking I wouldn't notice. She says she's "losing patience, big time".

Sciona starts telling Long Pole Joel something, but he basically tells her to shut up. God, FINALLY.

Cliff and time-laps clouds, because time-lapse is the new black. Seals, sealing it up both on the rocks and in the water.

At a little gazebo thingy on the cliffs, Long Pole Joel sits in front of a computer while everyone else sits off to the side. But before we get to the boring and schmaltzy crap of Long Pole Joel talking to his girlfriend, we get the even more boring crap of everyone else getting their SMS time. Link also implies that they have "15 minutes or so", which makes a mockery of the entire purpose. Yes, even more than the actual concept of everyone getting a reward even though only Long Pole Joel won the challenge. Also, did I mention: TELSTRA? Link re-explains Long Pole Joel's reward, now flanked by some carefully product placed Pepsi and Doritos. He also asks a bunch of stupid personal questions about Claudia, so that we get the feeling this is going to be much more exciting than we're expecting. It won't work. And Link's so sure it won't work, he displays even less interest in Long Pole Joel than usual. Which is hard to do, given he hasn't been shown communicating with Long Pole Joel for seven episodes now.

Apparently "through the wonders of technology", Link turns on the webcam to show Claudia on the screen. The image comes across as though someone has enlarged a low-quality Youtube video over the whole screen. Not that I've ever done that to see what it would look like or anything. Long Pole Joel bursts into tears as soon as he sees her, though, so that's disappointing. Even when we get shown the actual footage from the webcam, it still comes up a bit snowy, but strangely enough the reminders that this blunderful prize is courtesy of Intel and Telstra come through loud and clear. They cry and talk. It's supposed to be tear-jerking. Claudia wants Long Pole Joel to keep his epic failure of a beard. She Anna Corens her way into asking how much he's missing his family, and he is, which is convenient because they're also there. Don't some of those people have real jobs they could go to instead of ruining my enjoyment of this show even more? Joel claps and squeals like a performing seal. Claudia feels the need to remind him that it's his family, because he thought they were a bunch of traveling serial killers. We do not get to see Long Pole Joel talking to his family, mercifully enough.

But we do have to put up with the SMS stuff still. Hatie points out that it's her parents' anniversary on this day. Everybody cries. You can hear Long Pole Joel talking in the background throughout this whole scene, if you listen closely enough. Sciona has on her glasses and is old-lady typing into the phone.

Back with Long Pole Joel, Claudia implies that the only way to make him happy is to invite his mother in. They must have one freaky sex life. Eventually, Link comes up and puts his hand on Joel's, reminding him that his time is up. The others are probably still texting.

The good news is that we don't care about any of the aftermath, because we get taken straight to the tribe's Bucket Mail, which contains a model ship. Ew. Knob and Sciona get it.

Today you may decide to sink or swim

There can only be one in the end who will win

Balance and poise will come into play

If you're good at it, it could be a long day

Straight and upright you'll have to be

To win the all-important Immunity

Surprisingly, Knob almost predicts it correctly. And now I'm happy they gave the message as a boat, because it means he still has that zero percent track record. But Sciona gets the right word, "pontoon". In other news, I am happy they are finally testing poise in a challenge.

The previews shots show what appears to be six of those pallets they used to stack things on at the ends of supermarket aisles, each being kept afloat by barrels.

Commercials. In the words of Savage Garden, "I believe that God does not endorse TV evangelists". So shut up, that idiot on Channel Te[e]n who's always preaching by the time I finish one of these recaps.

There are clouds, and there are the pallet pontoons again. There is the tribe, and there is Link welcoming them again, as though he didn't just see them a few hours ago, before he went to go claim the five-cent refund for taking Long Pole Joel's empty Pepsi can to be recycled.

The challenge is exactly as Sciona guessed. Wade out to one of the pontoons, and stand there. Last person who can do it without falling off wins. And you can't touch the oversized platform with anything except your feet, which will hilariously come into play later on. It's an original challenge idea. It's so original, in fact, that Mark Burnett borrowed it for Survivor Marquesas after September 11 forced him to switch the location for the series from Jordan. (But on that occasion, the final ten -- it was in the merge episode -- all sucked and it was over quickly. And bringing this entire recap thing back to one of the very first sentences I wrote for this show, it resulted in the ouster of one "Boston" Rob Mariano.)

At this point, Link also assumes Craig's role by reminding everyone how vulnerable they should be, and the editors cut directly to Hatie looking nervous. I love the editors. So much so, that here's a screencap:

Everybody has already waded out and is standing on their palletoon. Link asks if everyone's ready, and of course they are, given they're all standing up already. Go. People stand, and they do it for so long that we get a graphic telling us that half an hour has elapsed just before Sophie falls off her purple raft, which supposedly happens at three-quarters of an hour. Link reminds Sophie she's out, just in case she hadn't gathered that from the weird, water-like substance now covering everything below her neck. There is yet more standing.

Knob wants Joel to perform "one of those Ice-T raps". Humorously, he says it just as he raises his arms in stereotypical gangsta pose, trying to balance. Don't do it, Long Pole Joel! Don't you remember what happened when Richard Hatch sang "99 Bottles Of Beer On The Wall"? Apparently, Long Pole Joel does not, because he soon begins both singing and White Guy Dancing. Oh, joy. You can tell it's bad when I don't even feel like making a jibe about him saying "making me so horny" in a girly voice. Also, Hatie sings along, but she doesn't dance. Which is lucky for her (but not for me), because Long Pole Joel falls off at 55 minutes. Hatie laughs at him and Knob mocks his stupidity, while the others just clap impolitely.

One hour. Princess Jane starts talking about what it would take to get her out of the game, and Link sheepishly stands on shore, wondering what she wants. Princess Jane wants a big bunch of chocolate and chips. What a shame the show isn't sponsored by, say, Lay's and Cadbury's.

...Oh, wait. Crap.

The next thing we see, there's a remote control boat, which has a small packet of those sour cream and onion chips from Episode 7 balanced on the hull. Link pilots the boat straight for Princess Jane's palletoon, which makes me think he's had experience teasing people like this. She asks Link if she can grab the chips, and Link says she can, but she'll be out if she touches her palletoon. Link gives her a chance, which she misses. He guides the boat around her, stopping again. She gets within inches of it before Link steers it away, telling her she's already had a chance. Knob reaches the boat's aerial as Link steers it near him, and grabs the chips. Link yells out like a stubborn kid that he wants his boat back (HA!) and Knob reaches down to put it into the water. As he does, his fingertips touch the platform for balance. Link correctly takes him out of the challenge, but says he can keep the damn chips. They're damaged merchandise now, anyway. It happens at one hour, fifteen minutes, because we are again getting very precise with people getting booted from the challenge.

Link comes back out with chocolate in both hands. Princess Jane tells him that she'll get off her palletoon for all the chocolate in Link's hands, and in his pockets, and a packet of chips in addition to all of that. Yeah, not going to happen. She tries again, angling for everything she said except for the chips, and Link, now almost testicle-deep in the water, tells her he can only offer her a box of Favourites. He can give Sciona a couple of Cherry Ripes. This is interesting, offering each person a different incentive to quit. On the one hand, it's a little unfair, given Sciona probably enjoys her Cherry Ripes more than Princess Jane enjoys any random chocolate you could pull out of the Favourites box, but at the same time, it's definitely an original idea, and one Probst still hasn't done to this date. Princess Jane, having successfully failed to negotiate a good deal, quits for the box of chocolates. But of course, she's not getting off without some help, so Link carries her to shore on his back, as an unusually-clear graphic tells us that the remaining two people -- Sciona and Hatie -- have been out there for one hour and fifty minutes.

At 2 hours and 15 minutes, Link asks why they're still out there, and Hatie says she wants to wear the necklace. Couldn't Sciona just let her try on the necklace, and save me having to watch people standing there? Link realises they could be there all night.

He also realises later on that over two and a half hours have passed, and wonders if either of them needs to go to the loo. WhoreBoy points out they could just drop trou and lean backwards, but Hatie takes a slightly less classless option (only just, though) and points out she hasn't got anything inside her which needs to come out. Link tells them there are still several hours until sunset.

Three hours. Lots of fading. Sciona offers to negotiate and boringly explains why she wants to win the Immunity Hypno-Disc. In the middle of explaining why she's going to give up, Hatie falls off. I still don't like her, but... that was slightly amusing. So, after 3 hours and 40 minutes, Sciona wins the Immunity Shoe Buffer. She walks in to get it, because Link has already screwed his back enough for one challenge. Knob hugs her.

Commercials. Underwater Survivor has been cancelled.

It's Day 33, and the players are woken up by a crane shot of their camp. I can't recall any other time I've ever seen a crane shot of a tribe camp. Tribal Council? Yeah. Challenges? Sure. Camp? ...Nothing. But that's not important, because Long Pole Joel is confessionaling. He says that he knows he's on the chopping block now, because he lost the challenge, and there's an alliance he's not a part of. Stupid rapping. Long Pole Joel tells us he's not going down without a fight. Yeah, he should have thought about THAT when there was a chance he could beat the alliance.

Beach. Knob is writing in his journal, no doubt about how he came "thiiiiis" close to correctly guessing a challenge for once. He confessionals that he isn't here to be "a nice bloke". Mission accomplished, several times over. He provides us that whole scamming discussion we saw in the previews for this episode, but he also asks us why he would be here when he could be with his family. Um... restraining order, perhaps? He walks up to the rest of the tribe and said he "wouldn't be messing with a 22-year-old's head" if he was a nice person. And here I was, thinking Link and NoMind had nothing better to do than provide all this show's exposition.

It looks as though Knob's idea of fucking with Long Pole Joel's mind is to just talk to him like a normal person would. I can see how that would make him think absolutely nothing is wrong. Not. Knob gets someone to come with him to collect water (later, it turns out to be Long Pole Joel, but in this scene he's quite clearly talking to Hatie, which makes no sense at all), while Princess Jane and Sophie tell everyone they're going down to the beach.

We cut to the guys finding another gecko on the ground. Well, it beats kangaroos and Travelocity Roaming Gnomes (assy things ruined my damn Race). They discuss that at this point, they could probably eat it, they're so hungry.

At the Water Windmill, Long Pole Joel tells Knob and Sciona (ahhhhh, now it makes sense) that they're his only chance to stay in the game. He tries the "But I really want to stay here" line of reasoning to get them to keep him. Well, why wouldn't you? It worked so well for Bald Spice and Jeff and Deb and Caren and NoMind and Craig and Lance, after all. Sciona tells him there's about as much chance of him surviving the vote as there is of Knob carrying a conversation with someone. "Less than zero". Knob bitches, in something which sounds like a confessional but is edited not to be, that life goes on after you get voted off, and how Long Pole Joel's only young, and blah blah Hurry-Up-And-Snuff-Me-Already-cakes. Long Pole Joel breaks into tears telling us he just wants to be strong enough to support the people in his normal life once he gets out of here, and he can't do that if he quits. Yes, that would be the crux of this discussion, wouldn't it?

Knob's arse walks across the screen. Thank Craig he's wearing pants. He sits it down next to Long Pole Joel (who's already next to Sciona). Long Pole Joel repeats his point one last time.

Waves. We see a wide shot of Princess Jane sitting on top of the rocks nearest us, and Sophie climbing up the rocks on the other side of the cove. A man's voice yells out to Sophie, just as a freak wave (caused by an unhappy Underwater Survivor contestant) soars into the sky on the other side of her rock. She scampers out of the way. Princess Jane manages to walk along the rocks unharmed. She tells Sophie how close she came to unintentionally recreating Titanic (which Knob would probably tell you happened on a pontoon). Sophie explains that, rocks being opaque as they are, she had no idea the wave was coming. In her confessional, she tells us that the contestants aren't provided with life jackets. We get to relive the wave in slomo as Sophie tells us that "it was scary". No shit.

The Aquarians walk back to camp, and Knob prattles on and on, eventually telling Long Pole Joel that there really has been an alliance. He revisionises that Hatie is not in the alliance at all, but thinks she is, and that Sophie is under the same impression. Long Pole Joel looks surprised to learn this, even though Lance's boot tipped him off to the fact that there is an alliance, and that Craig repeatedly tried telling him this very same information (albeit without mentioning the inner alliance). Long Pole Joel passive-aggressives about how it's their decision whether to consider him (one vote) more important than Hatie and Sophie (two votes). Honestly, as much as I despise Hatie and don't care about Sophie, this was an absolutely stupid move on Knob's part. If he ditches the girls, not only does he lose the majority vote, but he will also probably lose their votes on the final night. On the other hand, if Long Pole Joel uses the information that Hatie and Sophie are on the outer to his advantage, he could team up with those two and Princess Jane, and boot either him or Sciona now -- and it would be him, because Sciona is immune.

Knob confessionals that he promised Long Pole Joel that they could use their three votes -- not a majority, as you may recall -- to get rid of Princess Jane, and then get rid of Hatie and Sophie. And he wants Long Pole Joel to agree to throw the final Immunity Challenge so that he and Sciona are guaranteed to be the final two. Why the FUCK would anyone agree to starve themselves for that much longer, and then agree that it's not worth it and throw the final challenge on purpose so they can get voted out?! This is really the stupidest idea I think I've ever heard. Even Hatie trying to sway the Kadina votes back when Caren was still around made more sense. Knob also tells us in the confessional that he trusts Long Pole Joel.

Sciona boringly confessionals about how much the game changes.

As Knob tries finalising the deal with Long Pole Joel, Princess Jane walks up behind them and weakly rustles in the bushes for no reason. I think she noticed the last time Knob made an alliance deal with everyone. She confessionals that she feels safe, because she knows that Long Pole Joel is getting booted. She continues to gather twigs.

Sciona boringly confessionals about whether she should do what Knob wants, or go with the other girls and hope Hatie loses the last challenge. Shut up, Sciona. It's only interesting when I say it. (Granted, everything you say comes out sounding more interesting when I say it, because I have this thing called emotion. You might like to try it sometime.)

Knob tells us he's telling himself he's successfully managing to justify to himself his toolish behaviour to everyone else. Well, there's a shocker. He says he'll look like a bastard for doing it, but that there's a "bigger picture". I don't think "But I'm not an irredeemable dickweed in real life!" counts as a "bigger picture". Shut up, Knob.

Knob and Long Pole Joel hug.

Sciona boringly confessionals about how half a million dollars may not be worth sacrificing your integrity for. Well, of course not. I checked against the exchange rates of the time, and given the Aussie dollar was even more firmly down the crapper than Link's career at that point, it was equivalent to about a quarter of a million American, and only eighty-five thousand pounds. The British winners both got one million pounds. These contestants have a right to complain, given they've had the harshest environment in Survivor history. But anyway.

The tribe grabs their torches. Over a black as dark as Hatie's heart, the logo comes up, and we cut to...

Commercials. I watch Supernatural, and I'll be damned if Jared Padalecki's hair isn't always the thing which freaks me out the most in any given episode.

A stunning red sunset and sky takes us to the Aurora tribe, arriving at Tribal Council. Link says what he needs to say, and then reminds us of something that he doesn't need to, namely that 6 - 1 = 5. The jury comes in. NoMind is in this weird pink number. Hatie and Sophie are shocked to see that Lance shaved while he had the chance. Idiots. But in the most unfortunate development of all, it seems as though Craig has taken Link's idea of wearing only shirts in cold windy places. Ugh.

Sciona, does the Immunity Fast Forward feel slimy or smooth? She says she could get used to it. Link actually has to remind her how she won it, because he thinks that she might have cheated by falling asleep during the challenge. Or something, it's not exactly clear. His actual question has to do with whether the challenge was biased towards her. Well, she did win it, stupid. Next up, Link tries to trap Knob by asking whether his strategy changes. Knob immediately and stupidly says that his plan changes everyday, which Hatie should take as a warning, given how Eternally Overplanned her Complicated Alliance is. Sophie, you liked Lance. Does it feel strange to have (metaphorically) beaten the pants off of him? She says she misses him. Long Pole Joel, sorry to have not talked to you for the past seven episodes. How was "today" [meaning the episode has been edited out of order, AND that Telstra took forever to get their internet service fixed, AGAIN], talking to all those people from your normal life from who you were trying to escape? Joel says the reward sucked because he couldn't spend actual time with them. HA! Serves Telstra right for sucking so much. Because Link only just found out about the Long Pole, he's developed a new crush on Long Pole Joel, and even stays around for another question. Does not wearing the Immunity Amazon Bikini make you feel a little naked inside? He thinks it does. Princess Jane, are you still here? She is. Crisis averted. By the way, there has been yet another Foreshadowing Fest this episode (no, I'm not revealing what it is... yet), and it's getting ridiculous. Stop it, editors.

Time to vote. Which is weird, because right around now is when the tribe would usually be entering Tribal Council and being told where they can stick their torches. I think there's some extra reason to be around here for longer, which is disappointing, because these sequences are usually some of the worst to recap. But that doesn't matter, because Sciona votes. Knob votes. Princess Jane votes. Sophie votes. Hatie votes. Long Pole Joel must vote at some point, but if he does, we don't get to see it. Link goes to get the votes.

Long Pole Joel shivers.

Link returns with the votes. Long Pole Joel. Insert your own joke about how it was so hard to unroll that vote. I'll wait. Done? Good. Princess Jane. Long Pole Joel. Princess Jane. Two each. Long Pole Joel. If the next vote's for anyone except Princess Jane, Long Pole Joel is getting snuffed. And... Princess Jane. Oooooh.

So we have three votes each, meaning there's a tie between Long Pole Joel and Princess Jane, and one of the two people left I like is definitely going home. Damn it. Why couldn't we have taken the tiebreak rule from Marquesas, just this once? For those who don't know, the way it works is that basically the tribe has two minutes to decide -- unanimously -- which of the tied people is going home. And if they can't (or won't) come up with an answer, everybody EXCEPT for the people who were tied (and the Immunity winner, if there is one) has to draw rocks out of a bag. Whoever gets the purple rock is out. Here's why it would have worked here. Sciona, Long Pole Joel, and Princess Jane are safe, and thus the three people at risk would have been Knob, Hatie, and Sophie. I wouldn't exactly mourn losing Sophie from the game, and I would break out party hats and my singing voice if either of the other two got the purple rock. But instead we must lose someone decent for, like, the fifth week in a row.

Unfortunately, we're still using the very first set of rules. Long Pole Joel and Princess Jane get to explain why they want to stay, then the other four re-vote. If the tie is broken, most votes goes; otherwise, whoever has the most votes from past tribal councils goes. Which is a stupid idea, because there's every chance -- as we saw with the tribal part of this season -- one person got picked on a crappy tribe and has had more chances to get votes.

Princess Jane gets to go first, because of her troublesome vajoots. She says she's been herself (ew), and that she's given it "every single ounce of energy" she has. All two-point-six of them.

Long Pole Joel quite clearly has a much bigger dick than Princess Jane, so he gets to go second. He also says he "gave every piece of [him]self" to get as many Tiparas across the line as possible. Yawn. He feels he's played the game with as much integrity as he possibly can, which again is one of those annoying statements that's hard to disprove. In related news, I feel like I've been trying hard to not make any more Imaginary Baby jokes (and you're welcome). Interestingly, Long Pole Joel's only difference between his and Princess Jane's speech is that he replaces "being myself" with "trying not to lie".

I really hate this tiebreaker form more than any of the other ones I've ever seen. Well, aside from the one we'll see when I get up towards the end of Celebrity Survivor Vanuatu. But that's a rant for another day.

Time to vote, again. Sciona votes. Knob votes for Princess Jane, because of the Only-Slightly-Less-Complicated Plan he has with Sciona and Long Pole Joel. Sophie votes for Joel because she likes Princess Jane better. Valid reasoning. Hatie votes for Joel, holding her vote up with a bitchface even worse than usual, as if to say "yeah, I haven't change my mind about this, so just edit in my other reason if you want it". Link gets the votes, again, but not before some more Grade 1 Maths.

Princess Jane smiles nervously as Link returns, appearing to know what's about to happen. It's actually really endearing. Long Pole Joel. Long Pole Joel. Princess Jane. Princess Jane.

We're still tied, so we go to previous votes. Link as the contestants how many votes they've gotten, "to your knowledge". Which is pointless, because Link knows the answers. And he actually corrects Princess Jane, saying she's had a vote less than she thinks. Heh. But her four votes are still four more than Long Pole Joel's none, so she is out. She grabs her torch and is snuffed.

Damn. This makes four episodes in a row now that one of my favourite people has gotten booted. And now the only person left I don’t hate is Sophie. These next couple of weeks are going to be hell, what with a 20% chance of the winner being enjoyable. Great.

Link actually provides an interesting and relevant closing remark for once, mentioning that thinking you're safe doesn't necessarily make it so. He sends them back to camp.

Next week: Hatie has managed to find even more hate in her system for Knob and Sciona. I thought she used it all up with Craig. Crap. She thinks Knob and Sciona have "betrayed" her. Yes, they have, which is why I'm so annoyed that that "the enemy of my enemy is my friend" statement is complete bullshit right about now. Hatie tells Sophie to take her for granted. Long Pole Joel has the pow-AH. (Sorry, that "Bart is a faith healer" episode of the Simpsons is on in the background.) Long Pole Joel thinks he could be in the final two, not realising that whichever of the two cliques he chooses will probably boot him as soon as they don't need his vote to gain control of the game. Sigh.

Princess Jane loved that crappy challenge she won for Tipara back in the first episode. Which, now that I think about it, sort of ruins all the She Has Never Done Anything!-ness people were spouting off all the time. She goes all Bill and Ted on us and calls Survivor "the most excellent" time of her life. Awww.

1x10: He's A Threat, She's A Threat, We're All Threats

2009-10-12T00:49:00.003-07:00

There’s a whale playing around at the reward challenge, and then Princess Jane has her weight revealed in front of the… eighteen people still watching this show, and then Lance is voted out. It’s strangely boring, for what it is.

Previously on Snuffed! (Sniff.): Hatie prepared a batch of manipulative little snake poison, made almost entirely from her own venomous personality. It turned out Sciona actually did say "warrior" at least once out there, but not necessarily in the way Knob kept mocking her about it for. Craig tried to divide and conquer, but found out dividing's a little difficult when you're only one person. Sophie enjoyed Lance's reward pizza. She also enjoyed her fish eyes enough to win Immunity. We learned that Long Pole Joel also has a long tongue. Though Craig had a huge smile, we will never find out about his tongue, because he was amputated from the tribe. Now, seven are left. Who will be voted off... TONIGHT?

We head immediately to Day 28 at Aurora with the help of some freaky and pointless techno music beeps, a group some stock emus, and a kangaroo scratching himself. There, Lance and Long Pole Joel talk about how Craig was nice, but he was trying too hard to split up Tipara. Long Pole Joel says that he seemed to trust Craig's noticing of an alliance, but stopped as soon as Craig said who was in it. Which makes very little sense, given that if there is an alliance in a group of seven people, you know you're not in it, and you've already realised that Lance isn't in it, it's almost certain Knob is. I want to like you, Long Pole Joel, but you're making it hard. And by "hard", I mean "difficult", not any of the other meanings. Not that that's not necessarily also happening. Sciona confessionals that Craig told the truth and tried to get Lance and Long Pole Joel to notice the Complicated Alliance Of Eternal Overplanning. Interestingly, Sciona explains that Craig told her to vote for him so she didn't become vulnerable after he was gone. So... basically, he did what Lucindork did back in the first episode -- get the tribe to vote for him to protect the others -- except he didn't vote for himself. And it conveniently paints Sciona as Not A Lying Cow, so that's also good. For her. I still find it hard to like her.

Credits. Nothing says "surviving in a harsh and unforgiving environment" like an Irish jig.

Commercials. Grant Bowler pwns the frigging universe, and don't you forget it.

Knob ruins some shots of a pretty sunrise by walking to the beach, as does Sophie. He scrapes some shells or something from the rocks and tells Sophie that Craig knew all about the Complicated Alliance Of Eternal Overplanning, after Hatie told him. Which is completely wrong. As we were repeatedly reminded, Hatie hated Craig almost as much as I hate her, so there's no way in hell the pair of them would do a deal. Secondly, we saw that discussion, and Craig never mentioned Hatie's name. At all. Sophie confessionals over a shot of Hatie climbing down to the beach that she doesn't think she can trust Hatie. About time her alliance figured out she can't be trusted. Personally, I would have thought all those final-two deals she's been making would have sealed it. But apparently not. Rob tells Sophie that it's good that Craig lied to him, because now he has an excuse to get rid of Hatie when he needs to. Not that he needed an excuse to vote off, say, Craig or NoMind.

Hatie confessionals that the one person she trusts out here doesn't trust her back, and it's all because Craig is "a creep" and because he upset her and Knob. She says Craig could have ruined her whole game. So it's nice to see Craig did something to help viewers like me from turning off completely once he got booted. Hatie continues her morning rantage, saying that Knob wouldn't talk to her or touch her (here, the Imaginary love story starts blurring the lines between fake and real). She also says that Knob feels upset about it, "which of course he should be". It's not entirely clear whether Hatie thinks Knob should be upset because he doesn't want to talk to her, or because he's the new scapegoat now that Craig is gone, but in either case, she needs therapy. Actually, given her past behaviour, she needs therapy even without that comment.

Hatie confronts Knob. She says she woke up feeling anxious because she didn't know how he was feeling. I woke up this morning confused that she had feelings, so I guess it all works out. She whines about how she singled him out for her Complicated Alliance Of Eternal Overplanning. And how that hasn't changed. Knob tells her he needs to know she still supports him, because otherwise his game is down the crapper too. What game? He's just leeched onto Hatie's alliance. He hasn't done anything on his own since he swayed Long Pole Joel's vote back in Episode 4. Hatie offers him a hug and calls him "a really good boy", as though he was a kindergartner. Knob calls her "a naughty girl", and we're back in the territory they should really seek a therapist for.

In the same confessional as before, Hatie finally tells us her preferred boot order after weeks of refusing -- Long Pole Joel first, then Lance, Princess Jane, Sophie, and Sciona; leaving her and Knob at the end. And, of course, her cuisine will reign supreme. But that could all change if Knob chooses to compete against a different Iron Chef. Which is entirely possible. Let's take a look at each person's Iron Chef alter ego, shall we?

Princess Jane is Iron Chef Swiss -- Loves her chocolate, insists she's totally adorable, and yet still considers herself neutral in the grand scheme of things. Long Pole Joel is Iron Chef New Zealander -- Sheep all the way, but is still trying to convince himself and others that he has more to offer. Lance is Iron Chef Canadian -- On the edge of the train wreck, but he's still completely redeemable even though you're trying to find a reason not to like him. Sarah Palin would consider him exotic. Sciona is Iron Chef Norwegian -- A rich history, has no problems with the cold environment and living off the land, and is well known even though nobody can quite figure out why. And Sophie is Iron Chef British -- A major figure physically and strategically, and yet remarkably bland and unmemorable.

As for Knob and Hatie? Hatie is Iron Chef Russian -- gives off the impression of being cold-hearted, is domineering to the people closest to her, and is trying to convince herself that her role in regards to everyone else is more important than it really is. And Knob, therefore, is Iron Chef Ukrainian -- capable of thinking for himself to the point of actually coming up with what everyone thinks is a Russian idea, but is still seemingly dependent on the Russians for support. (When I mentioned Knob was Iron Chef Ukrainian, WhoreBoy made a Chernobyl joke that was so horrifically funny that EmoHunk, who was also watching and snarking on this episode with us, literally wet his pants laughing. Since I don't want to be responsible for that happening again, please feel free to try and create the joke yourself.)

So pretty much anybody would be more advantageous from his point of view than Hatie.

That was quite a weird little interlude. Anyway. Moving on.

Knob confessionals that he "doesn't necessarily believe" Hatie, but that she'll be pissed if he doesn't do what she wants. See? Ukrainian. Has it written all over his face. It's in Cyrillic, but it's there.

Lance dumps the big fishing net into the water, and waves are mild.

The five beach dwellers walk back to camp, not that we found out who the fifth is. There, Long Pole Joel scoops his morning rice up and passes the bucket on. Princess Jane confessionals that he blows his nose with his hands, and then uses the same snot-covered hands to get his rice. She says it's "disgusting" and it makes her feel ill. Yeah, me too. Especially considering he's had one shower and no girlfriends over the last 28 days. She says it's also annoying because he takes "a mountain" of rice compared to everyone else. Jane is lying down while in her confessional; in a field or whatever it is which can't possibly be real. It's just too fake-looking, especially with the sky that colour in the background. It's like matching up photos of the kid and kid-loving Michael Jacksons. Long Pole Joel confessionals that Princess Jane doesn't do much, food-wise, and yet still eats as much as everyone else. Which is still much less than you, so shut it. He thinks she'll be voted off next.

Knob calls the game "the most amazing observation of people I've ever been, you know, thrown in front of". The ever-morbid WhoreBoy wonders aloud if we can get a second amazing observation of people, whatever that is, to take on the form of a speeding vehicle. He says there's greed, stress, tension, and a feeling of "how am I going to cope with that person for another night?" Down here in Not Everything Is Imaginary-Land, we call that lust, Knob.

We white out and cut to the Bucket Mail, which Sciona and Sophie get. It's a thick tree branch, and it says:

Take aim, take aim, to miss will be dire

Pull back on the cord, then open fire

Land on the mark as often as can be

And you'll be sitting down for afternoon tea

They are both unreasonably excited to see the words "afternoon tea".

Our challenge preview shots this time are a giant yellow ring floating in the water, some yellow painted cricket balls, and a slingshot. Fun! Once again, we are spared the chance to see Knob incorrectly guess the challenge, which means that that joke is almost obsolete. Almost.

Commercials. Shut up, Miley Cyrus.

A helicopter flies over the waves to the floating ring. We find out that there are several sets of balls, each a different colour. A scoreboard, which looks like that crappy one from NoMind's reward, reveals that Long Pole Joel has green balls (that's not what I've heard), Sophie's are orange, Lance's are yellow, Princess Jane's are red, Knob's are lilac, Sciona's are also yellow (I'd suggest that one is Kadina green, but we already have Joel's as green, too), and Hatie's are white, because she is so perfect and innocent and whatever.

Link welcomes them to the challenge. He marvels at the view, and believe it or not, that will actually turn out to be relevant in about five minutes' time. He also mentions how ugly the yellow ring is, all cluttering up the landscape out there. So your job is to use it for target practice. Each person has to take turns using a giant slingshot to fire "missiles" (the cricket balls) as the ring. You get one point for every ball that lands inside the ring. Weirdly, Link actually tries to demonstrate the slingshot, not realising that he doesn't have the balls to do it. Whoever gets the most balls inside the ring wins Devonshire tea (or Devonshire coffee, or Devonshire hot chocolate, apparently). Simple.

Despite the scoreboard's order, Sciona is first. She thinks she overshot it, but it lands well short of the ring. Knob is closer, but off to the right and still a little too short. Lance gets down on one knee to aim, and it's hard to tell where it lands because of the sun glare on the water. Sophie also crouches, and hers touches the outside of the ring. But it's the outside, so she doesn't get anything. Princess Jane gets the right length, but is a few feet right. Hatie aims and shoots. Knob obnoxiously tells her it's going to go in, but it goes a bit too far. Heh. Long Pole Joel seems to have surprisingly little experience aiming at things that far away, landing both short and slightly to the left. Sciona is just short. Knob's lands on top of an underwater camera. The Underwater Survivors are under the water, wondering whether Andrew Symonds is on another fishing trip. Lance. Miss. Sophie. Another close miss. Princess Jane scores. Woo! A graphic reminds us of the fact, in case we can't count up to the impressive grand total of one point. Hatie misses. Long Pole Joel overcompensates from his last attempt and goes too far. Sciona comments that it's her last ball, and Link agrees. Now, he won't be the only one up there without any balls! Sciona misses. Knob's final shot is the worst so far. Ha! Lance misses by centimetres. Princess Jane is still leading. Sophie misses. Princess Jane misses. Hatie misses. Everyone comments on Hatie's "perfect length", just in case she whines and demands another attempt. Link realises before anyone that Long Pole Joel's last ball is wind-affected, and Princess Jane, the one everyone kept thinking was worthless and couldn't beat anyone, let alone Craig, wins a challenge. And not a Biggest Breasts Challenge. Hatie tells her she deserves it. That probably won't stop her from bitching about Princess Jane as soon as she gets home. Or she could be efficient and start ranting now.

A whale breaches in the water. Angelic music plays as Sciona realises and Long Pole Joel tells everyone he's never seen one before. Not even Moby Dick? (EmoHunk says thank you, reminds you he is here until Thursday, and encourages you to try the chicken.) They all notice. The whale heads straight for the ring, and wonders if its fin will trick Link into giving it the reward. Hey, whales like scones! Link realises that he's as superfluous as Boo Boo at the moment, and hands over the pic-a-nic basket without much of a fuss. He still has to point out everything there, but at least there's no product placement from the strawberry farm or anything. In other news, the whale gets close to the underwater camera, and the Underwater Survivors find out about this and try to complain to the producers about only ever getting to see whale arse. And if they do, they could always give some kangaroos snorkels. ["Boing... Boing... Chomp!" -- WhoreBoy]

Everyone tells Princess Jane to not bother sharing, since the reward is so small. Pfft. That's their only reason?! Shut up, Aurora.

The whale continues swimming, and it's surprisingly difficult to recap. You can't really snark on a whale.

The tribe propose naming it after Princess Jane. Princess Jane is not shown reacting to the news they think she's as big as a whale. (Princess Jane: "I wanted to call it Knob's Ego.")

Jane eats. The whale nudges the ring, apparently trying to go inside it. But because he nudged it, Link has to take the reward away from Princess Jane and give it to Sophie. I'm sorry, but those are the rules. Except he doesn't.

Everybody is in awe. The whale expresses its confusion over the big yellow ring. Aww, poor Knob's Ego!

Okay, I don't care what you think of the show or the cast or the challenges or whatever. But that whale sequence was without question the most spectacular thing I have ever seen on Survivor, and possibly on any show, period. Wow. I'd like to see a monkey interfering with a challenge on the American version. I guarantee you Probst would not be happy that he's not the most important person there.

Cliffs in silhouette. Sunset. Beautiful. Knob bending over. Not so much. He's doing it to scrape more stuff from the rocks. Long Pole Joel threads a fishing line. Lance is also getting his rocks off. The tribe walks back home. They cook their abalone or mussels or whatever it is, and Long Pole Joel shows off his giant pile of fish. Long Pole Joel tells everyone a random story about how a seal made off with a fishing hook. Dull, no matter how enthusiastic he is about telling the story. (Relevant New Zealand joke of choice here.)

A seal, perhaps the one he's talking about, swims past an underwater camera.

Commercials. Given the need for immigrants to speak English competently enough to pass the citizenship test, why doesn't SBS put subtitles on its daytime news shows?

It's Day 29 at Aurora. Only ten days left with these people, thank God. Assorted props decorate the camp. Knob writes a driftwood birthday card to his son Gabriel, because it's his birthday. I'm just glad he didn't actually write "Booba". Knob confessionals that he considered not coming out here, because he didn't want to miss his first birthday and his first steps. Knob is clearly on the verge of tears. I am quite possibly the least emotional person in the world about this sort of stuff, but: If you don't want to miss such important events, then don't apply. I can assure you I wouldn't have missed you.

Sciona tells us that today is tough for Knob. Whatever. Hatie hugs Knob because today is tough for Knob. I get it, editors. Really. Hatie marvels at driftwood, as though she doesn't see enough of it when she goes down to the beach. Lance and Long Pole Joel, who have apparently been sitting in front of Knob and Hatie the whole time, begin talking to them and Knob has to bitch to Long Pole Joel that he's "not a high-five type of guy". Shut up, Knob. But he doesn't, because he confessionals about how annoyingly cheery Long Pole Joel is. For God's sake. He's just trying to congratulate you for managing to not repulse one woman in the universe, so accept his warm wishes before even he stops bothering. Princess Jane also confessionals that Long Pole Joel's starting to get a little annoying. And since she hasn't been a total whiny bitch this whole game, I'm inclined to put more value in her comments. See how that works, Knob? When you piss people off, they don't care. When you don't, they listen.

Long Pole Joel confessionals that he's been himself the entire time. Can we please ban all references to being real from these shows? When people talk about how they're always being themselves, then they're not being themselves. But in better news, Long Pole Joel is shirtless. Mmmmm. Craig who? (Just kidding.)

Hatie confessionals that she wants to boot Long Pole Joel because he's big and strong.

As Long Pole Joel carries a big tree branch around, Knob confessionals that everyone else is thinking Long Pole Joel is starting to lose it. As opposed to you and Hatie, who are totally and completely sane? Knob adds that Long Pole Joel will be voted out unless he wins Immunity.

Sciona and Lance eat plants and discuss them. It's not an important scene. Sophie confessionals that the lack of food makes her tired. Who'd'a thunk it? She says that the tribe is "the walking dead half the time". And the other half of the time, they're making confessionals about how they're the walking dead.

Sophie and Lance talk about food, and Sciona confessionals that it's boring to hear people talk about food and hear the same recipes over and over and over. Coincidentally, it gets boring hearing the same confessionals over and over and over. Take note, Biggest Loser Australia producers.

Big ants. Also bees.

The Water Windmill, still windmilling as it was back on Day 1. Sophie confessionals that her plan was to blend in and fly under the radar. Mission accomplished. I think it took until about Episode 8 or so before she did something other than rock the challenges.

More bees. Bzzzzz.

Hatie and Sophie gather water. Well, Sophie gathers, while Hatie opens her pants so that a bee can fly in. They laugh, which is not the reaction I would have expected.

Yet another sweeping helicopter shot takes us to the Bucket Mail. Do we have to read the damn message every time? Yes, we do, and this time it's Long Pole Joel and Princess Jane who get the "honour" of reading the painted rock:

Your challenge today for you to treasure

Is to keep a cool head amidst the pressure

The task you complete is not for pleasure

Immunity will be for the one who can measure

The now-traditional Challenge Preview Shots are even more boring than usual this time around, and contain assorted buckets and scales.

Assorted scales and buckets.

Commercials. Tonight in the Nein Newsroom: James Mathison and Andrew G finally admit they're sleeping together.

Assorted timelapse shots of the cliffs. That don't mean anything, because today's challenge isn't at the beach. At the clearing, they walk in and Link give them the customary greeting from behind a table, before he takes away Sophie's Immunity Giant Fish Scales. This week, the challenge is all about things they "take for granted". Because apparently, it's possible to take volume and temperature for granted. Just like last week and back at the first challenge, there are different stages. This time, whoever is farthest away from "the correct answer" will be out of the challenge. Last person left wins. Simple. I think that, once again, this is a challenge that looks great in concept but doesn't translate to television too well.

The first stage is to search the surrounding area, find an object weighing one kilogram, and bring it back to Link's table. Everybody meanders around searching for rocks, and suddenly they are waiting to be measured. Lance is first. One and a quarter kilos. Hatie. Fifty grams more than Lance. Long Pole Joel. Four hundred grams. Sophie. 175. Princess Jane. She's 240 grams over the required weight. Sciona's is exceptionally close, and Link teases her about it being just a tiny bit short of a kilo. Knob. 150 grams. Link mocks him for how far off he is, and how eliminated he is.

The second stage is the same basic thing, except they're looking for something one metre long. Everybody grabs branches. Hatie thinks that yoga will help her work out how long one particular branch is. Lance holds up a branch taller than he is and appears to be seriously considering it. Part of the trick with this one is that the branches are bent, while the tape measure Link will use isn't. So, really, you're looking for something a little bit more than a metre long. Lance's stick is one metre twenty two. Hatie's is "nine twenty", which makes me think they're measuring in millimetres. Surprisingly to WhoreBoy, Long Pole Joel does not pull down his own pants and lie on the table. He provides a stick of his own, which is only half a centimetre longer than Link wanted. Nice recovery. Sophie's is 80.2cm, and she takes over Hatie's role as Subject Of Frequent Graphical Reminder Of Who Is Last. Princess Jane is only two centimetres off. Sciona is correct when she says she'll be joining Knob, because her stick is a quarter of a metre away.

In the third stage, each person has a stopwatch, which has been borrowed from the local school like that bus was in the first episode, because the producers are still cheap. They're measuring five minutes, but must start and stop the stopwatches themselves. And the screens are covered, so there's no cheating here. There is footage of people standing around and looking at the screen, even though they can't see it. Link asks everyone if they're done, and begins peeling off the masking tape, carefully holding the stopwatches up to the camera. He incorrectly notes that Lance's thirteen hundredths of a second is "thirteen tenths of a second". Yeah, not so much with the maths there, Link. But now why know why he recaps the votes so often at Tribal Council. Long Pole Joel smiles. Hatie's stopwatch is clocked at 5:36.85. Long Pole Joel has 5:41.83. Sophie also fucked up, even worse than Lance. Princess Jane: 5:40.94. Sophie is out, unsurprisingly. There should have been some way to ensure that everyone would start without a fuckup like that. One person could be a genuine mistake, two is bad planning.

Link brings the four buckets from the preview shots over to the table, because the fourth round is all about volume. One at a time, each player will use it to take some water out of a big barrel. Whoever's furthest from two litres is out. For no reason, Link reminds the four players that one will win the Immunity Dope-On-A-Rope. Princess Jane's white bucket is first. Long Pole Joel takes a lime green bucket. Hatie has yellow. Lance is blue. Link pours out the dyed water into a measuring jug like you'd use in your kitchen. Jane has 150 milliliters too much. Long Pole Joel has fifty less, but still one hundred more than he wants. Hatie is a quarter of a litre over. But she's saved, because Lance is a bit more under.

Round Five. Temperature. Link points out that he has a thermometer. When he says go, each person writes down the exact temperature (in °Celsius) at the challenge clearing at that time. They are given charcoal or crayons or something, which makes their writing look like some school kids did it. Hatie guesses 20.5°. Long Pole Joel has drawn a little cartoon person saying 24.6°. If they were eliminating whoever followed Link's instructions least accurately, he would be out. Princess Jane has 21.5°. So, in essence, Princess Jane is safe for this round. If the real temperature is 22.5° or lower, Long Pole Joel is out. If it's anything higher, Hatie is out. I'm not sure this round was truly thought out that well. The actual temperature is about thirty degrees, and so Hatie is out. Thank God. I was getting scared I'd have to recap her whining about how she had to try so hard to win Immunity, because everyone else didn't lay down their game for her. In other news, Princess Jane won the reward challenge and has now made it to the final of the Immunity Challenge, so anyone who keeps saying she's worthless at challenges is an idiot, KNOB. I kind of get the feeling that where Craig was the strong person on the intellectual tribe, she's the brainy person on the brawny tribe. Which kind of surprises me.

The final round is perhaps the most unusual of all. Princess Jane and Long Pole Joel must guess each other's weight. When they've both done it, they get on a set of scales and get weighed on national television. Unfortunately, we've already eliminated the biggest losers on the tribe from the challenge. After Princess Jane refuses to let him pick her up, Long Pole Joel guesses she weighs 45 kilos. Princess Jane guesses Long Pole Joel weighs 71 and a half kilos. Oooh, precise! Princess Jane gets on the scales and weighs 48.9 kilograms. An onscreen graphic tells us that Joel is 3.9 kilos under. It also has a darker strip behind it to make it easier to read, which I wish they would have done for all the other graphics this season, like they did in the first ever episode of the US version. Link gets down to crotch level to read Long Pole Joel's weight, which is 77.9 kilos. Long Pole Joel looks surprised. Bizarrely, the Serene Music Of Triumph waits until Long Pole Joel is told he's the winner, even though we know from having both guess graphics on screen at the same time. So Joel wins the Immunity Rice Scooper.

The tribe walks back to camp, where a shirtless and Immunity Skin Cancer Protection Device-wearing Long Pole Joel confessionals that everyone is equal unless they win the Immunity Deformed Maracas. Sophie confessionals that some of the tribe were going to vote for Long Pole Joel if he didn't win, and now they're all screwed. She talks to Princess Jane about it. Princess Jane confessionals that she was sad he won, because he would have been going home. And presumably she's also sad because now she's one of the weakest vulnerable people left, and is thinking she'll be getting some votes. Long Pole Joel ironically confessionals that he thinks he didn't need to win the challenge.

Commercials. The key to fulfilling your dreams? Is a good musical number.

Bland moon rising. Bees are apparently representative of South Australian lie again, but I couldn't figure out how they were relevant the first twenty times. It's Day 30, and Knob is writing a journal and thinking. Lance is doing his yoga. Hatie, Princess Jane, Long Pole Joel, and Sophie are in bed. How do we know all this? Because Sciona boringly exposits for us, even though we could also tell that just by watching the images on screen. Is there some reason these contestants think it's necessary to tell us what everyone else is doing, when they could tell us during their own screen time? Develop your own personalities, dammit! While I'm ranting, Lance continues his yoga. As Knob continues his writing and reflecting, a kangaroo stares straight at the camera, as though it's trying to tell us "can you get a load of this idiot?"

Sciona tells us it's going to be hot, and we can also see that from steaming shells she's cooking. She pours out a bucket of water.

In the sand dunes, Lance and Knob wonder where Long Pole Joel is. Knob thinks he grabbed a blanket and went to sleep in a hole. It's certainly preferable to having to sleep with Hatie, that's for sure. Not that Knob would know anything about that or anything. Knob confessionals that he and Lance have gotten on fine since the merge. In this interview, Knob's hair looks really horrible. It's got this weird mohawky thing going on, but it still winds up looking like Cameron Diaz's Semen Hair in whichever movie it was. Except it's dark. Oh, and since Knob is being nice about someone, we can be sure that person is about to be voted off. Thanks for sharing, Knob. Hatie confirms that Lance is the target, but that he's "an amazing man to have around". WhoreBoy and I notice at exactly the same time that she conveniently didn't use the same reasoning for Craig.

Sophie and Hatie notice Sciona's cooked breakfast. Hatie looks bemused that someone would bother cooking for Sophie.

Lance talks to Knob about how amazing Princess Jane is. I wouldn't necessarily go that far -- though certainly she has stepped up this week -- but at the same time it's nice to finally hear someone talk about her without bitching about the lack of work she does. You will not be surprised to learn that Knob does not appear to agree. Neither does Sciona, who opts in her confessional for the Older = Smarter reasoning in regards to Why Princess Jane Sucks.

The moaniest music on the planet teams up with the least wavy waves on the planet to take us to the non-Sciona women, who are walking down to the beach. There are shots of the Survivors having fun, for the first time in forever. Happily, Long Pole Joel is in a Speedo. Unhappily, so is Knob. Princess Jane points out that this is one of the first days since the start that was warm enough so that they didn't have to wear layers. But wasn't it over thirty degrees yesterday during the challenge? Why couldn’t they have done it then? In more interesting news, Princess Jane has replaced her ugly outfit from back then for a mauve bikini.

Knob confessionals that Princess Jane is much stronger now than she was during "the first couple of days". Why he uses back then as an example when people were still bitching about her being weak just last episode escapes me.

The girls continue sunbathing. Hatie gets pissed with gravity when her boobs look even flatter than usual. It's not shown, but you just know she did. What is shown, however, is Sophie and Jane discussing whether their old clothes were going to fit them when they got home. Sciona confessionals that the other women spend all day talking about shopping and food and which one of them Link has a secret crush on. She says it's "a different world" for her. And what makes it so different? Gratuitous nudity. Oh yes. Also, she says "separated" just as the camera guys get a nice clear shot of her arse crack. You know how people sometimes say they just threw up a little? I really did just throw up a little. I hope you're happy, Sciona's Naked Arse. She (the person, not the crack) says that she can't participate in their discussions because she doesn't shop or have kids or want to get married, but that she wants to talk to them more. Well, when you get out of here, adopt a kid if you need to. Also, please try not to get naked in front of television cameras again.

Princess Jane confessionals that Sciona keeps to herself, but that she's honest and not manipulative. I've got no comment on that, but can the editors please get away from the nude shots?

As water moves slowly, Knob confessionals that Sophie's a huge threat and Knob wants to get her out as soon as possible. He asks Hatie, who says she'd rather force Princess Jane to abdicate first. Hatie reminds Knob about how she struggled to vote for the people she was exceptionally close to, but did it anyway. Of course, we haven't actually had a vote yet where Sophie has been that close to whoever got voted out, so I assume the editors dumped this footage in from later on. Which is sad, because it means Knob and Hatie will both be safe. But I already knew that from how Knob talked about Lance before. (And Lance is one of the people Sophie was with when she was talking about telling them if they were getting booted last week, so it makes sense. As she reminds us about saying in a confessional.)

Lance dives for a shell, which looks like a gigantic mushroom. Back on shore, he confessionals about how he doesn't think there are any alliances yet, and WHICH GAME IS THIS? Lance tells the group he found some big abalone while he was swimming. He shows them the biggest abalone shell, and says that it's his new rice bowl. Princess Jane and Sophie laugh. You will not be surprised to learn that Hatie doesn't.

Princess Jane confessionals that none of the remaining players feel safe. The implied "Except for Long Pole Joel, who has the Immunity Link Repellent" is not added. Princess Jane seems surprised to discover that she could also be eliminated tonight.

Knob hugs Long Pole Joel from behind like a needy four-year-old, but Long Pole Joel tells him to fuck off because he can't see straight. Long Pole Joel drinks from a bag like you'd see people sculling from on a buck's night. Long Pole Joel confessionals again that he would feel safe even without the Immunity Y2K Repair Kit.

At sunset, everyone hikes to Tribal Council. Somebody's silhouette looks like they have a rife in their backpack. Huh.

Commercials. Does anybody ever actually use the thimble as their counter when they play Monopoly?

The tribe walks in and Link does his thang. Luckily, it's not stripping, because I have had just enough nudity for one episode. The jury comes in and... wow, and I thought Craig was hot before. Oh, and NoMind also looks good.

Knob, you must feel like the worst dad ever after missing your kid's birthday. Do you? He doesn't appear to feel too bad, but promises "to try" and make "most" of his "milestones" from now on. That makes no sense. Is there some sort of milestone you would deliberately choose not to witness? And given that he's now an entire year old, poopy nappies and barfing do not count. Sciona, does not having supplies necessary to catch food make catching food a little bit harder? Sciona says it's not a good position, but avoids saying whether it makes catching food harder. Lance, do you feel safe? Lance mentions it's like friends playing cards at this point, and Knob rolls his eyes. Of course he does. Hatie, you hated Craig more than Mulder hated the Cigarette-Smoking Man, so are you happier now that he's gone? Yes, she is, because it means she can feel comfortable with a majority alliance. Link reminds Hatie that she now has to vote a Tipara off four the first time in six episodes, and she seems happy to do so if it means she gets out of here quicker. Sophie, how important is honesty and integrity in this game? She says it's impossible to be happy with your level of both and yet still be playing the game to the best of your ability, which is completely the most perfect answer she could have given.

Once AGAIN, Long Pole Joel is ignored, but at least this time he gets to vote first. He votes for Princess Jane, because he thinks she's done the least to get as far as she has. Well, of course, she hasn't exactly needed to, but whatever. Princess Jane votes. Hatie votes. Sciona votes for Lance because integrity gets you nowhere. Sophie votes. Knob votes. Lance votes for "Sconia", even though it's hard for him. Apparently, it's even harder to spell the name of a person you've been around non-stop for the last month correctly.

Link grabs the minikeg. Lance. Lance. "Sconia". Lance. Princess Jane. Lance. And Lance is gone, even without Link reading the final vote. He gets his torch and is snuffed. Once again, Knob does not wave to Lance on the way out. Tool. Link says Lance might have been surprised by the vote, and tells the remaining six that there might be some more surprised to come. Not bloody likely.

Next week: Long Pole Joel sings Ice, Ice Baby, because he is still about fifteen years closer to knowing what is cool than Knob is. There is a challenge involving life rings and Hatie almost falling over. Woo! Knob reminds us all that he's not "squeaky clean", in case we hadn't gathered that from his self-congratulatory confessionals over the previous ten weeks. He appears to be trying to con Sciona and Long Pole Joel into something. Sciona boringly confessionals about how losing your integrity for money is "a bit cool, isn't it?" Clearly, she is even further behind the times than Knob and Long Pole Joel. Sophie, Long Pole Joel, and Princess Jane all cry. Knob appears to be trying to drown himself in a barrel. But a "freak wave" supposedly almost makes it happen to another person entirely, even though we can tell from watching closely that the wave loses its power while the camera is zooming in on its "victim".

Lance has enjoyed the experience. He was shocked by the vote. Yawn. Oh, and: Lance voted for “Sconia”, Long Pole Joel voted for Princess Jane, everyone else voted for Lance.

Is it just me, or do these people all sound really bored in their post-booting confessionals? Actually, now that I think of it, that was a boring episode on all fronts. Boring challenges, boring scheming, and an obvious boot. Please, God, let next week be better.

1x09: I Just Feel So Bad

2009-10-12T00:49:00.001-07:00

Which is worst: The fact that the reward challenge is made meaningless by everyone getting to share in the pizza; the appearance of the eating challenge; or the fact that Craig is voted out?

Previously on NoMind? No Money!: People bitched about how cold and wet it was. Other people were idiots and didn't think Craig was telling the truth about the Complicated Alliance Of Eternal Overplanning. There appeared to be a challenge involving fire for some reason, but Link doesn't mention when or why. NoMind was the next victim of the Complicated Alliance Of Eternal Overplanning, and the first to get the right to make the finalists' last night absolute torture. Now, we're halfway to a winner. Who will be voted out... TONIGHT?

Credits. I hardly remember anything about some of these people. The problem is that most of the people I don't remember much about are still in the game.

Commercials. Dear the AFL: Tasmania wants, needs, and deserves a team. Neither Western Sydney nor the Gold Coast are interested. Give it up already.

On Day 25, a hat confuses me and makes me think it's a bird. Well played, hat. In other news, kangaroos remind us once again that Hey Australia, We Didn't Ship These People To New Caledonia Overnight! Knob and Hatie stand around the fire, and Hatie whines in a confessional about how she feels "really shabby", and has for a few days now. She doesn't want to be around anybody, and doesn't even want people to look at her. See how fun it is when people you don’t like get this beat down? Hatie also bitches about how Princess Jane is pissing her off, because she is actually injured and is unable to walk to the Water Windmill, as opposed to Hatie's simple not wanting to go. She says that Sophie wants to keep Princess Jane around for as long as possible, but that she "doesn't fit the image of this game". Well, at this point, you don't quite fit the image of a woman, so I don't think you should complain, Hatie. Shut up.

Princess Jane says she woke up and thought everyone else had gone to the toilet. Or something.

Sciona walks and talks to Craig. She says she doesn't want to have to watch Craig keep winning without feeling like she can cheer for him. Even if she's boring as all hell, I think I'm beginning to like Sciona. Not much, but more than Knob and Hatie and Sophie, definitely.

Long Pole Joel confessionals completely unnecessarily about how he doesn't like the way that Craig has lied in order to try and not be voted out. Of course, Craig actually hasn't lied yet, he's just told you what's going on behind your back, and you were stupid enough to go and ask people to tell you their secret plan to last longer than you, which of COURSE they're not going to do. So shut up, Long Pole Joel.

Back with Craig and Sciona, he says it's stupid for people to try and deny there are alliances forming. And for Joel it's especially stupid, considering he was manipulated by the Complicated Alliance Of Eternal Overplanning into voting for Jeff all those episodes ago. And that every single Tipara has voted for the exact same person in each of the past two Tribal Councils.

Hatie confessionals that Craig is being a "conspirator" and a "weasel". Well, it takes one to know one. Though I have to admit I'm surprised she didn't choose Ferret as her animal insult of choice. She continues that she doesn't want to see her friends manipulated, and then points out that people might think she's doing that same thing herself, but she's a revisionist and doesn't think she is.

Hatie tells Lance that she's annoyed that Craig is "deliberately going out of his way" to be nice to people and to try and succeed in this game. WHICH IS THE ENTIRE FUCKING POINT OF THE GAME, YOU EVIL HARPY SHREW. She calls him an arsehole and explains how she can't wait for him to walk off that ship. Yeah, the feeling's mutual. I will be unable to contain my joy if you get booted either.

Sciona tells Knob she's not going to be voting against Craig because he deserves her respect. Yes he does. It's not his fault he got shoved on the tribe with all the nice people who sucked, unlike, say, St. Stephenie from Palau, who got on Ulong in one of those "Choose Who You Want" starts I absolutely despise. Knob confessionals about how close she is with Craig. Sciona says she needs to be able to support him with a clear conscience. So, basically, she wants out of the Complicated Alliance Of Eternal Overplanning. Knob confessionals about how Craig managed to charm her, except he goes all annoying and calls Craig and Sciona "warriors". Shut up, Knob. I think he may even be dead to Satan at this point.

Sciona wonders how they can make Craig feel like part of the tribe, and Knob suggests friendship bracelets made out of driftwood. No, really. How has this guy not been put in an insane asylum yet? Knob confessionals about how whatever they do to make Craig feel welcome won't matter because he'll be voted off as soon as possible anyway. And he laughs like it's the most ingenious plan anybody has ever invented. And it probably is the most ingenious plan anybody here (aside from Craig) has come up with, given that it doesn't require three notepads worth of paper just to write down all the machinations of or anything.

Sciona tells Knob about why she respects Craig, for not giving up when the rest of the tribe did (and, really, the only people who gave up were Sylvain and Bald Spice, given that even Lucindork seems to still want to be there when she was telling everyone to vote for her), and how he only really had one strong relationship with another person when he joined the merged tribe, and how he was literally in tears when NoMind was snuffed. Knob confessionals that he believes that Craig's crying was a complete act designed to get Sciona to feel sorry for him. Does this guy not even realise that people might actually start (shock! horror!) liking each other out here? Of course not, given that the only decent relationship he has with another person out here is Imaginary and all. Knob calls Craig "a clever dude". Well, at least I can agree with the statement, even if I can't agree with the tone of it, why it was said, or whom it was said by. After he winds up his conversation with Sciona, Knob rolls his eyes. Fuck off, Knob.

Landscape shots. Also shots of bees. Craig, Princess Jane, Sciona, and Sophie walk down to the beach, while Craig tells a story. As they see a group of emus, Sophie loudly impersonates one, and they fall for it. She does it again, and says she thinks she was an emu in a past life. Sciona wonders if what she said was "come here, I've got food", and Sophie the cunning linguist tells Sciona she's actually saying "come here, I want to eat you". Cute scene. And it also gives me a reason to remember Sophie.

Commercials. In the Nein Newsroom tonight, Raceguy apologises for not making a single Underwater Survivor joke during the recap of the last episode.

Right on cue, a helicopter flies over the water and all around the shore. I think the Underwater Survivors might be a bit further away. The tribe fishes, and Sciona catches a big one. Princess Jane has one of her own, and Sciona asks her if she's gutted a fish before. She hasn't but she did bring the equipment so that she could. Sciona has to show her where to begin, and she confessionals that Princess Jane doesn't do anything around camp, basically only because she doesn't have the skills. Well, if you would teach her how to do something instead of doing it for her every goddamn time, you wouldn't have this problem, now, would you? Long Pole Joel says the same thing, but adds that she doesn't even appear to compete at any challenges at all. Did he not notice that she outlasted Hatie with the poles last week, or that she solved that square puzzle quicker than half the tribe did (she beat Lance and Long Pole Joel himself, and Sciona, Caren, and NoMind never finished)? And she seemed to be actually trying with the shovels. And her story for that True/False challenge was a very believable lie, given her personality. So shut up, Long Pole Joel. Princess Jane uses a knife to pick up a fish from the ground. She confessionals that she thinks the rest of the tribe respects her for trying her hardest. Her level of trying definitely influences how the tribe sees her, sure, but it's not in the way you think, honey. She says that many of them have told her how much more confident she's become with her survival skills. As evidenced by her little display with that fish back there, apparently. Before, she would have made someone else pick it up. Now, she's doing it all on her own! She also says that she has much more self-esteem, and I can see that that is definitely true. She really has become much more independent than she looked during those first few days. Craig provides his own confessional about Princess Jane's worthlessness, and mentions that she always talks about food. But he does acknowledge that it might be a complete hoax, because people seem to want her votes. Even when he's being a bitch about someone, he's still willing to complement them. That's the first sign I've seen that it would never work between Craig and me. I mean, aside from the age thing (damn you WhoreBoy for pointing that out).

Kangaroos hop all around the walking tribe. A lizard stretches its tongue.

Sophie gets the Bucket Mail, flanked by Princess Jane, Sciona, and Craig. You know, if Lance were here, this would be the Group Of People Left Who I At Least Try To Like. It's a plank of wood. The message this time?

Isolated and alone, you must plan your attack

Choose your steps carefully, you can't go back

Pick off the others one by one

'Til alone you stand and your reward is won

The four of them are flummoxed and interested. A helicopter flies to the challenge site, where a giant grid has been marked out with rope and turf. The tribe walks in, and Link welcomes them. They're playing for pizza, in a return to the Car-Pepper reward format. There's also a product-placement can of Pepsi on the table with the pizza box, so that must also be a part of the reward, though Link doesn't mention it. Then again, I assume they don't get to eat the vase of flowers that's also there. The game is simple, and yet requires the camera to zoom up, up and away as Link explains it. There's a nine-by-nine square grid on the ground. Everybody can start on any square they wish. One at a time, you choose another square, and Link will put an "elimination disc" (basically a cardboard circle like in that ridiculous Boxes Immunity Challenge from the Outback season of the American version, except they're all yellow and unmarked) in that square. Then, you move one square in any direction, including backwards and diagonally. You put another disc in the square you vacated. If you can't move, you're out. The last person left on the board wins the pizza.

It's been bugging me since I first rewatched this episode (just after the 2008 Olympics) why this challenge looked so familiar, and aside from the elimination disc part of it, it's exactly the same as that Immunity Challenge Rudy won way back in the first season of the American version, which I absolutely loved as a concept. And, weirdly enough, the concept was also recycled with an additional twist on Survivor Marquesas too. I kind of think this challenge is here to spell out the pecking order to the clueless Tiparas. Maybe. But the problem is that everyone already knows Craig is at the bottom, and that it's setup to be slightly ambiguous about the fact, if that's why it's here. I still like the challenge, though.

In other news, just like I did with that square puzzle back in the merge episode, this one's going to be easier to describe with pictures. And you would be amazed at how hard it is to draw straight lines in Paint. So, here's how they start off:

There are three interesting things about which squares people chose. Firstly, Princess Jane has chosen the exact same square as Craig, but on the opposite side of the board. And Knob and Sophie have done the same thing. Secondly, for all his self-entitled bitching about "warriors", Knob is a knight's move away from three separate people. And finally, Hatie just has to be the centre of everything.

From now on assume that despite what the show says, all directions mentioned are as shown on that picture.

Knob goes first, and places his disc above Lance's square on the map. He moves downwards, so that he's closer to Hatie. Craig is next, and his disc separates Sciona and Hatie. Good idea. Hatie really won't be able to stand all that cheering if Craig wins this. He also moves towards Hatie, which is really the stupidest possible decision he could have made, given that his old square is now out of play, Knob and Hatie are diagonally adjacent and theirs will also be before his next turn, and Long Pole Joel is also two squares away. Lance dumps his disc to the right of Craig and moves diagonally towards the gridlock. Sciona's disc goes between Knob and Hatie, proving she too has some level of decency. And she also moves away from the bunch and towards Princess Jane. Sophie splits up Long Pole Joel and Craig (no more accidental fucking, you two), and moves upwards. Princess Jane almost-but-not-quite tries to cut Rob out of the game by putting her disc to the left of his starting position. She moves downwards, so that she's now standing next to Sophie. Unsurprisingly, Hatie puts hers beneath Craig, and he is now completely surrounded. Hatie moves towards Sophie. Long Pole Joel sticks his disc (relax, Joel's girlfriend, I said DISC, with an S) between all the ladies. Which is a smart move. He moves down, next to Craig's original start. So, after one round, here's how it looks:

As you can see, Craig is waiting for his next turn and he's gone. No pizza for you. Hatie has at most one move left. Depending on where other people get Link to run around to (which is a greatly understated visual gag, because Running Hosts Are Funny, as everyone who watched that TAR 11 episode in Mozambique can testify), Knob and Lance could also have only one more turn. They're both safe this time because of the order they move in (Knob is first, Lance is third), but next time they could be screwed. At this point, the only people who seem to be playing smart are Long Pole Joel and Sciona.

And it's onto the second round. Knob fills in the gap beneath Hatie (insert your own joke) and moves left. Craig is out. Lance's next move is "just over there, thanks", by which he means next to Sophie's original square. Here's where it gets hard to tell who's moving where, but thanks to the frequent aerial shots, I can tell you that Lance moves downwards. Sciona sticks her own disc behind Sophie and moves backwards. Sophie tells Link where to stick it (between Joel and Lance, even though that describes about four different squares). She moves up and to the right, the only way she can. Princess Jane also moves that way, after placing a disc left of her previous choice, and the first disc right on the edge of the board. Knob calls her nasty, as though it's inconceivable that someone could be so horrible as to try and stop him from winning a fucking PIZZA. Princess Jane laughs at his stupidity. I like Princess Jane more and more every week. Hatie is out. Woo! Long Pole Joel goes behind Sophie and moves down. After Round 2:

Sciona's doing well, having practically the entire top left quarter of the board to herself. Knob's pretty much screwed, and Sophie has to take that square to the right of Hatie's last square, otherwise she probably will be too. And even then, someone could block her and she'll be out anyway. This is quite a fun little challenge, as opposed to all the crappy other ones we had during the tribal stage.

To start Round 3, Knob puts his disc left of Sciona, and moves left himself. Lance chooses on the diagonal behind Sophie, and moves down and to the right. Sciona chooses above Princess Jane, then moves up and to the left. Sophie puts one in the bottom left corner, which makes no sense. Wait until someone stands there, and then box them off. It's not rocket surgery (though, I suppose, it may qualify as brain science). She takes the only move available to her. Princess Jane outwits ME by moving to the left rather than out to the edge, right after she takes the remaining square above Lance. She really is much smarter than people give her credit for. Joel takes the square above Sophie and stupidly moves down and to the right, not only cutting off one of his moves but also giving Knob an extra one. That's three rounds completed, so here's the grid, now looking like a deformed piece of purple frog roadkill:

Sophie will be out. Long Pole Joel has three moves left at the most. Knob and Princess Jane have four, but any of them could be booted sooner with the help of the elimination discs, which were a brilliant idea. Without them, we'd just be watching people move around. Assuming they move right and left respectively, Lance and Sciona have nine and thirteen squares left. It seems as though these two are the only ones left with a real chance.

But Sciona's chances take a dive when Knob and Lance block the two squares on her left on their next turn. Knob moves down (as he has to), and Lance moves right (as he should). Unless they gang up on him, Lance is winning this challenge. Sciona tries to get revenge on the wrong person (surprisingly, in this case) by putting her disc next to Knob. Heh. Unsurprisingly, he whines. Link apologises for having to eliminate Sophie. Princess Jane again makes a smart move, and takes the square diagonally in from the bottom right corner. It's right about now I think I should have numbered the squares. And put little images of their heads in the squares, complete with sad faces on the squares when they got booted. Except then I would have had to find something other than a bitchface for Hatie, and that would have been impossible. Anyway, Princess Jane moves straight up. But Long Pole Joel puts his disc to the right of her anyway, dooming her to beat only five people in this challenge. Completely worthless, that girl. After four rounds:

Lance is guaranteed to win, because, as much as I like this challenge idea, it's always anticlimactic whenever it gets used. From here, there is no point making more graphics. Besides, as fun as this challenge was to recap, it took me five freaking hours to do. For something which only ultimately made two and a half minutes of TV footage. Sigh. I think that took longer to do than the entirety of Episode 2, if I recall correctly. There’s every chance I’m not, though.

To start the next round, Knob tries to lie his way into an extra turn. Just like the Kadinas with his Imaginary booty call, Link isn't falling for it, and Knob is out. Buh-bye. Lance takes the square to the right of Long Pole Joel. Sciona is out, and so is Princess Jane. Weirdly, Link walks over to Sciona as she puts her last disc down, and then walks back to the middle of the right edge of the board, and then walks BACK to Princess Jane to collect her discs. Heh. Long Pole Joel gets Link to put his last disc in the square above the corner, and then moves up. Also weirdly, Lance does not realise he's won, complaining about being boxed in. Idiot. Five rounds in.

Lance moves over to the right, and Long Pole Joel is out. Lance wins. Long Pole Joel and Link both shake Lance’s hand. Link reminds Lance that he did all that just to win pizza, and then peer-pressures that he can do with that what he wants. Obviously as a consequence of this, Lance wants to know whether he can split it eight ways. Link passive-aggressives that it’s his decision, and he says he’ll split it eight ways. The tribe cheers. Link stifles a tear inside, because he always seems to miss his chance to be part of the popular crowd. I complain once again that sharing like this defeats the purpose of having the challenges in the first place. Give everyone left $62,500 or whatever it works out to and call the competition off already. Conveniently, there are eight slices. The girls kiss his cheeks European-style, and he has to practically a reluctant Long Pole Joel to do the same. Heh. He also asks Craig expectantly, and Craig just shakes his hand instead. The way Lance asked Craig makes me think that he thinks (or knows) that Craig is gay. It’s probably just my imagination. But what’s not is noticing that Knob and Hatie do not take any part in the celebratory kissing. Granted, Sciona doesn’t either, but then again it’s more fun to ignore her. The tribe eats, and Sciona says she’s saving hers for a rainy day. Sure. Whatever you say. Sophie in particular seems to enjoy her pizza.

The tribe walks back to camp. Craig confessionals about how Lance was generous. He says that the people in the Complicated Alliance Of Eternal Overplanning may have found the pizza “a little hard to swallow”. Now, there’s some sad foreshadowing for you. Also, the editors snarkily cut to Knob and Hatie walking arm-in-arm, like the Imaginary lovers they are. HA!

We see that the Water Windmill has “Southern Cross” written on it. Just another sign that You Are In Australia, And If You Ever Start To Forget, Remind Us So We Can Add In Some Kangaroos!

Sciona confessionals that she gave her pizza slice to Craig. Aw. Awww! But she put it in his bag without telling him, so he’s going to get a nasty surprise going through customs on the flight home. Or he would, if… you know, they actually left the country. She says she did it so that Craig realises that he’s not alone. Speaking of alone, here he is, walking past a sleeping Hatie. She does know she’s supposed to remove some clothing if she wants a tan, right?

Commercials. Tonight’s winning Tattslotto number is pi.

The tribe walks to the Water Windmill, past some more kangaroos, if that is at all possible. Joel and Sophie sing a song I definitely should recognize but don’t. The kangaroos appear to be enjoying the performance.

The windmill goes into time-lapse spasms. Craig goes off to talk to Sciona, and we get yet another Knob discussion explaining the warrior thing. This time, Hatie is listening, and she thinks he’s a manipulative dickweed (or “duckweed”) for trying to get along with people, even though they’re supposedly sick of doing it, because they are so much better than po’ widdle Craig wif his pafetic pwans to ovuhfwow dem. Bitch, bitch, bitch.

Craig tells Sciona he’s going fishing, presumably in case his boyfriend calls to find out why he’s 25 days late coming home from work.

As the sun supposedly sets* and the annoying moany music plays, some of the tribe goes down to the beach. Knob whines about how the lobster trap doesn’t close. Of course it doesn’t. How do you expect the fucking lobster to get into the fucking trap so you can fucking eat it, you fucking prick?

[I think the shot was played in reverse, or is from some other time entirely, given that it’s much brighter when they’re actually down at the water.]

Craig confessionals that he seems to get tougher as the game continues, and that he doesn’t know how far he can go before he breaks. Wow. Two insightful and non-ridiculous Journey! confessionals in one episode. What are the odds?

Lance’s silhouette stands against the sunset, down on the beach. Lance confessionals about how hungry he is, but how he was willing to cope with it, given that “millions of people around the world are doing it miles tougher”. Now THAT is the sort of thing you never expect to hear on a reality show. Well, maybe on one of The Amazing Race’s too-frequent visits to India, but aside from that, you’d never hear about poor people, because We Are Trying To Win A Game! Lance looks very weary staring off into the sunset. Craig confessionals that he hopes Lance can figure out a way to survive once “the game gets nasty”. After that last comment from him, me too.

Someone dumps the lobster trap into the water, and the sun sets. The Underwater Survivors appreciate the food.

The next day, Day 26, birds awaken the tribe. Lance asks how Craig slept, and Craig says he had a good night. Sciona tells us how great that is, like she’s an emo cheerleader. Lance and Craig go to the cliffs together. But Knob is already there, carving the word Aurora into a rock or a piece of wood or something. (In addition to my not doing Phys Ed last week, I also don’t do Art. Is anyone surprised at this point?)

In a hilarious shot, Craig is standing with his arms folded in front of some brush. Then, Lance pops up from behind, in the middle of his morning yoga. Whichever camera guy got that deserves a raise. Craig confessionals that he’s proven to himself that he’s not quite as incompetent as Hatie thinks, and now he wants to win another Immunity to really fuck up the Complicated Plan of Eternal Overplanning. Craig continues to watch Lance stretch.

Knob confessionals that Craig “guessed” which alliance had formed, and then told Lance to try and get him to realise that people are (gasp!) actually playing the game. Lance shows Craig his favourite yoga position, and Knob continues annoying me, by calling Craig or Lance, it’s not entirely which, Mohammed. Even if that wasn’t highly offensive to Muslims, there would be a time and a place, and I don’t think that was it. Shut up, Knob.

Lance and Craig get the Bucket Mail, which is made up of two big shells.

Wakey wakey, It’s time to eat

You’ve got 30 minutes to get on your feet

A taste sensation is what you desire

But there’ll be no cooking around the campfire

Come and see what your tasty treats will be

And one will go home with Immunity

On the one hand, that is possibly the absolute worst poem I have heard for any challenge in any version of this show. On the other, it does finally answer the burning question of how long teams get between the mail and the challenge. So… meh.

Everybody realises instantly that it’s time for them to face the Fear Factor Food Feast. Hatie looks pissed. Jane looks oddly excited. Sophie confessionals about how she had a dream about decent food, and then she woke up to find out about the gross food challenge. Heh. Sciona and Craig have a little fun about how it’ll be vegetarian food. Because spinach slice really is the grossest food of all, apparently.

We get shots of shells sitting on giant material spools, and one of an Exposition Hand lifting a shell to reveal some squid. Mmmm.

Commercials. If anyone can tell me how to change the blog so I can get previews of posts rather than having to deal with around seventy thousand words worth of recaps, it would be much appreciated.

Cliffs. More spools, disguised as actual tables by rocks. More shells. The tribes nervously walks in. Link takes the necklace from Craig. Link apologises for the challenge starting so early, and wonders aloud if it stopped the tribe from having breakfast. It did, and Link therefore assumes the tribe is hungry. And not in the Budapest kind of way. Link assures them it’s good they’re hungry, because they’ll need appetites to lose with the Immunity Challenge. He says that they’ll be facing “a selection of unusual seafood delicacies”, once again adding unnecessary words seemingly as though to make a point of knowing them. Link reminds the tribe that they were told to pick a partner for the challenge. However, they are going to be working against them rather than with them. Nobody cares. I’m not sure that was quite the big revelation they were probably expecting it to be. Lance literally licks his lips. Heh. The rules are simple. One pair at a time eats, and you have to eat everything you are given. The first to finish moves on to the next round, and so on until only one person is left. The first course is fish food. No, really. It’s a pilchard, and Link makes a point of saying that the local tuna eat them.

Waves. The Underwater Survivors have finished their lobster trap fish chunks, and want more.

The first pair is Sciona and Sophie. Sciona’s is a bit chewy, but Sophie manages to get hers down easily. Sophie wins. Next: Lance and Hatie. Hatie shoves it all in and then chews, Lance takes bites. Hatie wins. Knob versus Jane. Jane bites a little tiny bit of tail and spits it back out almost immediately. Knob eats his in two bites, complaining the entire way, as he does. The final pairing in this round is Craig and Long Pole Joel. It seems as though they were expecting that little twist to happen, because there is no way otherwise they would have allowed Long Pole Joel and Craig to team up. Anyway, they both shove it in, and Craig blocks his nose. He’s already been smelling the fish while everyone else was eating, so I’m not sure that did anything except restrict his breathing. Sadly, Long Pole Joel wins. Hatie cheers like a banshee. They don’t show it, but you can tell it’s her. Shut up, Hatie. Craig congratulates Joel.

The second round of this challenge is baby squid, and it looks like each person has three or so to get through. The pairs are Long Pole Joel and Sophie, and Knob and Hatie. As much as I like watching those two fight with each other, I think it’s more than a little unfair that Sophie, who went first, is against Long Pole Joel, who ate last. But there’s nothing I can do. These two are first, and unsurprisingly, Sophie wins. Even Link sounds bored with this when he announces that Hatie wins her matchup.

So it’s Hatie and Sophie facing off in the final, even though Hatie’s probably not going to try now that Craig is already out. At a green spool near the edge of the cliff, Link reveals the final course. Fish eyes. Delicious. By my count, there are sixteen for each person, so this isn’t the sort of meal where you can just shove them down, either. And it’s about time they had something difficult to eat, given that baby squid isn’t really that disgusting, and neither are pilchards. Link reminds them of the empty-mouth-empty-bowl rule, and also reminds them that This Is For Immunity. Ready? Wait… go! They start shoveling, and Link calls Hatie out twice for dropping her eyes on the ground. Hatie seems to do them as dry shots, putting one in her mouth and tilting back to swallow, while Sophie just hunkers down and eats. In either case, the music playing over this cannot possibly be good for their digestion. Sophie shows Link an empty mouth to win, and looks like she’s going to be sick. Link asks her not to throw up while he places the Immunity Frozen Giant Squid on her. Hee hee. Link is really very likable when he’s not reading from a script or inciting Mother Nature. He’s sort of like the 2002-era version of Ajay Rochester.

As Sophie hugs Hatie, someone calls her disgusting. Knob laughs. There is a shot of Hatie’s unfinished shell, showing that it wasn’t even close. That’s really the problem I have with eating challenges on this show – you can never tell how well people are doing until they actually finish eating, unless they are literally gagging. But at least the producers were willing to try something different and make this an Individual Challenge rather than a Tribal thing – remember, in the first three seasons of the American version (and Marquesas as well), the eating challenge was always the Episode 2 Immunity Challenge. So they do deserve some credit, even though the challenge was as dull as listening to Sciona.

Lance eats one of Hatie’s leftover eyes. Everyone laughs at him, except for Long Pole Joel, who both points and laughs. Knob says they’re full of protein. In fact, they’re so full of protein, he’s not even going to try eating them.

Waves, and not the fun Mexican kind.

The tribe walks back home, and unsurprisingly, Knob whines to Long Pole Joel like the spoiled little baby he is, complaining about how he likes real food. Shut up and fuck off, Knob.

Lance congratulates Sophie, and calls her a gun. Craig confessionals that he knew the food challenge would be his undoing. His Waterloo, if you will. Which I think is really sad, considering we all know Knob and Hatie are the ones with Napoleon complexes. Logically, I can’t really fault that Craig didn’t do well in that challenge at all, but at the same time it annoys me that we had two challenges in the same episode in which the Tipara were able to screw him over right from the beginning of the game. He calls the loss “hard to swallow”, and: exactly. For you, because you’re almost guaranteed to get the boot; and also for me, because I’m stuck recapping five boring, annoying, or downright nasty people (as well as Lance and Princess Jane) for the next five episodes. Ugh.

Hatie and Sophie discuss how hard it was to finish the fish eyes. Not that Hatie would know. Sophie confessionals that she would have performed the eating task quicker if she swallowed faster. See? She really is the NoMind of the Tipara tribe. Knob confessionals that “she was very, very good” (read: “Craig didn’t win”) and thinks the reason she was so good at eating fish eyes is because she feeds her kids. Uh… huh. Sciona says she can eat anything she likes after that, including another human being. Firstly, I think that that was Knob’s domain, and secondly, she patted Sophie herself as an example, because self-cannibalism is always fun. Knob confessionals that she’s a strong girl and that people don’t give her credit, because they’re all too busy primping his and Hatie’s egos. Except for that last part. Knob calls her “a real threat”. I was under the impression that anybody who made it through the casting process and then got to the final eight was a real threat to winning, but apparently Knob fails to understand how the game works. I feel like I shouldn’t be surprised at his idiocy at this point, but I still am, somehow. Shut up, Knob.

Everybody dries and burns their clothes over the fire. Knob asks about Hatie’s “movement”, and Hatie shares the fact that she took a crap. And that joins the ever-growing List Of Reasons Why Casting These Two People Was A Mistake. Princess Jane and Sciona discuss the fact that they all know each other too well to keep stuff like this secret, and I disagree. Frankly, when you drop the kids off at the pool is not important, unless they are actual kids and you are talking to whoever is going to pick them up.

Long Pole Joel and Craig take a walk. Long Pole Joel starts mumbling and Craig tells him to “spit it out”. He wants to confirm whether Hatie really approached him. Craig says she did, and that he already told him and Lance about her scheming bitchery. Craig mentions that Lance chose not to believe. Long Pole Joel looks confused that he wasn’t the only one who got told, and that he can believe Hatie’s doing it, but not Knob. Of course, that’s because Knob is staying back because he’s so socially incompetent.

Commercials. Australians, don’t forget: The Doctor Who Christmas episode airs on January 25th at 7:30pm, a whole five or so months earlier than usual. (Is this sort of stuff where the “Christmas in July” saying came from?)

Day 27. Sophie’s Immunity Gargoyle Poo hangs from a tree. Quick, Craig, steal it!

Sciona checks out Long Pole Joel’s fingers, one of which has a swollen joint. She confessionals about he she doesn’t want to go home, because she feels so much fitter and stronger and healthier out there. Staying out there for eternity without any food or a decent shelter? Fine by me. Just take Knob and Hatie with you. Sciona continues to help Long Pole Joel, as Knob confessionals that Sciona’s capable of doing all the work around camp by herself. That must explain why he’s never seen doing anything helpful. Even Princess Jane at least tries to do work.

Shots of the sand dunes and some brush, cutting to the tribe walking down to the coast through the scrub. See what they almost did there? They almost managed to make the establishing shots relevant for once. They failed, but it was a nice effort.

Sciona confessionals that she’s not as fit as she was 25 years ago, but that the “drive to win” never goes away. As long as she doesn’t say “the bloodthirst is unquenchable”, I’m fine with that sentiment. Sophie confessionals about how smart and trustworthy Sciona is. And we all remember how Sciona’s done trustworthy stuff throughout the game, like befriending Craig behind the backs of the rest of the Complicated Alliance Of Eternal Overplanning and promising not to vote for him. Just, you know, for future reference.

Hatie walks along the rocks to Knob, and blathers once more about how irritating Sciona is. You’ll notice that even Knob doesn’t have a problem with her. Hatie says it’s because Sciona’s always correcting her and telling her the best way to do things. Which makes sense, of course, because surprisingly enough, these sixteen people did not start out with exactly the same amount of experience surviving off of the land like this. Shut up, Hatie. Knob reminds her that they need either Sciona or Princess Jane in “the four”, and Hatie instantly backs down.

Sciona carries a fish to Craig, passing time by the fire before his inevitable boot, and tells him that she got her fishing line snagged on the rocks. Hatie bitches to Knob about how poor she is compared to Sophie, and I don’t care. On cue, Sophie confessionals that nobody here is worth trusting.

Rocks and waves.

Sophie tells Knob that she knows Hatie has made final-two deals with both him and Sciona. Knob says he knew, and confessionals that three people have already said they want to take him to the final Tribal Council. I assume he thinks it’s because he’s so perfect and wonderful, when in reality I think that it’s because they think he’ll be easy to beat. Of course, they could just be idiots like Hatie is. Sophie confessionals that she was one of the people who wanted to get to the end with Knob. Knob tells Sophie that he’s “always been wary” of Hatie, and that he “feels more solid” with Sophie. Knob confessionals that he thinks Sophie is playing the game as hard as anybody else left. If she is, we haven’t seen it. Then again, we haven’t really seen anybody except for Hatie, Craig, and whoever’s trying not to get voted out all season, so that’s hardly surprising. Sophie says she trusts Knob, but that she’s still going to watch her back. Aaaand I’m back to thinking about that thing I said about Knob misreading anal sex instructions. Thanks a lot, Sophie. Blecch.

Sciona finally executes her driftwood-and-pet-rock plan, making a big deal about it. Whatever.

The windmill continues to need some Ritalin.

Craig tells Sciona while walking to the Water Windmill that he’s not about to give up. Sciona confessionals that Craig is still fighting to win. Apparently, Craig said that if she told Lance and Long Pole Joel about the alliance, they could form a four-person alliance and maybe make it to the end. Hatie bitches about Craig’s attempt to not lose. AGAIN. If only I could recycle ‘86’ for Hatie. Sciona confessionals about how much Hatie was pissed that she was talking with Craig. We see Hatie saying it’s “killing” her to see the pair of them talking. Sciona says she really respects Craig, refraining from calling him a warrior. Hatie says she does too, which is how you can tell she’s reached that point where she’s just saying whatever it takes to get rid of him.

Craig confessionals that he got dealt a bad hand, but that he’s still got an ace up his sleeve. He actually says it’s the Joker, but that makes no sense. He tells Knob that it was him who gave him that exclamation-marked vote that caused me such recapping “joy” last week. Knob says he knew, and Knob is told that it’s part of a plan, and that everyone knew except him. You know, I love watching Craig and all, but telling him that made no sense at all strategically. Craig clarifies, saying that he and the others made a deal with someone (presumably Hatie) to split up the six Kadina votes between him and Lance. In a confessional, Craig tells us that this is just a lie to get Knob to watch his back, as we already knew from his confessionals last week.

Rob has apparently also deduced it was Hatie who made the non-existent deal, as she confessionals that Knob confronted her. She considers it “quite offensive” that Craig could even try and accuse her of making deals like she’s actually doing, and calls Craig “a manipulative little snake”. She does remember the whole rats-and-snakes speech Sue Hawk made in the first season, doesn’t she? And how snakes eat rats? And how she’s annoying little rodent? Just checking.

Commercials. Yeah, I’m not in the mood. Let’s just get this episode over and done with, shall we?

The sun sets on another day, and almost certainly on Kadina as everyone heads into Tribal Council. Link smartly notices the wind. When the tribe sits down, he reminds them that the Jury’s in session. NoMind comes in, looking clean and happy and is easily the most well-dressed person at Tribal Council. Sophie comments on her cleanliness and freshness, which must be a shock, considering the merge shower and the shower she got on her reward. She really hasn’t been dirty for about a week or so. Craig shows off his gigantic sexy smile, and Link explains yet again about how the jury works. But now onto things NoMind might actually be able to use.

Sophie, is the tribe feeding you all the crappy parts of the fish they catch now? Sophie says that nothing’s changes. Spoilsport. How did it feel to ruin the recapper’s enjoyment of this show? She felt really good, and she is now on the List. She also says that she never expected to win the food challenge. Lance, would the other people be as generous and stupid with their food as you were? Lance says they would have. Just another sign Lance does not know these people. Princess Jane, does everyone deserve to be here. Unsurprisingly, given that he asked the one person most people seem to think doesn’t, she says that everyone does because of how well they contribute and play the game. Long Pole Joel looks surprised. Knob, the Money Scarecrow is struggling to escape from that bungy harness Link tied around it after the challenge that got Sylvain booted. Do you want to yank the cord? Knob correctly surmises that this isn’t a picnic, and blathers on about stuff about goals and whatnot, which really doesn’t answer the question. Hatie, how self-aware are you? Not at all, to the point of virtually congratulating herself for being an arsehole. Craig, why do you think the Tipara might turn on themselves while they can still vote you off instead? He says he kept fighting, and does not try to convince the Tipara to do anything.

Long Pole Joel and Sciona are ignored again, meaning that Long Pole Joel has not spoken at Tribal Council since he got asked the very first question at Tipara’s only Tribal Council five weeks ago. It’s time to vote. Sciona votes. Jane votes with the feather quill they have and which I am only noticing now. It’s official; I am the least observant recapper ever. Long Pole Joel votes. Craig votes for Rob, claiming that since Kadina couldn’t shake the game up physically, they at least fucked with Tipara’s minds. I would have liked to see him vote for Hatie, since we all know how Knob reacts by now. Hatie votes for Craig and his trying to win. Sophie votes. Lance votes. Knob votes.

Link goes to count the votes. Once again, the tribe looks they could use a clown to entertain them. Also once again, Link returns with the votes. He’s a clown, but he’s not a laughing-at sort of clown. Anyway. Craig. Knob. Craig. Craig, with what Link generously calls a shark. Craig. Craig. Craig looks happy to be rid of these fools, and NoMind looks a little sad, just like she has throughout this Tribal Council. For some reason, they kept cutting to NoMind for Craig’s reaction shots throughout, which freaks me out a little. Craig is snuffed. As he walks off, most people wave. Notably, Knob doesn’t. But Hatie does, possibly because she thinks it’ll come off as a little less unbearably bitchy than she has over the past three weeks. It’s not working, especially when you can see something approaching genuine affection coming from the other people who gestured. Sophie and Lance and Princess Jane never had a bad word to say about him, and the only time Long Pole Joel got pissed was when he realised that people were actually forming alliances around him. She’s not even talking, but: Shut up, Hatie.

Link reminds them that they’ve beaten all of Kadina, as though they couldn’t tell from the blue buffs they’re all still wearing. Even if it is Kadina in this case, I am surprised and sad they’ve never invented a ritual in which they burn the loser tribe’s flag once everyone from the tribe gets voted off. Link helpfully points out that they will have to sacrifice one of their own next time (Knob should be well prepared). He sends them back to camp. As they leave, there’s a wonderful shot of NoMind trying not to cry.

Next week: Craig’s gameplay finally has an impact, with Hatie saying it could have ruined her whole Complicated Plan. Yay! Sadly, it only seems to affect Hatie’s game, which means it probably won’t have much of an impact other than her bitching in even more confessionals, but a win is a win. In other news, everybody hates Joel, and Princess Jane reclines in a field. Surprisingly, one of the most interesting things from next week is not previewed, which is a little sad. Even if Link chooses not to mention it, the tribe is in for a whale of a time at the reward challenge.

Craig. Looks a little uncomfortable during his final confessional. Enjoyed it. Would do it again. Is happy with himself. Pissed about being on the loser tribe. Cottage reward was fun. Making me cry. I might not normally have much of a soul, but I’m only human, people.

By the way, Craig got all the Tipara votes. Including that one from Sciona, who is on camera several times saying she would never vote for him. Bitch is dead to me.

1x08: Pick Off

2009-10-12T00:48:00.001-07:00

NoMind turns out to be such a good liar that she wins a computer and a night with Craig out of it. But then Craig turns out to be better at holding a pole in the air, and she’s predictably voted out.

Previously on The Legend Of Haggard Lance: The tribes merged. A communal shower "broke the ice", but only in the sense that it proved Hatie wasn't the Ice Queen the show has been making her out to be. On the other hand, it did prove that Knob is a self-righteous, egotistical prick. With a serious case of penis envy. This season's Hidden Immunity Idol was to be found in Long Pole Joel's pants, but unfortunately the stupid censors wouldn't show us. Link believes that Craig is Kadina's only chance to stay in the game, even though there are still two former Kadinas in the tribe, and even though he repeatedly told us last week that Kadina and Tipara "are no more". Link wonders if Tipara's alliance is cracking apart at the seams, but considering we saw no sign of that either last week or in the previouslies, I think it's safe to say it isn't. Of course, he might be counting Lance in the alliance, in which case he's dumber than any of the Kadina members. However he considers Lance, it doesn't mean anything for Caren, who got the boot. Now, nine people are left. Who will be voted out... TONIGHT?

Credits! In the credits of my mind, several of these people aren't there.

Commercials! In the Nein Newsroom tonight, the sports guy and the weather girl are fucking on the news desk. It turns out it's hard to talk about the fiscal shortcomings when other shortcomings are more interesting to watch and are right in front of your face.

It also turns out there are trees and plants in the Great Australian Bight. It's Day 22 at Aurora and Knob stands in front of the fire looking like he's about to begin another self-defeatist rant. Right on cue, he confessionals that he got a vote last night, but he doesn't know who it was from. He hopes it came from one of the Kadinas. Of course it did, you idiot. He says he thinks he hasn't "pissed them off yet", given that "it's only been a couple of days". Seriously? He's the most annoying person out here, is in serious contention for the Most Annoying Person To Ever Appear On Survivor, and still thinks he's tolerable to be around? ...I can't believe ANYBODY could be that ignorant of what's going on. Especially considering you don't exactly have a lot of stuff out there you could use to distract yourself.

Craig confessionals that he tries to change his handwriting every time he votes, so that people don't realise it's him voting. But, stupidly (and hilariously), he says he winds up doing the same thing every time -- name, underline, and exclamation mark. He doesn't even know why he does it. He says he'll have to practice so it's harder to tell who he voted for.

Sciona is trying to comfort Whiny Knob by saying they always knew the Tiparas were going to get three votes from the Kadinas. But Whiny Knob is busy whining about how whoever voted for him put an exclamation mark after his name. As I said last week, he's glad it was only one. Knob asks Lance if he got an exclamation mark. Lance says he didn't, but that he got two votes. Which, you'll note, is even more reason to complain than a stupid piddly exclamation mark. Not that the exclamation mark wasn't more than richly deserved.

Craig confessionals again about how Knob got a vote and bitched about it, because Knob was apparently under the misguided impression that he was invincible. Craig tells him in the confessional to quit being such a baby about it, and that nobody hates him, but he does it with this hilarious smirk on his face that makes it seem like he's thinking the exact opposite.

Knob confessionals that Craig is a huge threat, because he is strong and young and charming and able to talk to people without making them want to detach their own retinas. Except for that last part. Knob says that Craig's getting booted as soon as he loses Immunity. Which makes sense from a gameplay perspective, but pisses me off none the less.

In a different confessional than his others so far this episode, Craig says that his plan is to win Immunity and give them something to think about. I would think that getting people to realise that Hatie is playing them all like a bunch of out-of-tune fiddles would be a nice place to begin.

Sciona confessionals that another thing which "drives [her] nuts" is people taking forever to get dressed. Apparently, she has no interest in seeing naked Long Pole Joel's long pole. In a completely unrelated conversation, she bitches to Knob and Lance that Princess Jane doesn't carry her weight "when it comes to fishing". Strangely, she makes a point of not mentioning all the other stuff around camp, where Princess Jane presumably does her fair share. She says that Jane can catch fish, but isn't "a fisherman". Well, no. See, Sciona, there are these things called boobies, and they’re sort of a giveaway that she’s not going to be a man no matter how hard she tries. Also, nobody here is an actual fisher, not even you. Shut up, Sciona. Hatie confessionals that Princess Jane is only there to sit and look pretty. In that case, she's doing a much better job than you are, Hatie. Hatie says she's not very useful in a rugged environment.

Princess Jane herself confessionals. Interestingly, the graphics, which were all different colours last week, are now orange. At least they're not gr*y. In her confessional, she says that her game plan was to fly under the radar and watch what other people were doing. She really has seemed more omnipresent around camp than the same types of people in the American version (Becky and Sundra, anyone?), so I'm not sure her strategy is working particularly well. And it doesn't make that much sense, either. When this was filmed, after Survivor Africa, the people who kept making it to the end were the people who made themselves huge personalities. Richard Hatch. Rudy. Sue. Colby. Keith. Bitsy Hasselbeck. Ethan. Lex. Tom. Sure, now the strategy make sense given some of the past contestants who've gotten to the Final Four, but back then? No.

A goanna watches the tribe walking. Sciona voices over that she can't help but love Craig. She knows he's a huge threat to the tribe, but she says she already told him she's not going to vote for him. Honestly, I don't believe that for a second. The first chance she gets, she'll vote for him. Especially since she's got that thing going on with Hatie.

Speaking of Hatie, she's trying to convince Knob to stick with her Complicated Alliance Of Eternal Overplanning. She voices over that the two of them, as well as Sophie and Sciona, are the members of said Complicated Alliance Of Eternal Overplanning. Which unlike all the other exposition we get on this show is actually necessary, given we don't see Sophie or Sciona doing much of anything, gameplay-wise, and given that everybody seems to have different ideas of who's in the alliance. So it's nice to finally get it straight from the horse's mouth. Or... ferret's mouth. Whatev. She continues ranting, saying that because she and Knob are the closest (and she is having his Imaginary Baby, don't forget), that they've planned to vote Sophie off first, because she is a challenge threat and has a sixpack which makes Knob jealous (another of Rob's recurring themes seems to be Body Part Envy), as the camera guys get a nice close up of her chest. Then she mentions, and I quote, "[Knob] and I have made a pact to vote the other off, whoever's remaining, so it's [Knob] and I at the end." But if they vote the other off, then it won't be those two at the end, will it, because one of them's getting snuffed? I think Hatie's losing it. Well, starting to lose it, anyway. It's amazing what being called out repeatedly by three Kadina will do to your understanding of the game.

Knob says that he and Hatie both want Sciona to finish third (presumably behind the pair of them), and Sophie to finish fourth. Once Sophie gets booted and the alliance starts to cannibalise itself, he will then suck up to Sciona, not because she is meatier than Hatie (though that is undoubtedly at least part of his reasoning), but because he thinks he has a better chance of winning. Uh... how? Anybody competing against Hatie at the Final Tribal Council will be virtually guaranteed of two votes from NoMind and Craig, assuming neither of them makes it (which, given Rob's talking about making it there himself, is almost certain at this point). Why would you pass that chance up?

Lance is talking to Long Pole Joel about how they're both surprised that there aren't any alliances being formed. Long Pole Joel confessionals about that exact same thing. So does Lance, who also mentions that he's going to try and stay out her for as long as possible.

Jane and Craig are fishing and see some seals.

Knob confessionals that Lance is a nice person, but that he better hurry up and fall on his sword so Knob has a clear path to his money. Self-entitled, much?

Helicopter sweeping shot of trees, cutting to a sweeping shot of the Bucket Mail. Lance and Craig retrieve the piece of bark with the clue on it. Why did the messages start getting so lame? We had spears and rocks in the first two episodes, and we've had a never-ending stream of bark and scrolls ever since. Anyway, Lance reads it:

Think of your life, the good and the bad

And make up stories about the times that you've had

True or false, it doesn't matter

In one statement, tell your patter

The tribe what's wrong and right

Trick the most and win a luxury night

Lance reminds us of the final three words in case we tuned out for a second, this time with a deliciously evil smirk for some reason. The message appears to be pretty straightforward, even giving away pretty much the entire concept of the challenge. But Knob probably still guessed it involved a gigantic game of Mouse Trap. (I move that Knob can either be the shoe, which kicks the bucket, or the bucket itself. And Craig can be trapped in the cage at the end. And Long Pole Joel can be the little plastic diver doing somersaults in a Speedo. I have wayyy too much time on my hands.)

The quick shots of the challenges are unusually slow this week, and show a whole bunch of wood. There's a tree with giant "T" and "F" woodcarvings, a board with everyone's name on it, and another board with a question mark on it.

Commercials. Dear Channel Teen: Please repeat different episodes of Letterman. I think I've seen the one where John McCain finally bothers to shows up seven or eight times now.

The tribe walks up and is welcomed by Link. He says that today's challenge "gets to the essence of what Australian Survivor is all about". And that certainly appears to be true, considering it's about to pass the giant cans as the Worst Planned Challenge Ever. It's very simple. One at a time, each person tells the tribe something about themselves. Then, everyone else has to guess whether it's true or false. If they think it's true, they stand on one side of the tree with those woodcarvings attached, and if they think it's false, they stand on the other. Every person you trick is worth one point. Most points wins. The reward? They get to spend the night at a nearby "settlers' cottage" which was built in the 1840's, complete with food, wine, chocolate (not sure how that qualifies as different from food), and a bed. Oh, and they get to use a computer for the night, because nothing says "Visit To A Historic Cottage" quite like the Internet.

Okay, here's why it sucks. Firstly, the challenge is biased. Given that they only merged three days ago, Tipara people are more likely to know whether the stuff the other Tipara people say is true, and the same with NoMind and Craig. And because there are nine people left, this was always going to be to the advantage of one tribe or the other. Secondly, each person only tells one story. So it's conceivable that there will be a tie. Thirdly, excluding the person telling the story, there are eight people playing this game. So it doesn't matter whether your story is true or false if four people guess each, because then you get four points either way. Fourthly, everybody can see what the others are guessing, so if you know who's closest to the person telling the story, you could just guess the same as them and minimise the number of points they get. Fifthly, we're back to the Bad Reward Selection thing that I hate. This week, food, booze, and a bed. Next week, kidney beans or something. Watch. There's no way in hell they will top this reward next week. I wouldn't have minded the reward itself later on in the game, but here it's ridiculous.

But anyway, who's first?

Knob is, and his story is about pissing over Albury. He would. And it turns out he did, except that he tries to justify it by saying he had a copilot, which makes it false. It's impossible to tell who picked what for that one given the way this is edited (and given that half of them are wearing the exact same style of beanie), but Long Pole Joel clearly went straight for True. Heh. But like I mentioned before, it doesn't matter whether it's true or not, because he gets four points either way. (Dear Albury: We love you, and are sorry you had to put up with Knob's urine. But not as much as we love Wodonga and are happy they apparently didn't.)

NoMind's name, next reading down the scoreboard, is skipped for some reason, and Long Pole Joel is the next player shown. He wants us to believe he was part of a training squad for an NRL team. Yeah, I can't see it, given that the league players I know (and a relative of mine has played for Penrith within the past decade, so despite living in Melbourne, I'm not a complete idiot about this, unlike Sylvain and Lucindork were with NoMind's football back in the first episode) are usually much bulkier. And it is a lie, but only three people can spot bullshit when they see it, so Joel gets five points. Ironically, I think the three people who guess that it's a lie -- and don't quote me on this -- are Sciona (from Western Australia), and NoMind and Craig (both from Victoria). Funny. And, of course, the two professional athletes -- including a former AFL footballer -- fuck it up.

Sciona says she's flown in an Apollo space shuttle simulator, at a NASA base outside of San Francisco. You will not be surprised to learn that Sciona makes pretending to be an astronaut sound completely boring. On another note, she does not mention which Apollo mission it's a simulation of, so presumably it was Apollo 11 until Knob and Hatie visited on an Imaginary date, in which case the simulator tried to reconfigure itself into Apollo 13. She fools five people, though again it's damn near impossible to tell who. Couldn't they have at least given us a shot of the people actually standing where they're supposed to, rather than walking over? It looks like Lance, Craig, and Hatie are the ones who get it right, though.

Craig met Princess Diana overseas. I'm going to say that's a lie, because I don't think any one place could stand that much pure awesomeness without some nasty side effects. Indeed it is (Raceguy gives the royal wave), and he gets four points. So there goes Rob's theory that Craig was going to win everything. It doesn't matter either way who guessed what, but yes, I did check one specific person, and Princess Jane appears to have thought it was true.

Princess Jane is next, and she once had a piece of walnut stuck so far up her nose her servants couldn't even pick it out, so she had to go the doctors. It's certainly very inventive if it is a lie. Which it is. Four points.

Lance gives the Proud Dad story of his daughter's birth. There's no way in hell that's a lie, unless he's fucking up her birthday on purpose, in which case she will never ever EVER forgive him. It's another even split, and the story is our first true one. In other news, Knob appears to veer over from the very left (the True side) to the very right (the False side) as soon as he sees what other people are guessing.

Hatie has never gotten shitfaced before. HahahahahahahaNO. Even split, and another false. Yawn.

We return all the way to the top of the board, to NoMind, who is a former ballerina (and she does look a little like Christina from the first season of Big Brother, now that I think about it), and fucked up a move so badly in rehearsal once that her eye needed nine stitches. Only Lance is smart enough to guess that nobody would lie about being THAT much of a klutz, and so NoMind gets seven points.

So Sophie, right at the very bottom of the board again, has to get all eight points in order to win. Her story is about getting caught in the nude by a car salesman at her house. Princess Jane, NoMind, and Sciona guess True, meaning that there is no way in hell she can win. But she still has to admit that she left her door open for some reason, and she gets five points.

So, to recap: NoMind got seven points; Long Pole Joel, Sciona, and Sophie got five; and everybody else got four. Link tells NoMind the good news, and NoMind smiles as though she wasn't immediately aware as soon as the tribe split their answers. Link reminds her that Beds Come With Sheets And Pillows, and NoMind provides Link his Segue Of The Week by saying that she wishes everyone could be there. Woo! Orgy at NoMind's! Link looks sheepish in saying that one person can. NoMind picks Craig for the obvious reason of not wanting to leave him outside, rather than anyone else for the more obvious reason of being able to work them over for information and alliances. Link tells them they've got a date (seriously, his exact words are "you got a date"), and that they'll be picked up later. Noticeably, we do not get a Craig reaction shot of Link calling it a date. Everybody goes back to camp.

Clouds fly by fast, from many angles.

At camp, water boils in the rain, and Joel eats fish.

Hilariously, Craig and NoMind have to actually knock on the door of Mickera Station, the reward cottage, and Link opens it as though he actually lives there. Hee. Link welcomes them like the doormat he is, and he says that the cottage hasn't changed much since it was built. I assume he means "aside from the giant satellite dish on the roof we're using to give you your reward", unless those settlers were time travellers. And if they were, wouldn't they have chosen something a little less obvious? I mean, I would have to assume someone would ask why there was a slanty bowl on the roof after 160 years, wouldn't you? Anyway. He reminds them of the bed and sheets, and we get a candlelit product placement shampoo shot for no reason. Ugh. He actually walks them over to the flat-screen computer (nice move, time-travelling settlers!), even though it's a grand total of five feet away. But while NoMind is marvelling over how good the night is going to be, we get some product placement chocolate shots. Oh, and NoMind gets to keep the computer, courtesy of the show's sponsors. Link tries to pretend they're "our friends", but we all know that isn't the case.

Link comments that they picked a good night for the reward, what with it being so damn cold and rainy outside. Link, PUT A JUMPER ON OR QUIT COMPLAINING.

Right on cue, Knob is bitching about the weather, and about how Long Pole Joel shoved some rice in his pockets, "for a rainy day". Which it is, so eat it, Long Pole Joel. He says that if he doesn't save it, then they won't have any for tomorrow morning. Weren't they given a big bucket of the stuff just a few days ago? Have they gone through it all already? You know, sometimes these people deserve to starve. Interestingly, you'll note that we never really saw any Kadina bitching about the lack of food (aside from Sylvain, who bitched about anything and everything), it was always Tipara who couldn't fish or ration properly. And now the same thing's happening, as soon as the Tipara are left alone. Huh.

Back at the cottage, a product-placement car sits outside. Craig takes some steak and says he remembers why he missed food now. Hee. NoMind points out that the others are probably cold and wet, and Craig guesses they're trying to fix the holes in the boat.

It turns out they actually aren't, but they are in bed looking miserable. Although that is Knob's default setting, so I shouldn't be surprised.

Speaking of bed, NoMind and Craig find theirs. They get comfortable but seemingly do not realise that (1) pillows aren't there for decoration, and (2) neither is the part of the bed designed to rest your legs. But they do notice the product-placement chocolates again. Go figure. Interestingly, you can assume they didn't use the product-placement computer at all, because otherwise we would get some product-placement shots of them doing it. So I'm thinking Intel got a bad deal, given they hardly got shown, and had to share their time with everything else under the sun.

Commercials. Dear Mr. T.: Despite what some fools might say, you are not George Foreman. So go pity people somewhere away from fat-reducing grill infomercials.

The next morning, Rob whines about the weather. Of course he does. He hasn't been shown incorrectly predicting a challenge for two whole weeks now. He says that the bad times are the times you'll look back on and enjoy, which I'm thinking is Knob for "the times without Kadina around to spoil my fun". Hatie is whining to Sophie and Princess Jane about the same thing. Princess Jane, whose blue Tipara buff has apparently been magically enlarged by the rain, and is now a gigantic silk scarf, says she couldn't stretch out because her legs would get wet. Hatie and Sophie take turns guessing what under the boat smells like, and what word accurately describes it the best. Since we don't see buzzers and flashing lights or anything like that, I'm going to assume it doesn't smell like anything they say.

Craig and NoMind have been teleported back to camp, and they are welcomed. Everyone asks how they were, and NoMind kisses Long Pole Joel on the cheek, and Princess Jane too. She certainly has great taste, that woman, given the alternatives of two completely irredeemable arseholes, one person who is so droning she really should become a hypnotist, and two people who are still yet to develop much of an actual personality, eight episodes into the series. As he is wont to do, Knob turns the conversation into another round of Look How Much MY Experience Sucks The Bag by asking whether they heard the thunderstorms that kept HIM awake all night.

The waves are big.

Joel confessionals that he was surprised to hear what Hatie did to the Kadinas, by forcing them to vote for Lance. Not that Craig actually did vote for Lance or anything, but if it makes people realise Hatie is an incompetent scheming bitch, them I'm all for it. Knob tells Long Pole Joel that all Craig's doing is making trouble. Long Pole Joel thinks it's possible, but that Craig doesn't seem like that kind of bloke. Which he almost isn't. Knob tries to use the fact that they've only known for three days as proof that Long Pole Joel doesn't know Craig at all. Which is complete bullshit, because EVERY SINGLE PERSON from Tipara has confessionaled about the same thing now. Including Knob. So he can fuck off. Knob confessionals about What Craig Told Joel. I can't see any logical reason for Knob to be the one making this confessional, but whatever. Long Pole Joel once again tells Knob that he believes Craig more than he believes the crap coming from Knob's mouth, and Knob, if he's smart (HA! HAHAHA!), should take as a warning that Joel doesn't believe him OR Hatie.

Knob condescendingly calls Craig "very clever" in another, separate confessional, and says he's so charming to the other people outside the Complicated Alliance Of Eternal Overplanning that he's fucking up the Overplanned Plan. Shut up, Knob.

Craig is explaining to Lance how and why he got those two votes last week, and is very clearly placing the blame on Hatie rather than the people who actually followed her stupid plan. Lance goes all Scully to Craig's Mulder and refuses to believe that Hatie and Knob have already formed an alliance. Dude, they've had more than three weeks now. What do you think they're waiting for, the official invitations to come back from the printers? Craig hilariously tells Lance he'll realise Craig is telling the truth when he watches this on TV. Bwah! Lance confessionals that he thinks Craig is just trying to stir up trouble, and that he doesn't think Hatie and Rob have an alliance.

Lance goes to Rob and tries to confirm. Why in the world would Knob tell you that you're not in the alliance and are screwed, when there are enough people outside the alliance who could unite and change this game for the worse, from his point-of-view? (Especially deliberately. At this same point in Survivor Marquesas, the infamous Coconut Chop challenge appeared for the first time, and the situation I just described actually ended up happening accidentally, because the Rotu alliance were idiots who spelled out their boot order.)

To recap Craig's attempts to screw up Tipara, he's already got four people who are in the alliance and know what's going on, and both Lance and Long Pole Joel went straight to Knob to confirm whether he's lying. God help us, it looks like the hopes of the Kadina tribe rest on... Princess Jane. [Insert screechy horror-movie sting here.]

Knob provides us this week's Reality Cliché, telling us he's not here to make friends. That's good, because I'm not sure anybody aside from Hatie really truly likes you as a person anyway.

In front of everyone except Kadina, Knob and Hatie discuss what they have to do to stop Craig from spoiling their little secret. Long Pole Joel tells Hatie he believed it. Hatie tells them she didn't at first, but then admits to talking to them about the game in some way. God, they're not even trying to bring her unstuck and she's doing it on her own. It's like watching Paula Abdul.

Hatie confessionals that the only way out of a lie is to lie even more, or to tell the truth and be screwed. Given that everyone's trying so hard to make her fall apart, I'd say she's screwed either way at this point. But that's just me.

Long Pole Joel says he can't respect Craig for lying, even though he actually hasn't, and even though the people who are continually lying are right in front of him. Hatie says she can see Craig "sitting up there, just delighted in himself", before laughing like it's the funniest thing she could ever have said. Which: NO, thanks to a wonderfully snarky shot from the editors of Craig standing around and looking nervous.

Commercials. Luckily, Jeff has stopped selling water.

Speaking of, another sweeping helicopter shot of the water welcomes us back. At the Bucket Mail, now placed much higher on its tree than it was before, the bucket contains a pole with a ribbon. Craig and Sciona are on Bucket Mail duty today, apparently having the job delegated to them by that committee Sciona loves so much. She calls the pole interesting (though does not compare it to Long Pole Joel's long pole, either because her mind is not as dirty as mine or because she could not see over the shower divider). Craig reads it:

Fire of life can quickly turn

Relax for a minute and your hopes will burn

Stand tall and straight, don't let your arm fall

Strength and patience will win Immunity's call

Nice to see Immunity finally got a mobile phone. I call Immunity and tell it not to open the door for anybody except Craig. And maybe NoMind.

That night, a whole bunch of fires are burning brightly. I see the producers have fixed the problems from the very first challenge.

Link welcomes the tribe, wearing a wannabe Drizabone over a shirt that actually looks respectable for once. Figures. He says that it's "a nice night to gather around the campfire", as though this challenge was his very own idea. He says that the night is looking a little dangerous like people who always hang out at train stations and outside shopping centres. So they're having an Immunity Challenge, because as we all know, druggies hate fire. (Somewhere, Sylvain is probably stoned and crying.) But before he explains what the fires are here for, he has to grab the Immunity Broken Glockenspiel from Craig. He asks Craig how it was winning the Immunity Clip-On Tie. Craig says it was good.

Link makes a decent segue into the challenge description (which is one of the things he's much better than Probst at doing). He ties the challenge into the hokey Fire Is Life symbolism of Tribal Council, but still does not explain it.

The fires are STILL burning, which means they've officially lasted longer than the ones from the first episode.

As Link hands out poles just like the Bucket Mail message mode, he says that each person has to hold their pole in one arm and hold it above the fire, standing a couple of feet back so that they're basically giving a half-arsed version of the Hitler salute. I'm thinking Joel's mirror image has this in the bag. ["Grabbing onto a big long pole with one hand? Joel's winning this even without the mirror." -- WhoreBoy] If you lower your rod into the fire, take it away from the fire, grab it with your other hand, or let go if it completely, you are out. The last person left wins. This is actually a pretty decent challenge idea, aside from the Nazi thing.

Survivors ready? GO! A couple of seconds after they start, Link makes them switch hands. That is sadistically brilliant. And now most people are using their left arms, which makes it slightly less uncomfortable to watch. Link appears to be giving the players advice, telling NoMind to try harder. Hatie drops hers after three minutes, beaten by even Princess Jane. Ouch. Princess Jane herself is out ninety seconds later.

People stand around and wait. Link congratulates them for competing for the World's Shortest Ten Minutes. Soon after, NoMind has trouble and drops hers, lasting a total of thirteen-and-a-half minutes.

Lance looks paranoid. Long Pole Joel just looks at other people.

Three minutes after NoMind, Sciona is out. Sixty seconds later (what are the odds that all these people are finishing exactly on multiples of 30 seconds?), Sophie takes her stick away. Left in the game? The four men. Huh. But Lance drops his at 19 minutes. Link reminds us that there are only three people left.

Everybody looks tired, and Long Pole Joel looks like a constipated raver. Thirty minutes.

Long Pole Joel falls asleep for a second, literally, and drops his at 36 minutes and 30 seconds. WhoreBoy is shocked.

Just like last week, Knob and Craig have outlasted everyone. Link asks who wants it the most, and reminds them that they just have to give up to get away from the challenge. But this is warm and their camp isn't, so I don't think they'll be doing that any time soon.

What on earth have they done to keep these fires burning for so long? Knob looks homicidal, and Craig looks like he's having fun.

At 45 minutes, creepy Irish-influences music starts. Music guy, if you love Ireland so much, why don't you just go and marry it?

Craig fights the pain while Knob looks trouble free. Fight it, Craig, or don't bother coming to the reunion show!

At one hour, Craig starts making monkey faces. Apparently he thinks Knob will quit if you make him laugh.

Both people look like they're trying not to collapse. Knob eventually does, after one hour, three minutes, and fifteen seconds. So Craig wins Immunity.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

WhoreBoy (who unlike me doesn't know who wins and who gets voted out when) on Craig: "Holy crap, he's going to do it. He's going to win every single one of these."

The Violin Music Of Triumph plays as Link forks over the Immunity Pole Dancing Costume. Link says he earned it. Yes, he did. Just to see how much it hurt, I tried holding one arm up while writing the challenge portion of the recap, and it is exhausting. And I didn't have a pole at the end to hold on to. My arm muscles (yeah, I don't do Phys Ed. You're lucky I knew they were muscles) are so tense and so much bigger than usual right now, I was seriously considering using that as experience to start a career in personal training. Hey, it's more training than those idiots over on The Biggest Loser have.

Commercials. I move that Affirmation by Savage Garden replace Shaddup Ya Face as Australia's unofficial national anthem. Anybody opposed to dumping Joe Dolce? Didn't think so.

The next day, waves and tree branches and junk bring us back to the Crappily-Steered Ship Aurora, where people sleep, and Lance does his yoga. Knob carves off Day 23 from the calendar, apparently thinking the best way to fix the holes in the boat is to carve a whole bunch of lines into it. Idiot.

Mo' waves. Waves are the new kangaroos. As Long Pole Joel and Lance walk to the beach, Craig confessionals that he's here to win, and he'll be more determined to win the next Immunity Challenge given that NoMind is virtually guaranteed of going home tonight and then Tipara will have no choice to vote each other off. I can't wait.

Hatie confessionals how much she wants Craig out of her game, because she's trying to win and she apparently can't do that when other people are competing against her at the same time. SHUT UP, HATIE. You are a fucking professional athlete. You should be used to having competition. Deal with it, fuckhead.

Long Pole Joel and Lance talk about how they also don't like Craig trying to play the game. I wonder if they'd feel the same if it was Princess Jane or Sciona who was doing it, rather than someone who is a huge physical and social threat. Long Pole Joel confessionals how everybody's discussed how they're voting, and that Forming Alliances Is Bad. Idiot. And doesn't discussing your voting make it a tribe-wide alliance?

Craig rubs NoMind's back. He confessionals that he loves NoMind (the implied "as a friend" is left out), and that he trusts her. He's proud of NoMind for fighting to the end. NoMind herself tells him that she's hoping that telling people she doesn't want to go might work. Yeah, not happening.

Princess Jane confessionals that, like, she's really, like, battling with her, like, conscience, like, really, like, badly, because, like, she, like, likes NoMind, like, much more than, like, Long Pole Joel, and, like, Sophie would, like, keep, like, NoMind, like, around. Like.

NoMind tells Long Pole Joel she wants to be there still. Long Pole Joel confessionals that he looks at who contributed least to the tribe's success, and he's thinking it's Princess Jane. There's something about that confessional that seems like they put it in at the wrong place.

NoMind tells Sciona the same deal. NoMind confessionals that the only we she can stay is to convince the Tipara people that she's more worthy of staying around than Princess Jane. Sciona says that there are people from Tipara who have basically gotten a free ride to where they are. I agree. Given that Lance and Princess Jane have both been annoying the others throughout the game for whatever reason, at least one of them should have been snuffed by now. I'd prefer if they went over NoMind or Craig, but at the same time those two are the most likeable of the Tipara, compared to dickweed Knob, ferret skank Hatie, boring Sciona, non-existent Sophie, and Long Pole Joel, who is annoyingly moralising at times. Sciona confessionals that she has so many nefarious plans and schemes going on that she's playing "twenty-five hours a day". Surely the editors would have shown more than the current ONE scene of her doing anything strategic, if that was what was really happening.

Knob talks to Sciona about getting rid of Princess Jane, because she won't help to beat Craig at anything except a Biggest Breasts Challenge. Classy! And necessary! Is there a category beyond "dead to me" that I can sign Knob up for? (And, besides, that would probably be a Reward Challenge anyway.) Sciona, finally actually doing something, boringly says that Princess Jane would be a good idea, solely to stop Lance and Princess Jane from working together to overthrow the Complicated Alliance Of Eternal Overplanning. So, they've both come up with booting Princess Jane as the right solution right now, in different ways. Interesting. Of course, Sciona seems to be ignoring one key factor, which is NoMind. How will booting one person outside of the Complicated Alliance Of Eternal Overplanning to fix the numbers advantage be different to booting another person for the same reason, especially considering that NoMind is playing a much better strategic game, and has the advantage I mentioned a couple of weeks ago of being able to give better incentives for switching? I think her plan may have been designed in conjunction with Hatie.

Anyway, Sciona and Knob are trying to figure out whether they can get the numbers to ditch Jane. In a confessional in which his eyes are looking especially glazed-over, Knob tells us that he's trying to get rid of Princess Jane because Lance might have skills that would help to beat Craig in a challenge. Which, again, assumes Princess Jane is completely useless at every single thing the producers could possibly turn into a challenge because she is a girl. Which is completely ridiculous, given that at that point in time, women had won seven Immunity challenges between them, one woman (Kelly Wiglesworth) had a similar frame and ability level as Princess Jane and managed to win four in a row, and seven out of eight individual Immunity Challenges in Marquesas -- filmed just before Australian Survivor, though it hadn't aired yet -- were won by women. So shut up, Knob. He also implies that Lance doesn't have the soulless heart needed to play Survivor.

Lance shows how afraid of causing harm he is by asking for Rob's help, because he has to jump into the water. Knob walks over, and Lance tells him that he needs to find a snagged hook, as well's as Long Pole Joel's. There appears to have been no logical point for that entire scene.

Sophie confessionals that her conscience is a bitch. Hatie confessionals and orders us to believe that Sophie's happy to be a part of the alliance, even though we just saw that that's not the case. She continues her bitch session, saying that Sophie is picky about who she's going to vote for, and how that "disturbs" her "a lot", and blah blah choose-a-new-alliance-partner-cakes. You know what else disturbs me, Hatie? I mean, aside from the apparent lack of self-aware irony in what you just said? That hat.

Sophie talks to Princess Jane, Lance, and Long Pole Joel, about how she knows that she'll vote for some people and not others. Hatie refuses to end her ranting, this time saying she'll "ask" ...no, "discuss" with Knob whether they can vote Sophie out. Back at the cove, Sophie tells the others that she's not going to lie if people ask her whether they are going back to the hotel. Princess Jane checks to confirm if what she heard was correct, and it is.

Commercials. As WhoreBoy pointed out, it's kind of disturbing how I can feel so comfortable lusting after a reality contestant who is now twice as old as I am. Shut up, WhoreBoy.

A horn sounds over the coast, and Aurora marches into Tribal Council. Link does what he always does, and then reminds them of how the game has changed again, even though it really hasn't in terms of the traditional format, which the players had seen three times before they came out here and are thus used to it. You may have noticed that Link has a habit of making a big deal about things that nobody else cares so much about. In this case, it's the jury, which starts with whoever gets booted tonight. In case you've never watched the show before, they hang around at every Tribal Council between now and the last night, sort of like the Ghosts Of Snuffages Past.

Craig, how important to you was that reward that you didn't win? He says it was what made him outlast Knob for that Immunity Challenge. More nights away from camp for Craig, please! Hatie, you're supposedly a professional athlete. Does eating almost nothing affect how you showboat? She says yes, although we haven't actually had any track-and-field based challenges since the first episode for her to prove it with. Sciona, were you pissed you didn't get the reward? Yes, even though she knew she would have to sleep in the dirt when she applied. NoMind, you bothered to bring your football with you, do you think you might possibly be going home given you're the only vulnerable Kadina against seven former Tipara? NoMind happily says she knows what's going to happen and that she's happy Craig won the Immunity Alphorn Repair Kit. Lance, how do you know who isn't lying to your face, what with all that money on the line? Lance says he trusts everyone. Fool. He also says that he doesn't know of any alliances, and the editors snarkily cut to first Knob and then to Hatie. HA!

Once again without talking to half the tribe, it's time to vote. Sciona votes for a NoMind because it was inevitable. By that logic, she could vote for absolutely anyone and not tell us what she really thinks. Princess Jane daintily walks up the gangplank and votes. Hatie votes. Craig votes for Rob, for the hilarious reasoning that he didn't like getting one last week. Sophie votes. NoMind votes for Lance because he is a threat to Craig winning, given she already knows she's getting booted tonight. Knob votes. Long Pole Joel votes. Lance votes.

Link goes to count the least suspenseful set of votes in history. Lance and Long Pole Joel try to hold their hands over the fire for warmth. Knob looks paranoid; NoMind looks resigned to her fate. Yawn. Let's get this over and done with, shall we? NoMind. NoMind. NoMind. Knob. NoMind. An even-less-readable-than-usual vote for Lance. NoMind. Link correctly surmises that he doesn't have to read the last two, given NoMind's already got the majority.

Just like Caren last week, NoMind snubs the Tiparas, and is snuffed. She will be missed. Craig looks determined.

Link reminds them again of the jury situation, and how NoMind will be watching everything they do. He sends them back to camp. Craig grabs his torch and angrily walks out far ahead of the rest of the tribe, still lethargically standing up. Boy, if that doesn't tell you something.

Next week: Craig hugs Sciona, and Hatie calls him a "manipulative little snake" because of it. She does remember Sue Hawk's speech all about rats and snakes, right? Also, since when did she get the right to call people manipulative without it being ironic? Link says the tribe will be tested by Craig, but apparently it's only Hatie who feels anything. Which makes me think like the universe is about to collapse in on itself. Knob rolls his eyes. Craig and Long Pole Joel share a discussion. In more disturbing news: The Gross Food Challenge. Oh, that'll be fun.

NoMind's confessional. She says she didn't get what she wanted out of the game, and that she'll miss Craig. Awww.